Andy the Adventurer

Andy is on a training course thingy in Telford. He went yesterday and he is back tomorrow.

Well, he is supposed to be in Telford. He has been in Telford all day. But Telford is near North Wales. And Andy has just phoned.

'Are you okay?' I say, because he is huffing and puffing and sounding like he is being chased through some woods by a bear.

'I'm just walking down a hill,' says Adventurer Andy. 'I've just been up a hill, and now I am returning because it has suddenly got dark and there are a lot of trees around, and it's a little bit spooky.'

'Where are you?' I say. I don't need to ask really. I know where he is. I knew being within a reasonable drive of our prospective new house would be too much temptation...

'I'm in Bala!' says Andy. 'And a black cat has just stopped to say hello to me. Is that lucky?'
'Yes,' I say. I don't know if it is or not because I can never remember, but for the sake of the exercise,tonight black cats are lucky.

'What's it like?' I say, because I've had a truly rubbish day at work and if I didn't have to go in tomorrow I wouldn't. I need cheering up.

'It's beautiful,' says Andy. 'The lake is gorgeous, it is so quiet, it's really gorgeous. You'll love it.'

'And the house?' says I.

'I saw the corner of it through the trees,' says Adventurer Andy, who is still puffing a bit, but I think the threat of bear attack has receded. 'But I didn't want to go up to it and peer through the windows in case the tenant thinks I'm a weirdo.'

He describes the drive fromTelford to Bala. He describes the little villages, the moments of driving
between hills and seeing scenery that made him go, 'Wow!' He describes the track leading up to the house; that we shall definitely need a 4 wheel drive car.

'I wish I had waited until Saturday so we could have seen it for the first time together,' he says.

But he is right in his reasoning of taking the opportunity to see the area today. Because if he had gone to see it, and hadn't liked it then there would have been no point in us going back on Saturday. Our new house is a place we both have to like in equal amounts.

We are a partnership. We are in this adventure together. Me and Adventurer Andy.

Bora da!

See! Still chipping away at the Welsh. Trying to do around twenty minutes a day because it's all my tired brain can cope with after spending all day trying to teach teenagers English instead of grunting.

We got our first bunch of paperwork from the solicitor today, for the selling of our house. Our old house, not our would be house. Corr, I think I'm in the wrong business. I nearly fell over when I saw the estimate of their selling fees. Ah well, it's all part of the painful process I suppose.

I am not going to dwell on the money side of things. Because, following an encouraging email from an old friend today, it suddenly occurred to me that we, Andy et moi, are going to lead a somewhat Bohemian lifestyle for a while, and proper Bohemians don't worry about money. We shall grow with our new house, wherever it may be, and work will be sent our way when we need it, and there are more important things to worry about in life, and to learn from life, than stuff linked to money. Whether I shall still be singing the same tune when the bailiffs are knocking down the door wanting payment for the electricity bill I don't know, but for the moment it is a good thought, being a free bird.

And after a day like today, when I got told off because my learning objective for Year 9 wasn't encompassing enough (?????) , the idea of being a free bird is very, very appealing. Come and tell me  my learning objective isn't encompassing enough when I am half way up a Welsh hillside tending my herbs and chickens and I am likely to respond in a not very polite way a la 'get off my land, you wassock!' followed by a large rock to the ear.

Systems a-go-go

An appointment has been confirmed for us to visit our house in Wales on Saturday. Along with the appointment came a) a plan of the land that goes with the house and b) a set of rather worrying instructions of how to get to the house which included choice phrases such as 'rough track' , '4x4 vehicles only', 'angry farmer' and 'park at the end of the road and walk a quarter of a mile up the hill.'

And the answer phone message Andy got from the estate agent saying that e-mail was being sent  with the instructions and plans started along the lines of, 'Ah, so you are the people who want to view the semi-derelict house.'

Ooo- eer!

Anyway, the map of the land was interesting. Sort of rhomboid, edged to one and a bit sides by some hefty looking trees and then a bit of a swathe of land around one side and out the front. Or possibly back, I haven't quite got my bearings yet.

'What's that?' said I, thinking that is looked like a bit of a field.
'It's a bit of a field,' said Andy. ' I think there's about half an acre altogether.'

Corr, I thought. I could fit a fair few chickens on half an acre. And geese. Hooter and Honker could have a playmate called Alice.

Andy read the instructions for getting to the house. Firstly, I am hoping the weather holds out for us. I am not sure I could manage an umbrella and climbing gear. Secondly, I'm thinking that perhaps I should take a homemade cake to placate any grumpy farmers we may encounter and thirdly, I am also thinking perhaps we should leave a trail of breadcrumbs in case we get lost in the woods and Welsh mountain rescue have to send out a search party for the stupid English house hunters.

And fourthly, I am thinking maybe some sort of harness might be appropriate so Andy and I can take turns hauling each other up the rough terrain. I said, 'is it too late to buy a pony?' and Andy said yes it was, and it was also too late to buy a donkey/ shire horse/ goat and trap and any other form of alternative form of transport I might be considering.

So our plan is to leave Kent v.early on Saturday morning and travel up a bit and across a bit until we get almost there, stopping off for various cups of tea and buns along the way.And then we shall follow the instructions.

And hope that we won't be disappointed and that we emerge unscathed from the whole hillsidey derelictness of it all.

'Dyfal donc a dyr y garreg'

Sunday morning.

Sitting up in bed, drinking tea and learning some Welsh. Like you do.

'There are 29 letters in the Welsh language,' I say. '29! And some of them aren't even letters. Well, not as we know them, Jim.'
'Please don't call me Jim,' says Andy. 'I'm a Whoovarian, not a Trekkian.'
'What I don't understand,' I say, 'is that they have removed 5 perfectly good letters - k, q, v, x and z' - and replaced them with the likes of 'll' and 'dd' and 'rh',which isn't strictly speaking a letter, it's a dipthong. Which is NOT type of knicker,' I add hastily, because I know exactly what Andy will say if I don't head him off at the pass, so to speak.

'And what about Scrabble? ' I continue. 'K, Q, V, X and Z are valuable letters in Scrabble. Do you think Welsh Scrabble boards are different? Do they play Scrabble in Wales?'

Andy admitted he didn't know. He was busy rolling his 'r's. I can't roll my r's. Well, not whilst sitting in bed, anyway.

'Do you think it will be a handicap if I can't roll by r's?' I say.

Andy said he doubted it. In fact, he said that if, nay when, we get our house like we are planning to, and we move there, it is so isolated that no-one will be around to hear me making a right royal cock-up on the Welsh pronunciation front anyway. So I wasn't to worry, dear. (He stopped short of patting me on the head, which was a wise move given I was holding a hot cuppa and sharp biro and can be quite jumpy first thing in the morning.)

And then Andy had a little giggle because he had just found out what the phrase for 'tin of beans' is.

Ffa tun.

And if I tell you that the 'u' in Welsh is pronounced 'i' then you will realise just how childish my forty-something husband can be. Doctor Who evidence aside.

'There are two extra vowels,' I say. 'W' and 'Y'. I can just about accept 'Y' as a vowel given the sound it makes, but 'W'? Who thought that was a good idea?'

'If it's got a 'G' in front of it it's pronounced 'w',' says Andy. 'But if it hasn't, it's pronounced 'oo'.'

'Oh, well that's okay then,' I say. I think I need to get up and have some brekkie. My legs are getting pins and needles and so is my brain.

'This book says we should use this phrase as our mantra whilst we are learning Welsh,' I say. 'Dyfal donc a dyr y garreg.'
'And what does that mean?' says Andy.
'It means 'Steady tapping breaks the stone,' I say. 'The trouble is, steadily tapping a stone also makes people want to grab the hammer from you and shout 'STOP DOING THAT!'

'What if we learn all this Welsh and end up living somewhere like Norfolk?' says Andy.
'I'm going to speak it regardless of where we end up,' I say.
'Could confuse the locals,' says Andy.
'I don't care,' I say.

"Sigh..."

It is my sad duty to announce that Andy has just scored more correct answers on Mastermind about the subject of Doctor Who than the so called specialist contestant.

Yay verily indeed he did score full marks aka 100% aka did not make one mistake.

At all.

You see what I have to put up with, dear reader? Of course, it is why the attraction to Wales is so great because apparently Doctor Who lives there. And the novel Andy wrote for Virgin Publishers about Doctor Who way back in the early 90s was set in....Wales....

It's all making sense now.

Off Market

Our buyers have had their mortgage approved. Our estate agent has advised removing the house from the market. I feel slightly aggrieved that the agents are going to be paid a considerable amount of money for 12 days of 'work' and with ne'er a 'For Sale' board in sight.

But the job is done, I suppose, and at least the rest of the Malarkey gang can breathe a sigh of relief that I can now stop following them around with vacuum cleaner, duster and anti-bacterial spray clearing up every speck of dust they create 'in case we have a viewing.'

I feel oddly calm about the whole situation. Well, we have connected with 'our house' haven't we? Today we have discussed bathroom fittings.

'How about one of those roll top baths?' said Andy.
'Yes,' said I, who has been researching the advisability of Damp Permeable Membranes in old cottages. 'Because that'll be really easy to clean under, won't it?'
'We can put it slap bang in the middle of the bathroom,' said Andy.
'Sorted,' said I.

So there is not much we can do now until we've been to see our house on the 22nd. After a burst of excitement, it feels like we are being given a breathing space, a time to tread water. We've achieved a fairly painless book cull - well, Andy has, because I am pretty ruthless with books already.  Five less boxes of books to cart with us.

Oh, there is one thing we could do to keep our minds occupied. We could learn the language of the locals. Apparently, 80% of the population in the area we are aiming for speak a language that isn't English, and a little note on the bottom of our house's details suggests that newcomers to the area learn some...

...Welsh!...

...in order to fit in with the locals...

So, for now...

Da boch!

Much Malarkey Danger

We can't view 'our house' until next weekend. Not this weekend as we had hoped. This means waiting another week which is badly dangerous because is gives us another week to make crazy, daydream plans, and this could be setting us up for a hefty and disappointing fall, especially as we also now know that someone else is looking at it tomorrow. I was livid! How dare they look at our house! I came over all protective, but calmed down quite quickly because I don't want to appear a complete control freak house stalker.

Already we have decided on connecting the main house with the cowshed via a glass atrium like they do on Grand Designs. We've found the house on google earth and have decided that the configuration of buildings means this is possible, nay necessary. We are also thinking underfloor heating in the bathroom, and I am keen to get a couple of geese NOW to take with us when we move. They are to be called Hooter and Honker. Andy doesn't know this yet; it can be a surprise for him when he reads the blog.

I have also planned a Welsh slate house name sign. It is quite big, because it needs to have the words 'much' and 'malarkey' and 'manor'  carved into it. It looks very smart.

Wisteria for walls, and loads of lavender under the windows. Umming and ahhing about whether we could extend into the loft, but very keen to have underfloor heating in bathroom. Tybalt has requested a wood burner in the living room. I said yes, but only if he keeps a reasonable distance because I can't abide the smell of burning fur. There is currently an open fire in the living room, so a wood burner, regardless, would be a sensible option.

Another thing Andy doesn't know yet is that he will be rigging up as long washing line. This is a house that wouldn't be seen dead wearing a rotary line.

It's all dangerous stuff, this daydreaming.

But it is also fun stuff and is keeping me sane now that I am back at crazy school.