Mum's mission

My Mum is on a mission. She has become obsessed with tracking down and purchasing the definitive toaster. This has been going on for about a month now, since the demise of her previous toaster and the tale is turning into a bit of a saga. I get weekly updates when she and my aged Auntie Pollie pitch up for hot chocolate and shortbread every Wednesday after their early morning swim at the local leisure centre. The visit is a fairly recent habit which coincided with the leisure centre revamping its coffee shop and putting up their prices to cover the cost. Apparently, my refreshments are a darn sight cheaper than anything the leisure centre now has to offer.

I digress. Toaster number two was duly purchased from a branch of a well-known supermarket but being cheap and cheerful it refused to work so was duly returned for immediate refund. Off Mum goes to the retail park in search of toaster number 3. 'I don't want one of those fancy shiny ones,' she says. She's never been a slave to fashion, my Mum. 'A plain white one will do for me.' Of course, plain white toasters are very old hat now and three shops on the trot fail to deliver the goods, but she does find a nice vacuum cleaner in shop number 2 which she might keep an eye on in case the price drops in the sales. Shop number 4 has plain white toasters and coloured toasters but they all come as part of a package with a kettle. 'I don't want a kettle,' says Mum. 'I want a toaster not a toaster and matching kettle. Why would I buy a kettle every time I want a toaster?' Okay Mum, we get the picture. But at least she is coming around to the idea of a coloured toaster, thereby increasing her overall option base.

This morning, Mum declares that although she still doesn't want a shiny, shiny toaster she isn't averse, having done some research, to the matt shiny ones. 'Provided it takes fat crumpets.' This is the other problem. Mum's friend sometimes buys her a pack of crumpets because she knows Mum likes crumpets. But Mum's friend, not being short of a bob or two, buys fat crumpets and not your bog standard slim variety (althought they don't make crumpets like they used to, do they?) And fat crumpets didn't used to fit in toaster number 1 (now demised - are you keeping up?) unless severly beaten with a rolling pin to render them flatter. 'And another thing,' says Mum, 'is that cheap toasters aren't deep enough and you always end up with an untoasted edge of bread.' This is true, but has never really bothered me - if I want my toast done all the way round I take it out half way through the toasting process and turn it over.

Mum's solution? She intends to carry a piece of cardboard around with her that is EXACTLY the same size as the bread she buys in order to try it for size in any potential toaster slots to see if they are deep enough to provide evenly toasted bread. Note to self - make sure to stand at least ten feet away from Mum if she gets cardboard faux bread from handbag when shopping.

So she wants a matt-shiny, white, possibly coloured toaster with no matching kettle that has wide, deep slots to deal with bread, crumpets, muffins and bagels of varying shapes, sizes and thickness.

'Or maybe,' I say to Mum, as the plot thickens, 'you could just use the grill?'