Stress Management

This week, Andy has been on a stress management course. He texted me to say that a) the hotel he was staying in was very posh and b) he'd fallen asleep on the floor during one of the relaxation exercises and snored.

He also learned that a stressed person can be one of three types. They are:

1) stress carriers, who keep their stress to themselves and thus run the risk of self-imploding with stress or at the least getting a nasty headache/ tummy ache and walking around looking pained and sighing a lot and responding 'No, I'm fine, honest (sob)' when people ask them if they are okay
2) stress transmitters, who spread their stress to everyone around them, thus diluting their own angst but making everyone else feel crap in the process, a bit like nasty flu bugs or malaria loaded mosquitoes and
3) stress dumpers, who blame everyone else for their stress i.e 'It's all YOUR fault I'm so stressed. If you didn't exist I wouldn't be so STRESSED, how selfish are you, you big stress anatagonist?'

We all get stressed in different ways and to different levels. And here is the Much Malarkey Manor Guide to Stress Management.

1) In order to be truly stressed you must be at least 21 years old; under 21's don't know the meaning of the word 'stress' and use it far too frequently, in my view, to refer to something that is really just a mere irritation e.g like when their hair doesn't end up 'just so' in the morning hair straightening ritual or their bezzy mate uses the last of the mayonnaise and replaces the empty jar in the fridge in their shared digs

2) A lot of stress can be dealt with by the simple act of 'waiting to see what happens.' Accompany the act with copious tea, cake and re-runs of 'Top Gear' on Dave, and most developing stress situations will dissipate (I love that word, don't you?) in an hour or two. And seeing Jeremy Clarkson getting angry at the latest remodel of a family-sized Ford will always put your own stress issues into perspective

3) Be aware of your own stress ignition points (or SIPs, as I shall now call them) and do your best to avoid them or at least have some SIP diversion tactics in place. For example, if someone banging their cutlery against their teeth when they are eating makes you want to grab their fork and ram it down their throat, introduce some meal-time humming. Or play the radio/TV really loudly. Or if clutter gets on the one nerve you have left at the end of the day, grab a bin bag, pile the clutter into the bin bag, run into the garden, set fire to the bin bag and spend twenty minutes dancing around the flames cackling to the moon. (It'll will likely be a full moon if you find yourself actually taking this course of action.) DO NOT think twice about this method, DO NOT give the clutterbugs the option to remove the clutter. I mean, if they've been living with you for any length of time, they should know all about you and your relationship with clutter, so have only got themselves to blame if one of their favourite pairs of slouch socks, or a much beloved novel goes up in smoke.

4) Amass a collection of objects and activities that will alleviate any stress-related physical effects. My own anti-stress kit consists of a) a kitten b) my fingernails c) food that is crunchy and doesn't involve any sort of preparation before eating d) the thought of being able to run into the road and scream at the top of my voice at 3 am knowing there is nothing anyone can do to stop me e) a box set of 'The Darling Buds of May' f) any of the following DVDs - Love Actually, Down with Love, The Producers, Madagascar 2 g) playing endless games of solitaire on the laptop h) chickens watching i) making mindless lists. (At least, that is anti-stress kit Number 1. My other anti-stress kits are way too dark and vengeful to mention here.)

5) If you find you are suddenly in the throes of a bout of stress, there are many products on the market you can use to calm down the excessively beating heart, the sweaty palms, the dizziness, the sheer force of rage that is building inside you like the Incredible Hulk waiting to burst forth and go 'GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!' at everything in sight. Things like meditation CDs, visualisation CDs, motivational books, squeezy balls, lavender oil. My understanding is that you gather these CDs, books, balls and oils and throw them with all your stressy, angry might at the source of your stress (inanimate or living) and you should feel very much better. If you have none of these products to hand, then a cushion, dinner plate or house brick will do just as well.

6) Stress can be good. Stress generates adrenaline, the 'fight or flight' hormone. It is stress that will save you from missing a deadline at work and getting into trouble with your boss, or being eaten by a lion should you find yourself being chased by one on safari. Stress once saved me from being mugged by a toddler in the sweetie aisle in Sainsbugs. (And not, as some people would have it, the fact that I was three feet taller, 20 decibels louder, 9 stone heavier and the one in buying power position.)

7) Remember that stress is only a six letter word. Like 'friend' and 'joyous.' And 'panics', 'murder' and 'horror'.

8) Stress is relative. Assess your stressful situation. Does it involve your partner, child, parent or in-law? See, I told you so.

9) You can be signed off work for stress-related illness. Then you can sit at home and watch real stress at work on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

10) I was feeling stressed when I started writing this guide. But now I don't. The act of writing has de-stressed me. So find you own stress-diversion therapy and employ it when the blood pressure starts rising. It works. Honest.

(PS - Andy has just tried to find a relaxation download from the Interwebbly for him to listen to when he's stressed. Apparently, they were all by nasal Americans, or insincere men, or sounded too 'Californian' ,whatever that means. It caused him much stress.)