Friday, 30 January 2009


There have been many reports over the last day or two that SNOW IS ON THE WAY THIS WEEKEND. Apparently, there will be a RAPID FALL IN TEMPERATURE over the weekend and SNOW is VERY LIKELY on Monday.

So today, I rose with a purposeful plan of action. I went swimming (50 lengths today! Although perhaps not such a good idea in hindsight as I can now feel my eye balls growing heavy and the sleep fairy is whispering 'go to sleep, you know you want to.') Then I yomped into town (a 3 mile round trip) and purchased ITEMS NECESSARY IF YOU ARE THREATENED WITH SNOW. These included toilet rolls, bananas, apples and butter from Sainsbugs, and a HUGE piece of belly pork and a chicken from my lovely butcher. We are fully stocked already with flour for the making of bread and there's loads of milk in the freezer. And of course, just outside the backdoor is a constant supply of eggs. ('If you think we're laying in three feet of snow, you've got another think coming,' says Mrs Miggins. 'Yeah,' says Mrs Poo, who is experimenting with teen vernacular, 'I is gonna be in da eglu wiv a good book, a mug of Ovaltine and me legs crossed, innit though?')

Back home and the weather is sunny and bright. No sign of snow yet. There are a couple of tiny wee buds on the apple tree. Mrs Pumphrey is flat on her back on a sun-lounger in the greenhouse with one of those reflective sheets you tuck under your chin to get an even tan over your whole face. She's also wearing a pair of dark glasses, although they are completely the wrong shape for her face and make her look like Roy Orbison rather than Sophia Loren.
'There won't be snow,' she says, 'and if there is, you won't see me for dust.'
'Is that because snow is white and you are white and you'll blend seamlessly into the background?' I ask.
'No,' says Mrs Pumphrey, 'I have a stand-by ticket booked on the Eurostar and I'll be off to Bruges for a 'chocolate 'n' diamond' week.'

Next, I write a list entitled 'USEFUL INDOOR ACTIVITIES FOR OCCUPYING MYSELF IN THE EVENTUALITY OF SNOW ON MONDAY.' Or at least I would have done only my paper wasn't wide enough so I scribbled it out and changed it for 'THINGS TO DO' instead. The list includes :1) complete final edit of Nearly King Jimbo in case an agent/publisher requests to see the entire script 2) paper downstairs bathroom with all the rejection letters I've received thus far (and yes, there are enough of them) 3) plan second half of plot for novel I have started writing and got so far with and now I'm stuck 4) make cakes 5) eat cakes and read more books 6) watch 'Darling Buds of May' DVD with view to making this my specialist subject should I ever decide to enter 'Mastermind' (Andy is keen for me to do this - I don't know why) 7)make stuff on my sewing machine now I am no longer afraid of it 8) try and decide what to get Heather for her 21st birthday which is in just over 2 weeks' time 9)lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling as I wonder what it's all about and 10) make more cakes to replace the ones I ate earlier.

This is a good list, I think. I toy with the idea of doing one for Andy who will obviously be snow-bound with me but he'll be outside tobogganing and making snowmen and won't need occupying with indoor stuff.

So there we go. I am ready for the SNOW that will be arriving on MONDAY. In the meantime, I'm off into the garden to join Mrs Pumphrey in her sunbathing.

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