Blowing a Blizzard

In an attempt to be nice to the birdies during this bleak, blizzardy weather, I managed to grate my thumb on the grater whilst grating some bread. It still hasn't stopped bleeding, so now I'm worried I've got some kind of clotting disorder as I'm well past the bleeding time for this kind of scrape. Actually, it reminds me of that moment in one of the Doctor in the House films when Sir Lancelet Spratt says to a medical student, 'You, boy. What's the bleeding time?' to wit the student replies, 'Five past eleven, Sir Lancelot,' or some such witty malarkey.

Normally I wouldn't grate bread. I'd just do a finger crumble or a whizz in the blender, but 1) the blender jug is the fridge as I've just cooked and squished up the last if this year's tomatoes into passata, and 2) the bread I used was the leftover of a particularly full-bodied and chewy wholemeal soda bread I made at the weekend which even my fingers were having trouble crumbling. My fault - I think I added too much black treacle just to finish up the tin, and the bread came out more biscuity.

Anyway, school is closed because we are breeding a generation of wimps who can't get to school for whatever pathetic reason they deem fit to offer, and I find myself with an unexpected day at home. This is okay, because it means I can get on with odds and sods of stuff and sit in the warm listening to the county chaos unfolding on local radio. It's bitter outside - wind, snow, wind, ice, wind, brrrrrrrrrrrrr...you get the idea. Andy has gone to work because he is good like that and has a high sense of moral duty. The journey was twice as long as usual, but he texted that he'd arrived safely and was now on gritting duty. Did he mean 'gritting'? Yes, I'm sure he did...

So, I've passata-ed, I've baked. I've wrapped up Christmas presents, I've tried to entice the hens from their pod. They're staying put, so I've concocted a complicated food 'n' water station which means they can eat and drink without having to step outside their cosy little house. But if the weather continues in this blizzardy vein, I shall have to de-camp them to the greenhouse just so they can stretch their legs properly.

'We should have a small-holding with a barn,' I said to Andy. 'A barn would be ideal for chickens in this blizzardy kind of weather.'

And then we sighed at the impossible dream...

Meanwhile, the cats are squishing up together on the sofa, or squishing up against me which is impeding elbow room for typing. One of them has wind; I think it might be Pandora. Phoebe is squished up in an empty shoe box. Radio Kent is awash with people moaning about the appalling train services and the appalling council gritting services. It is also awash with people offering help to vulnerable people - for example there is an eleven year old girl talking at the moment offering to help elderly people near to where she lives by clearing paths and driveways or taking them dinners of stew that she and her mum have been cooking all morning. Awwwww.......

I am glad I am at home. I have knitting and sewing and telly watching planned for this afternoon. It's cold, it's Winter, it's Advent. I can feel 'A Muppet Christmas Carol' coming on.

It's all good.

Fuel and Energy Manifesto

Here are the measures announced today by Prime Minister Denise to assist the nation in their energy efficiency this winter:

1) Each household will be issued with eight 50g balls of double knitting wool, appropriate sized needles and patterns for socks, mittens and balaclava helmets.

2) Each household will be able to access a free six week holiday in the Caribbean in exchange for allowing their home to be used for housing the increasing polar bear population which is becoming rife in the current climate change.

3) Each household will be issued with five sheep (any more and the Government will be forced to pay a livestock subsidy and Prime Minister Denise's Pig of Happiness piggy bank doesn't have that big a reserve in it). Using the accompanying leaflet, householders will be encouraged to nuture the wool on their sheep and in the spring, shear the sheep and lag their lofts with the resulting fleeces. If householders are not confident about shearing please call Mr G. Brown of Downing Street and he will pop round and do it for you, no probs. He'll tell you how to make a nice warming soup from the scraps in your fridge, too.

4) Householders will receive assistance with their winter fuel bills i.e someone will come round and bang loudly on your door at 5.30 p.m between November and February and tell you it's time to switch off your heating and go to bed wearing three pairs of trousers, six jumpers and a pair of ski boots. And don't forget, 25% of all body heat is lost through the head, so if you've got a cat, (or a chicken) use it.

5) Householders will be encouraged to think of the future. With fuel bills increasingly on the rise, solicitors will be on hand to add codicils to Wills should householders wish to leave their fuel bill debts to their children. Or, if you wish to bequest a hefty sum to your gas and electricity provider, this can also be arranged.

Prime Minister Denise thinks that'll do for now. It's still quite warm outside, after all, and we might be lucky and get an Indian summer yet. Put an extra cardi on if it gets chilly of an evening. Or snuggle up on the sofa under a duvet with your hubby and watch Jeremy Paxman presenting University Challenge. Bound to make your blood boil.