And so it comes to this. 4 years wedded and Denise gives Andy a sausage making machine as an anniversary present. Andy, to his credit, is wildly excited and it's off to the supermarket toute suite to purchase sausage making ingredients. But it is late in the evening and, like Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard, the shelves are bare. Sausage making is put on hold for a day.

The night is restless as visions of Cumberlands dance in their heads...

Early next morning, Andy is dispatched to work and Denise is dispatched to town in search of a PROPER BUTCHER. She locates one with relative ease and watches in horror as a huge amount of dead pig is hacked from dead pig skeleton. 'Would madam like the bones?' No, madam would not, thank you kindly. What is madam supposed to do with pig bones? Make glue??

Denise texts Andy that half a dead pig now resides in the fridge, a-waiting (tra la) to be magicked into sausages. Andy arrives home from work barely able to contain his excitement. A quick visit to the batch of wine bubbling merrily in the attic (waiting for the explosion - oooohh, the anticipation is quite, quite thrilling!) and it's sausages a go-go!

Denise is relocated to living room with reassurances that Andy knows exactly what he is doing. And not to worry her pretty little head about a thing. Denise worries. She listens to noises from kitchen that suggest Andy has dispensed with instruction booklet and is, in common parlance, 'winging it.' Andy appears and asks advice from Denise regarding fine/medium/coarse texture grinding plates. Denise suggests Andy reads instruction booklet. Andy pouts. 'Okay - coarse, then', says Denise. 'Are you sure?' asks Andy. Denise throws DVD from designasausage.com at Andy and suggests he insert it in his hard drive.

Tybalt the cat clings to carpet in fear as war zone noises from kitchen build to a frenzied crescendo. Denise shuts door so she can properly enjoy Gok Wan's instructions on how to turn a lampshade into a hi-fashion mini skirt (despite not having the legs for it; even less so if a lot of sausage consumption is afoot over the next week or five.) Andy reappears. It seems that sausage construction is a two person operation.

Denise is supplied with an instrument that wouldn't look out of place in a doctor's surgery and instructed to stand up the stuffing end. 'Just push the meat into that hole there.' Oo-er missus!!Carry On Sausage Construction starring Pig James and Charles Porktrey. Andy assumes the position up the business end. Denise wants to film comedy sausage moment when machine runs too fast and a string of sausages is flung wildly out of control across the kitchen into the far distance. A stern look from Andy keeps her firmly in her place.

More war zone noises, a lot of pushing and shoving - 'Ooooh, the casing's slipped off. Oh no, now it's split. Faster than that. No, too fast, slow down...' and......the first string of sausage is born!! Aawww, sweet!!

Happy Anniversary!!