Decision Making

The Much Malarkey Manor Guide to Making a Decision

We all have to make decisions. Decision making is part of life. Small decisions to be made on a daily basis e.g shall I have toast or cereal for breakfast, what shall I wear today, what shall I cook for dinner, to occasional large decisions like is it time to change my job, or shall we get a dog for the children? (I've heard that the going rate is currently one dalmation for two pre-teens - sounds like a bargain to me.)

So, if you have a decision to make today, the Much Malarkey Manor Guide could help you on your way. If however, you are reading this and your intent is mere idle curiosity, then you may like to invent a decision so you can play the game along with the rest of us.

1) Gather decision making equipment. Previously I have used Tarot cards, but this is an unreliable form of decision making equipment as you tend to keep turning the cards until you get one that you like. So now, I find a pen, some sheets of paper, a packet of biscuits and a pot of tea do the job very well.

2) Decide on your decision. This in itself can be problematic so I suggest you start by working on the first thing that comes into your head, and then sneak in the really tricky decision of the day whilst your brain is distracted by things like shall I get a new handbag, new shoes or both?

3) Atmosphere is all important whilst making an important decision. Creating the right atmosphere will help concentrate your mind on the task in hand. Flashing lights, road drills, Kerranggggg!! radio and worrying about the gas bill are NOT conducive to good decision making. However, if you want to make a bad decision (and let's face it, sometimes the Devil will get the better of us when choosing between cholesterol-reducing olive oil spread and butter), then fill your boots with loud noises, bright lights and murderous thoughts re: fat cat utility company directors.

4) Try to make only one decision at a time. Sometimes, one's life one can be assailed with enormous pressure to make several decisions all at once. DO NOT BE CONCERNED. It is merely the universe trying to relieve the backlog before it goes on holiday. Even the universe likes to return to work with minimal outstanding paperwork. In such instances, it is best to ignore the universe, pop a CD of rhythm and blues onto your i-pod and dance around your kitchen in a wild and funky manner. On seeing this, the universe will tut, shakes its head and leave you alone for a couple of weeks whilst it goes to Malaga to top up its tan.

5) Having decided on your decision and created a calming atmosphere, you now need to focus. Ideally, you should focus on your decision somewhere near water because water and its movements are well known for their Zen-like properties. In the absence of a stunning Cornish coastline, or the limpid turquoise waters of St Lucia, I generally settle for the downstairs loo or doing some washing up. (NB -a decision involving whether to do the washing up is NOT a proper decision. Washing up needs to be done if you are to avoid getting a reputation as a slattern and a visit from Kim and Aggie, so get over it.)

6) Once you have achieved Beta Zone status (I have no idea what this is - I've only just made it up. If I make sense of it later, I'll get back to you) you will be able to approach your decision in a calm and rational manner. Ensure you maintain your focus. It is during the Beta Zone phase that decision-makers often become spooked and then panic, forcing them to make rapid and therefore irrational decisions about things like the wisdom of getting married or whether they'll look good in a sequinned boob tube.

7) Take a procrastination break. This is where the pack of biscuits and pot of tea come to the fore. Procrastination is an important part of the decision-making process because it heightens that sense of achievement when one does actually make that decision. One gets to think 'I almost didn't make that decision because I indulged in a spot of procrastination, but I battled against it and I WON!'

However, if during your break you catch yourself wondering whether to have coffee instead of tea then I am afraid you have succumbed to subliminal procrastination and there is no hope for you. Return to point 1) and start again. Or regress to childhood and get your Mum to make all your decisions for you.

8) Refreshed by your biscuits and pot of tea, return to the decision in hand. Now, close your eyes and concentrate hard. Of course, this now means you won't be able to read the last two steps in the Much Malarkey Manor Guide to Making a Decision. I once got stuck in the 'Greet the Sun' position from a Teach Yourself Tai Chi book for this very reason. Luckily, no-one was in the house to see me make a complete twit of myself. So you might want to open your eyes just a peek.

9) Take two sheets of paper. On the first write 'YES, I SHALL...' (and then insert the nature of your decision) and on the second, write 'NO, I SHALL NOT...' (again, inserting the nature of your decision). Fold the two pieces of paper in half, put them behind your back and shuffle. Now concentrate really, really hard on the decision to be made. (NB Remember to use the word 'shall' and not 'will', which is gramatically incorrect, or 'must' which is a musterbation and that way lies many a counselling session).

10) Place both pieces of paper in front of you. Shuffle them again. Pick one. Open it.

DECISION MADE!