The Much Malarkey Manor Guide to Wallpapering

With the technohub a.k.a the back bedroom a.k.a Andy's study now devoid of wallpaper, it was time to redecorate.

So here is the Much Malarkey Manor Guide to Wallpapering.

1) Once your room to be papered is clear of bookshelves, desks, books, paper shredders, Daleks, Globes of the World and swivel chairs, decide on your mode of wallpaper. Try not to choose anything with a) a pattern that needs matching up b) something very expensive that will cause you to curse the expense when you inevitably rip a piece or c) anything that is so smooth and delicate it will highlight any bump and inperfection in the plasterwork.
My Dad was a builder. His idea of sartorial elegance when decorating a property was woodchip and magnolia. But this is the 21st century so we went for hessian effect anaglypta and soft cream.

2) Into the room to be papered insert the following : 2 adults of slightly larger then average proportions, one old dining room table to act as pasting table, one large bucket for wallpaper paste, several pasting and smoothing brushes, a pair of scissors and a Stanley knife (to keep you on your toes), three rolls of wallpaper, one small set of steps, one small very curious kitten, one larger marginally curious cat who will wander off when a tin of tuna fails to appear, one bin bag. This combination will work well if said room to be papered is at least 12 ft x 12 ft. Not so good if room is nearer to 7ft x 7ft. Open a window in anticipation of sweat and cursing.

3) Read and ignore all instructions on wallpaper paste packet. Add more paste than required. It always looks too thin, anyway, and although they SAY it thickens up after stirring, surely it won't thicken up THAT much...will it???

4) Choose starting point. Ignore wallpaper manuals that suggest starting in the middle of a wall and working outwards. Start by a door. You'll need something to lean against whilst you get used to popping up and down a ladder. Also, a plumb line is superfluous. Accept your walls will never be totally straight and you will need to do some creative 'pleating' in one corner somewhere. Make sure it is a corner where you can hang a long dangly plant in a macrame basket. Or a windchime.

5) Measure length of wallpaper. Add on a little at each end to allow for trimming and mis-measurements e.g if a kitten, for example, gets between the wall and the wallpaper and you don't notice.

6) Paste wallpaper. Ignore the 'wait 5 to 7 minute for paste to soak in' instruction. You want to finish by lunchtime, don't you? Well, just get on with it then.

7) Climb steps and using a smoothing brush, smooth the first piece of paper onto the wall. This will go extremely well and lull you into a false sense of security. You won't be quite so smooth with the papering as the morning progresses, trust me. In fact, if you're really lucky, you might reach a state of frantic desperation. Trim top and bottom. Stand back and admire. Hopefully, your decorating partner will have by now measured and pasted the second piece of paper thereby setting up a seamless motion of cut paper, paste paper, hang paper, trim paper productivity. Yeah, right!

8) Do not worry about any minor creases, air bubbles and ever-so-slightly wonky edges. These can be camouflaged later by the cunning use of pictures, photographs, bookshelves, thick paint and calendars. Remember to tidy up as you go or you'll end up wearing sandals of gluey anaglypta if, like me, you decorate bare foot. Remove kitten from bin bag where she is sleeping amongst wallpaper trimmings.

9) When you are in sight of the winning post and have kept a calm temper whilst cutting glue covered paper into window recesses, chimney stacks, radiators, light switches and plug sockets, remember to run out of wallpaper. This is an important part of the process as it allows you to send husband out for another roll of wallpaper whilst you sit on the landing with a sticky kitten on your lap listening to Radio 7, doing Sudoku, drinking tea and eating flapjack.

10) The above break will renew your energies and you can put up last three pieces of wallpaper in record quick time. If, by now, you are uttering phrases like 'Oh, that'll do,' or 'Who looks at skirting boards anyway?' you know you have mastered the full amateur decorating experience and the job has been well done. At least you saved some money by doing it yourself. And it'll look better once it's had a coat of paint.

Finally, check walls for stray peeling edges, air bubbles and kitten-shaped lumps. Allow yourself a pat on the back.

Then join your decorating partner in a fish finger sandwich for lunch. There's nothing like the mutual appreciation of a fish finger sandwich to reconcile the fractiousness between a couple brought about by decorating the back bedroom. A.k.a. the technohub. A.k.a Andy's study.