Do It Ourselves

A magazine I purchased recently, mostly because it had recipes for what to do with pumpkins and squash, the vegetables most likely to be taking over storage space chez moi at the moment, also contained an article entitled '12 DIY skills no woman should be without'.

Now, I am all for women getting to grips with DIY. Be independent, be practical and you won't flounder like a useless article should you ever find yourself alone for any length of time (as I did for a few years following my one and only divorce.) During that period of time I discovered I could tile a kitchen, lay flooring, paint, wallpaper, unblock blocked plumbing, go out to buy a wheelbarrow and come home with a new car etc etc. However, the writer of the article seemed to have a very odd idea about what DIY skills a woman needs to master.

Here's the list. See what you think.

1) Wire a Plug - a bit of a redundant skill I think as all new electrical appliances these days come with moulded plugs ready attached. But if you've got an old and particularly favourite appliance, I suppose knowing that blue goes to the left, brown to the right and green up the middle is still useful information to have.

2) Hanging wall paper - the advice starts immediately by mentioning wallpaper with a pattern. Good Lord, why give yourself the grief?? Get plain wallpaper. It's far more user friendly. It also mentions starting to paper from a focal point or 'dominant wall'. Dominant wall? I should like to think all my walls are dominant, in order to keep the roof from falling in.

3) Mend a dripping tap - this is an easy one, especially if you've got a cat. Place cat by dripping tap. It'll keep the cat busy all day and avoid you having to listen to that annoying drip, drip drip sound . If you don't have a cat, and hard though it is to believe there are actually people out there who don't like cats (I know, crazy isn't it?), then a strategically placed dish cloth will absorb drips and muffle sound at the same time. Squeeze out into jug at end of day and use drippings to water houseplants, if you are especially water aware.

4) Fix a toilet that won't flush - the advice here mentions words like 'siphon', 'pliers' and 'wire coat hanger.' Sounds exciting, so am cutting this tip out to keep in bathroom just in case. In fact, I might render a toilet deliberately unflushable just so I can see if the trick they suggest actually works.

5) Painting - I'm sorry, but if you need to be told how to dip a brush or roller in paint and apply it to walls, you shouldn't be allowed out of the asylum in the first place. All successful painting requires is an old shirt if you're messy, a big dollop of confidence and the skills to win an argument with your spouse vis a vis 'Is 'Putting Green' green the right shade for the woodwork in the kitchen, wouldn't 'Sage Leaf' look better?'

6) Grouting - I grouch all the time, but not as much since I stopped reading the Daily Mail. (I am hoping to wean myself off it in the same manner of weaning myself off Eastenders nearly 2 years ago now.) Oops, sorry, grouting, not grouching. Well, grouting is fun. And very satisfying. I enjoy grouting. There is no mystery to it. Just follow the instructions on the packet (use the powered version, not the ready made stuff. I find the powdered stuff is far superior and more workable.) It is a thoroughly absorbing activity, especially if one needs distracting from a problem or general annoyance.

7) Drilling - drilling scares me. Or rather, my drill scares me. It's so, well, LOUD! I don't like LOUD! My dad was a carpenter and I much prefered using the non-electric drills he had in his workshop. You had more control over the speed and depth of what you were drilling. A bit like using a hand turn sewing machine over one with an electric pedal. Slow and steady wins the race and stops you getting carried away through electrical cables and plumbing. We have got one of those metal detector thingies for finding wires and pipes behind plastered walls but it seems to go off at a whim. Perhaps our house is lined with gold??

8) Sealing baths and sinks - now, whilst I can see myself doing this in theory (it's a bit like icing a cake which I can do with sometimes very good results), from a practical point of view it is a job best left to Guy the Builder especially if the task requires removal of old seal first using a Stanley knife. Or any kind of knife come to that. Unless it's a furry seal, you know, the - 'bark, bark, chuck me a fish' type. In which case I could have a go at tackling it myself. I have been at close quarters with many baby seals before. I was warned not to stand too close as they could be vicious little baskets. What? With those HUGE melting eyes, and that cute little whiskery nose?? Nah...

9)Unblock drains - if you've had babies or at least if you've ever changed a poopy nappy, then theoretically you should be able to cope with the contents of a blocked drain. I've got a very effective plunger plus I take the precautionary measure of downing half a packet of soda crystals into the plug holes with a kettle of boiling water once every fortnight or so, and touchwood, that generally keeps things flowing nicely. Failing that, Andy, being a vet, has put his hands in worse places and always seems keen to get up to his armpits in a drain if the opportunity arises.

10) Squeaky doors - excuse me? We need to be told how to deal with a squeaky door? Oil. On the hinges. Durrrr!

11) Replace a broken tile - if you have a broken tile, then the opportunity is ripe for a complete redecorate. Don't be faffing around trying to replace a single tile. You'll never find a replacement one that matches exactly anyway. And you're bound to crack the surrounding tiles as you set to with your hammer and screwdriver as suggested in the article. Redecorating is good for the soul. A change is as a good as as a rest, as they say. Out with the old, in with the new. Get ones with flowers on. Or tiny chickens.

12) Make a perfect cup of tea - WHAT??? The last DIY technique a woman needs to know is how to make a perfect cup of tea????? Well, for a start, the subject of perfection in tea is highly subjective. I know people who like their tea so strong you could stand a spoon up in it and people whose idea of tea perfection is to barely show the hot water the tea bag. I know people who use long-life milk (bleuch), who make tea straight into a mug (I'm a tea-pot girl myself) and who wax lyrical over Earl Grey (I'd rather drink ashes dissolved in dishwater.) So I declare this last 'tip' as null and void on the grounds of its total irrelevance.

So there we go. If us girls can get to grips with these 11 things (or 12 if you insist on keeping the highly tenous tea-making suggestion), then all our DIY demands can be fulfilled.

Of course, the ultimate in female DIY skills is the fluttering of the eye lashes and the invocation of a girly twee voice as you say 'I think the loo is broken/ drain is blocked/ car tyre is flat/ curtain pole needs putting up/ etc, etc etc.'

Works for me every time!