Universal Confusion

So I thought, I'll pull a Tarot card and see what the Universe says about me applying for this part-time teaching job. And then I thought, I'll just pop on the website and check that I still kind of vaguely want to apply for it in the first place. So I did. And the web-site wanted me to register first before I could apply on-line, so I did, even though I know it's all part of the Big Brother Is Watching You And Collecting Personal Information to Charge You More Tax Government Scam Thing.

And then it said, 'YOU HAVE ONLY 90 MINUTES TO COMPLETE THIS APPLICATION BEFORE YOU ARE TIMED OUT OF THE APPLICATION AND/OR THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT COMES TO A SUDDEN AND VIOLENT END!'

I thought, the computer is shouting at me! The computer is DEMANDING I should apply NOW! I am scared!! What if the world does end in 90 minutes? I mean, we've only just got the bees settled in. And what will the chickens say?

'I'll tell you what we'd say,' says Mrs Miggins. 'We'd say we'd be flipping annoyed, because we've got tickets to go and see Michael Buble in concert and Mrs Pumphrey wants to throw her frilly flannelettes in his direction.'
'Surely Bubble?' says Mrs Slocombe.
'Buble,' says Mrs Miggins, 'get back to your Sudoku.'

Well, no time to argue, no time to find important information. I had to go for it. Could I remember the exact dates of my employment history? Vaguely. Did I know what my OAN was? Are you mad? I didn't even know what OAN meant. Oranges and 'nanas? Ordinary And Nice? In a 90-minute-and-you're-out-panic I guessed N stood for number, because the job is with the same employer as I am currently with i.e KCC, so I looked on my last salary slip and punched in a number which looked like it might be official. The computer didn't say 'no' so I carried on.

The trickiest bit was 'explain why you are applying for this job.'

Hmmm. Well, 'because I want to earn decent money whilst working as few hours as possible because I want to get back to more writing, growing carrots and communing with bees 'n' hens' didn't sound quite like the kind of things a future employer would be want to hearing. So, because I am a creative writer, I wrote what I knew they WOULD want to hear (it's all political, this job application malarkey), and managed to mention hens and bees at the same time!!

And then, with literally minutes to spare (you can thank me later for preventing the world meeting a sudden and violent end) I sent off the application, but I did remember to check my spelling and grammar first, so that was good.

And then I went to pull a Tarot card.

I pulled 'The Dreamer.'

'Oh great,' I said, to any Ethereal Beings that might have been in the vicinity. 'Now look; if you want me to follow 'The Dreamer' then you are going to have work with me on it. I need to work, as Andy is going part-time from this month. We are going to try and manage on part-time salaries so we can spend more time growing stuff and looking after bees and hens and any other livestock we can squeeze into our available space without the neighbours getting narky. We are trying to move away from the materialistic; I, for example, am going to restrict any future clothes-buying to shoes and pants, and only when I've worn out any previous pairs. But we still have bills to pay, a mortgage to upkeep, savings to squirrel away, so it's all going to be a bit of a fine work/ life balance unless a great wodge of cash-to-buy-a-small-holding/tea-shop/B&B appears...'

I paused at this point, in case the Ethereal Beings chipped in with, 'Yes, yes! Go to the end of the road and you will find a bag of money in the post box/ under the tree in the park/ floating mid-air, just grab it,'.......

...but they didn't.

I sighed. 'Just bear with us unconfident, procrastinating human fools, will you?' I finished. And went to move the sofa from the 'conservatory' because I got Andy an armchair to replace it , as it doesn't take up quite so much room and will be better for his back when he's in slump mode.

'What's up with her?' said one Ethereal Being. Because whatever I might think, they are always listening.
'Life, I expect,' said another.