Holistic Hens

The hens have got wind of my plans to develop a career in holistic therapy.

'We can help!' they said, when I went out to greet the sun with them yesterday morning.
'Oh really?' I said, filling their water bowls and topping up their food, as yet another heatwave day presented itself over the horizon.
'And what are you wearing exactly?' asked Mrs Miggins. 'They're very distracting.'
'They are my new jimjams,' I said. 'Do you like them?'
'You look ridiculous,' said Miggins.
'Oh, I don't know,' said Mrs Pumphrey, who lives, as you know, at the cutting edge of fashion. 'I rather like the huge pink and blue dots on the trousers. And the massive bow on the left bosom is rather fetching in a Danny La Rue kind of way.'
'More like Coco the Clown,' snorted Miggins. 'Aren't you afraid you're going to choke on it in the middle of the night?'
'No,' I said, hotly. But secretly I was.

'Anyway,' said Mrs Miggins, once she had partaken of a handful of breakfast cereal followed by a goodly pile of dandelion leaves (good for the bladder, don't you know), 'about our holistic therapy
business...'
'Our holistic therapy business?' I said.
'Good, I'm glad we've got that settled,' said Miggins.
'You have a blob of dandelion leaf on your beak; shall I peck it off?' said Mrs Slocombe, helpfully.
'Come near me with that beak and I'll break your wings,' said Mrs Miggins, 'but do tell our holistic therapy partner about your beak related therapy.'

'Well, 'said Mrs Slocombe, 'it's quite revolutionary...'
'I'll bet it is,' I said.
'It's called Pecku-puncture,' said Mrs Slocombe.
'Don't tell me,' I said, 'you get to peck people silly with that naughty feather pecking beak of yours.'
'Oh, you've already heard of it?' said Mrs Slocombe, somewhat surprised.
'Lucky guess,' I said. 'And I'm not so sure it's going to be very relaxing or therapeutic for my clients to be pecked to within an inch of their sanity by a chicken.'
'Well, there's always the slightly gentler form - acupeckture,' said Slocombe.

'I want to tell her about my ideas,' said Mrs Pumphrey, who was already wandering around in a mystical way in her Madame Arcarti outfit.
'Tarot?' I said.
'Yes,' said Mrs Pumphrey, 'but with a subtle twist.'
'And that twist would be?' I said.
'Gin and tonic,' said Mrs Pumphrey. 'Very relaxing, and I should know.'

'Right, I'm going in for breakfast,' I said. 'And I'm taking my pyjamas with me.'
'But wait!' called Mrs Miggins, as I beat a hasty retreat. 'We haven't told you about the special herbs we're growing behind the South Wing gazebo.'
'I don't want to hear anything about special herbs,' I said, sticking my fingers in my ears. 'Tra-la-la-la-LA!!!!!!!!'

Anyway, I have located courses on aromatherapy, reflexology, diet and nutrition, Indian head massage and Reiki. I think that will do for starters.

Chickens not included.