Friday, 7 October 2011

Hearth and Home

Today is St Osyth's Day. We should all be invoking St Osyth tonight, in order to keep our hearth and homes free from calamity for the coming year. That would be good. There's been way too much calamity chez nous this year.

So, last thing before bed, we have to rake the ashes from the grate and mark them with a cross. We don't have ashes in our fireplace here at the Manor; we have an ENORMOUS round bottomed jug covered in pretty pink roses which is generally home to a pot plant except the current pot plant is on its last legs and may be usurped by a different pot plant of the non-dying variety any day now. Anyway, I've scraped some dust from the vacuum cleaner in lieu of ashes - well, it's all household crud, isn't it?

Next, you have to offer a prayer to St Osyth to protect the house from 'fire, water and all other calamities.' I have been wondering what 'other calamities' I could specify, because I always think it's important to be exact in these things. So I shall also be asking St Osyth to protect us from Bank Holiday electric appliance breakdowns, clunky boilers, wasp invasion and anything at all to do with the upstairs bathroom which is sorely in need of a re-do.

Prayers said, you can then rest in easy, peaceful and protected sleep. Does that mean I can cancel the contents insurance, I wonder?

St Osyth was an Essex girl. I don't know if she had a fake tan, a pierced belly button, hair extensions and false nails, but I do know she was captured by pirates and beheaded. And she must have had a certain core of steel to her character because she refused to die until she had carried her head to the place she wished to be buried which was 3 miles away, and to be honest, I'd have put more distance than that between me and bunch of blood-thirsty pirates.

I'm sorry Mrs Pumphrey wasn't able to deliver the Saint's Day story, as is her usual wont. Only she's at the Bingo. I did ask her if she'd be back tomorrow to tell you all about St Keyne, but she said that apart from being able to turn snakes into stone, St Keyne was a bit of a boring woman, so no, she wouldn't, especially if she wins tonight's jackpot.

Finally, I'd like to say 'hang on in there' to my friend, Janet, who's been through a bit of an ill-health marathon these last few months, and that I'm lighting a candle for her and sending healing hugs.

And finally finally, 'Hello and Welcome!' to Alexander, the latest house guest to arrive at MMM. Good to meet you, and I hope all is well in Oklahoma. And I apologise now, but Andy and I sang 'Oklahoma!' from the musical 'Oklahoma' in your honour, and we scared the cats.

But the thought was there!

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