It was a busy day yesterday. Very purposeful, I felt. Firstly, I had a meeting with my web site consultant. His name is Andre. He is very flamboyant. Like a cross between Liberace and Freddy Mercury only without the tan and teeth. (He was wearing sequinned trousers though, droppings of which I am still hoovering from the carpet this morning.)
'What I neeeeeeeeeeeed,' says Andre,' is an ideeeeea of what you would like on your weeeeeeb site. Designs, text, colours, layout, pages....everytheeeeeeeeeeeng!'
I think, hang on matey, this is what I'm paying you to do. I don't have ideas, for heaven's sake. You're supposed to be the creative one if that shirt you're wearing is anything to go by.
'Can't you just build the site and then I'll add the writing?' I say hopefully.
Andre is picking through the biscuit barrel. He is looking disdainful of my selection. He is thinking, too right, not an ounce of inspiration in sight.
'No Duchy Originals?' he says.
'No,' I say. 'Although once the web-site is up and running I may add a shop that sells 'Much Malarkey Manor You've Never Seen Anything Like 'Em Crunchies.'
Andre sniffs. 'So,' he says, 'I will go now and purchase you the domain name.'
Already he's lost me, but Andre exudes a gentle, yet slightly edgy air that makes me feel I can let him get on with the project and no major disasters will ensue.
'Well?' he says.
'Well what?'
He sighs. There will be a lot of sighing today. 'What do you want your website to be called?'
'Much Malarkey Manor,' I say. I think, we've already established this, haven't we?
'I know! I KNOW!' says Andre. 'But do you want muchmalarkeymanor, or much-malarkey-manor, or much_malarkey_manor, or MMM, or...'
We decide on www.much-malarkey-manor.co.uk which is available thank goodness, as there would have been tears before bedtime if it wasn't. (And if you're thinking of clicking on the link now, I'd suggest you don't. You'll only be disappointed as all the work achieved yesterday is very much behind the scenes/ under the ground/ foundation level. I'll let you know when it all kicks off. We'll have a launch party or something, okay? Canapes, a jazz band maybe. Release a couple of emus into the wild.)
Andre disappears to the web site construction hub aka the back bedroom, muttering something about pay and conditions as he passes by so I keep him regularly furnished with coffee, tea and cake and try to avoid appearing at his side every five minutes saying 'Is it done yet?' Periodically, I am summoned to view the latest cartoon, or magic window idea. The more that appears, the more excited I become. I repair to my writing room and spread myself out on the floor with myriad sheets of paper, coming up with ideas for web content.
'I want bells in the hallway!' I shout. 'And an attic room which will be the link to Nearly King Jimbo. It has to be the attic room because there's going to be a telescope trained on Titbury von Streudelheim which is twinned with the village of Olden Glish where Much Malarkey Manor is situated. Mrs Pumphrey is going to be in charge of fashion tips and Pandora is going to manage the problem page. It's going to be called 'Dear Pandora...'
Andre appears at the door. 'You need to calm down,' he says. 'You need to understand there could be certain limitations on your vision.'
'No, no!' I say. 'No limitations. Everything is possible. The only limitation is my imagination.'
'Quite,' says Andre.
So it's coming together slowly, bit by bit. Andre and I are working our way through some delicate negotiations i.e I say things like, 'Can I have a plant pot with a little ladybird or spider appearing and tipping a wink at the visitor?' and he says, 'No,' and I quiver my bottom lip and pretend not to be shot through with disappointment at the crushing of my creativity and then he says, 'Well, I'll try and see what I can do,' and I give him a sweet.
The building work has begun. Until then, I'll blog on and keep you all informed of progress.
And work on my range of Much Malarkey Manor biscuits.
Showing posts with label building. Show all posts
Showing posts with label building. Show all posts
Sunday, 19 July 2009
Sunday, 3 May 2009
The Great Bank Holiday Polytunnel Project Day 2
With drill recharged and the additional equipment of a step-ladder to avoid a repeat of yesterday's inelegant dangling off the top rail and swearing a lot as he tried to attach important screws, Andy and I set off for the allotment for Day 2 of the polytunnel experience. At the allotment, yesterday's handiwork stood tall, proud and hoopy like a tall, proud, hoopy thing.
As Andy immersed himself in a pile of power tools and bits of wood and metal, I continued my weeding campaign from yesterday. I am pleased to report we are almost weed free and whatever weeds that pop up for the rest of the growing season can now be dealt with by a bit of swift hoeing. I also made two net cages for the many cauliflower seedlings ('We LOVE cauliflower, don't we Andy?' 'Mm-mmmmm,' says Andy) and cabbage seedlings that needed planting out, and sowed some seeds straight into the ground - red beetroot, golden beetroot, carrots and spring onions. I stood and admired the flowers on the blackberry bush and strawberry plants and whilst I was upside-down and head long 'neath the gooseberry bushes weeding out some buttercups, I noticed some tiny, weeny gooseberries starting to swell.
We both agree the allotment is looking pretty darn good at the moment!
Today I was called upon to hold the spirit level against the door frames and to draw lines on the door frames where the wood needed cutting as Andy stood, arms aloft, holding up the door frames. I resisted the urge to tickle him until the very last moment when naughtiness got the better of me. In I went for the tickle. Andy, alarmed, stepped back and trampled my raspberries. 'Mind the raspberries!' I shrieked. 'Mind my armpits,' shrieked back Andy. Touche!
My opinion was also required vis a vis the location of the diagonal brace bars.
'They don't look right, sitting at that angle,' said Andy, frowning 'neath his big floppy hat.
'What angle?' I said, because I couldn't see anything on account of the fact my even bigger floppy hat was rammed very tightly onto my head because of the wind. (Atmospheric, not personal.)
So we wiggled and jiggled the diagonal brace bars, slid them up and down a bit, turned them upside-down even but there was only one way they were going to fit as per the instructions, and that was the way Polytunnel Maestro Andy had fitted them.
A nice old chappie from the lottie across the way and along a bit mooched over and enquired after our polytunnel e.g where we got it, how much it cost, the pros and cons etc. He admired it and declared it a 'wonderful thing,' and then wandered off with the kind of wander that suggested he might very well be getting one himself.
And he was right, that nice old chappie. Our polytunnel is a wonderful thing. It adds gravitas and grace to our plot. It confirms that we are SERIOUS about growing our own organic food. That we have moved up a step on the self-sufficiency ladder. Walking up to unlock the main gate to let Andy drive through as we finished our allotment stint today (another 5 hours!), I found myself very much in mind to make a jazzy number '87' to add to identity our plot.
And here is another picture so you can see progress for today.
As Andy immersed himself in a pile of power tools and bits of wood and metal, I continued my weeding campaign from yesterday. I am pleased to report we are almost weed free and whatever weeds that pop up for the rest of the growing season can now be dealt with by a bit of swift hoeing. I also made two net cages for the many cauliflower seedlings ('We LOVE cauliflower, don't we Andy?' 'Mm-mmmmm,' says Andy) and cabbage seedlings that needed planting out, and sowed some seeds straight into the ground - red beetroot, golden beetroot, carrots and spring onions. I stood and admired the flowers on the blackberry bush and strawberry plants and whilst I was upside-down and head long 'neath the gooseberry bushes weeding out some buttercups, I noticed some tiny, weeny gooseberries starting to swell.
We both agree the allotment is looking pretty darn good at the moment!
Today I was called upon to hold the spirit level against the door frames and to draw lines on the door frames where the wood needed cutting as Andy stood, arms aloft, holding up the door frames. I resisted the urge to tickle him until the very last moment when naughtiness got the better of me. In I went for the tickle. Andy, alarmed, stepped back and trampled my raspberries. 'Mind the raspberries!' I shrieked. 'Mind my armpits,' shrieked back Andy. Touche!
My opinion was also required vis a vis the location of the diagonal brace bars.
'They don't look right, sitting at that angle,' said Andy, frowning 'neath his big floppy hat.
'What angle?' I said, because I couldn't see anything on account of the fact my even bigger floppy hat was rammed very tightly onto my head because of the wind. (Atmospheric, not personal.)
So we wiggled and jiggled the diagonal brace bars, slid them up and down a bit, turned them upside-down even but there was only one way they were going to fit as per the instructions, and that was the way Polytunnel Maestro Andy had fitted them.
A nice old chappie from the lottie across the way and along a bit mooched over and enquired after our polytunnel e.g where we got it, how much it cost, the pros and cons etc. He admired it and declared it a 'wonderful thing,' and then wandered off with the kind of wander that suggested he might very well be getting one himself.
And he was right, that nice old chappie. Our polytunnel is a wonderful thing. It adds gravitas and grace to our plot. It confirms that we are SERIOUS about growing our own organic food. That we have moved up a step on the self-sufficiency ladder. Walking up to unlock the main gate to let Andy drive through as we finished our allotment stint today (another 5 hours!), I found myself very much in mind to make a jazzy number '87' to add to identity our plot.
And here is another picture so you can see progress for today.
Saturday, 2 May 2009
Polytunnel growing
How to grow a polytunnel:
1) Buy a packet of polytunnel seeds. You only get one in a packet and they aren't cheap, so make sure you wait until the time is right before sowing.
2) Take polytunnel seed from packet.
3) Plant seed. Water well.
4) Wait a day
5) Voila! Instant polytunnel!!
...and then Andy woke up...
Did you know that today was National Naked Gardening Day? No, neither did we until we got back from 5 and a half hours at the allotment and got to read the newspapers. What an opportunity we missed there.
Anyway, the sun was up, we were up, we were breakfasted (home grown eggs on home made bread toasted into toast), we packed plenty of water, insect repellent, pink radio and silly floppy hats, and off we went to the allotment to start the Great Bank Holiday Weekend Polytunnel Project. Andy had read the instruction book, watched the 'How to Build a Polytunnel' video on the internet, gathered together the relevant tools and braced himself for some Heavy Duty Man Building. Gggrrrrrrr!!!!
'You never know,' I said, as we zipped through town, 'someone might offer to give you a hand once you get started.'
'No!' said Andy. 'I don't want any help. I want to build this ALL BY MYSELF, do you hear? ALL BY MYSELF!!! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!'
There was a look in Andy's eye. A look that said 'I want to build this polytunnel ALL BY MYSELF!!!Mwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!'
So, I settled down to some serious weeding, and earthing up of potatoes (again...good grief, we'll have our own mountain range soon if they keep shooting up at this rate), and watering the beans and peas which are being very good and twirling themselves around the poles and netting I put up for them. And Andy settled himself down with a large tape measure, a long spirit level, a spade and several bits of meccano-type metals of various shapes, sizes and bendiness.
It was hot. The sun beat down mercilessly on our silly floppy hats. An insect landed on my arm ready to take a bite then flung itself off and expired when it tasted my eau de insect spray. If we had known it was National Naked Gardening Day we might have been tempted to give it our full support.
We swigged from our water supplies.
'I hope you are doing any diggin gover there!' shouted Andy. 'Don't make your foot worse now it's getting better.'
'Okay! I yelled back, surreptitiously hiding the fork behind my one good leg.
Periodically, I was summoned to assist with the process of accurate measuring. You have to get your corners and angles just right. Andy wasn't specific about what would happen if we were a bit skew-whiff with our corners and angles, but I imagine ripped polythene might figure heavily somewhere in the equation. Much use was made of Pythagoras's theorum, much jiggling of base plates and hoop anchors was done until the magic words 'That'll do. It's within tolerance,' were uttered.
And then! Up went the first hoop!!
'Good grief!' I said, staring into the sky. 'It looks like the Millennium Dome!'
Up went Hoop 2 and then Hoop 3. And then the top bar to hold it all steady. It is HUGE!!! Wow!!! And oddly enough, it has given personality to Plot 87.
Andy's screw driver ran out of power at this point so we went home.
And do you know what he's doing now, this very moment?
'What's he doing?' says Miggins, peering through the net curtains of Cluckinghen Palace at the banging going on on the lawn (yes, we have a bit of a back lawn growing back). 'He's disturbing my watching of Robin Hood.'
'He's building something,' says Mrs Poo.
'What?' says Miggins.
'Looks like doors for a polytunnel,' says Poo, who knows about these things, having once been an carpenter's apprentice before she hooked up with the Gemsta for a bit of Formula One mechanics.
'Not a toboggan then?' says Slocombe.
'Or a Swedish Sauna?' says Pumphrey, 'it looks like the door to a Swedish Sauna to me.'
'Definitely a polytunnel door,' says Poo. 'I hope he watches what he's doing with that hammer though. What with it being National Naked Gardening Day.'
1) Buy a packet of polytunnel seeds. You only get one in a packet and they aren't cheap, so make sure you wait until the time is right before sowing.
2) Take polytunnel seed from packet.
3) Plant seed. Water well.
4) Wait a day
5) Voila! Instant polytunnel!!
...and then Andy woke up...
Did you know that today was National Naked Gardening Day? No, neither did we until we got back from 5 and a half hours at the allotment and got to read the newspapers. What an opportunity we missed there.
Anyway, the sun was up, we were up, we were breakfasted (home grown eggs on home made bread toasted into toast), we packed plenty of water, insect repellent, pink radio and silly floppy hats, and off we went to the allotment to start the Great Bank Holiday Weekend Polytunnel Project. Andy had read the instruction book, watched the 'How to Build a Polytunnel' video on the internet, gathered together the relevant tools and braced himself for some Heavy Duty Man Building. Gggrrrrrrr!!!!
'You never know,' I said, as we zipped through town, 'someone might offer to give you a hand once you get started.'
'No!' said Andy. 'I don't want any help. I want to build this ALL BY MYSELF, do you hear? ALL BY MYSELF!!! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!'
There was a look in Andy's eye. A look that said 'I want to build this polytunnel ALL BY MYSELF!!!Mwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!'
So, I settled down to some serious weeding, and earthing up of potatoes (again...good grief, we'll have our own mountain range soon if they keep shooting up at this rate), and watering the beans and peas which are being very good and twirling themselves around the poles and netting I put up for them. And Andy settled himself down with a large tape measure, a long spirit level, a spade and several bits of meccano-type metals of various shapes, sizes and bendiness.
It was hot. The sun beat down mercilessly on our silly floppy hats. An insect landed on my arm ready to take a bite then flung itself off and expired when it tasted my eau de insect spray. If we had known it was National Naked Gardening Day we might have been tempted to give it our full support.
We swigged from our water supplies.
'I hope you are doing any diggin gover there!' shouted Andy. 'Don't make your foot worse now it's getting better.'
'Okay! I yelled back, surreptitiously hiding the fork behind my one good leg.
Periodically, I was summoned to assist with the process of accurate measuring. You have to get your corners and angles just right. Andy wasn't specific about what would happen if we were a bit skew-whiff with our corners and angles, but I imagine ripped polythene might figure heavily somewhere in the equation. Much use was made of Pythagoras's theorum, much jiggling of base plates and hoop anchors was done until the magic words 'That'll do. It's within tolerance,' were uttered.
And then! Up went the first hoop!!
'Good grief!' I said, staring into the sky. 'It looks like the Millennium Dome!'
Up went Hoop 2 and then Hoop 3. And then the top bar to hold it all steady. It is HUGE!!! Wow!!! And oddly enough, it has given personality to Plot 87.
Andy's screw driver ran out of power at this point so we went home.
And do you know what he's doing now, this very moment?
'What's he doing?' says Miggins, peering through the net curtains of Cluckinghen Palace at the banging going on on the lawn (yes, we have a bit of a back lawn growing back). 'He's disturbing my watching of Robin Hood.'
'He's building something,' says Mrs Poo.
'What?' says Miggins.
'Looks like doors for a polytunnel,' says Poo, who knows about these things, having once been an carpenter's apprentice before she hooked up with the Gemsta for a bit of Formula One mechanics.
'Not a toboggan then?' says Slocombe.
'Or a Swedish Sauna?' says Pumphrey, 'it looks like the door to a Swedish Sauna to me.'
'Definitely a polytunnel door,' says Poo. 'I hope he watches what he's doing with that hammer though. What with it being National Naked Gardening Day.'
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Ta-dah!!! Announcing the completion of Cluckinghen Palace
Only a tiny bit of blood was split today in the completion of Cluckinghen Palace. A quick dab with some warm water and kitchen towel, a cup of tea and 2 Jaffa cakes, and Andy the Architect/builder was back in the garden to complete his task. I went to my writing room to get some notes together for the 'A' level student I am tutoring at the moment and to keep Fred the Cat company. Fred the Cat is huge, furry and ginger and we are looking after him for three days until he goes to French France to become a French France cat. He is confined to my writing room for the duration because he doesn't match the black and white theme of our other cats.
As the yard arm swang/ swung/ swingled (I'm never sure which is correct) past noon, Andy appeared. He looked weary. He looked tired. Yet he looked like a man who has done battle with several lengths of four by two, some willow trellis and chicken wire and has won!
'It's finished,' he said, flomping on my writing room sofa. This is my cue to go for an inspection.
Presenting - CLUCKINGHEN PALACE -
Ahem...'This is not just any hen run. This is a specially handcrafted hen run, the like of which has never been seen before. It is unique. It has many special features. It was built by Andy. Please, come with me on a guided tour:-
The spa bath, for all your parasite removing needs. Fits two comfortably, three at a push and four if you want to get really down and cosy with your friends
The roosting bench. A smooth and soft seating area, wide enough for the biggest of chicken tushes. Sit and relax in the sun. Read a book. Knit a sweater. Or simply doze in comfort without fear of falling off.
The Woodlands. Get back to nature and ramble in the undergrowth of the eucalyptus. Grub for, er, grubs in the roots. Instant shade from the sun and a handy preening area for those inclement English showers
Camping For Fun! The gazebo area offers privacy and shade all year round. Cool in the summer, frost free in the winter. (Warning - no barbacues)
Eat 'n' Go food bar. Dangle cabbages, apples, clumps of dandelions from this novelty shrub
and exercise whilst eating. The pounds won't pile on with this handy little feature
The Long Run - ever felt like a good gallop but lacked the space? This run will let you get up enough steam to keep those thighs trim. Combined with the Eat 'n' Go bar, this stretch of ground competes with the best track and field keep-fit facilities in the country, nay the world.
The Lounge - root around until your heart's content in this deep bark scratching heaven. Pile all the chippings up in a heap, then spread 'em out again. The entertainment is endless.
And all surrounded by willow trellis, offering the ultimate in safety and beauty. (Landscaping to be completed by the end of the year, terms and conditions apply).
Good, innit??
As the yard arm swang/ swung/ swingled (I'm never sure which is correct) past noon, Andy appeared. He looked weary. He looked tired. Yet he looked like a man who has done battle with several lengths of four by two, some willow trellis and chicken wire and has won!
'It's finished,' he said, flomping on my writing room sofa. This is my cue to go for an inspection.
Presenting - CLUCKINGHEN PALACE -
Ahem...'This is not just any hen run. This is a specially handcrafted hen run, the like of which has never been seen before. It is unique. It has many special features. It was built by Andy. Please, come with me on a guided tour:-
The spa bath, for all your parasite removing needs. Fits two comfortably, three at a push and four if you want to get really down and cosy with your friends
The roosting bench. A smooth and soft seating area, wide enough for the biggest of chicken tushes. Sit and relax in the sun. Read a book. Knit a sweater. Or simply doze in comfort without fear of falling off.
The Woodlands. Get back to nature and ramble in the undergrowth of the eucalyptus. Grub for, er, grubs in the roots. Instant shade from the sun and a handy preening area for those inclement English showers
Camping For Fun! The gazebo area offers privacy and shade all year round. Cool in the summer, frost free in the winter. (Warning - no barbacues)
Eat 'n' Go food bar. Dangle cabbages, apples, clumps of dandelions from this novelty shrub
and exercise whilst eating. The pounds won't pile on with this handy little feature
The Long Run - ever felt like a good gallop but lacked the space? This run will let you get up enough steam to keep those thighs trim. Combined with the Eat 'n' Go bar, this stretch of ground competes with the best track and field keep-fit facilities in the country, nay the world.
The Lounge - root around until your heart's content in this deep bark scratching heaven. Pile all the chippings up in a heap, then spread 'em out again. The entertainment is endless.
And all surrounded by willow trellis, offering the ultimate in safety and beauty. (Landscaping to be completed by the end of the year, terms and conditions apply).
Good, innit??
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