'I'm getting a bit fed up standing under this tree with frozen feet,' says Mrs Miggins, as I battle my way into the South Wing grounds of Cluckinghen Palace for the fourth day to dig the girls out. It is gone 7 a.m, it is dark, it is freezing, and chicken keeping is becoming a bit of a challenging rescue mission each morning.
'Well,' I say, 'you can always try moving about a bit. The snow is gradually melting.'
'Is that what it is?' says Mrs Slocombe, appearing from the pod, dragging a pile of straw behind her. 'I thought it was marshmallow.'
I forget that this is the first decent blob of snow that Mrs Slocombe and Mrs Pumphrey have ever seen. There was a bit of a blob back in February, but nothing like we've had since Friday.
'No, it's snow,' I say. I put out fresh food - layers pellets, lettuce and apple, change their water bowl which manages to freeze over several times during the day, and fill up their pod with fresh straw. 'And will you leave the straw inside the pod please? You are making a right Royal mess by dragging it around like that.'
'But it keeps our toesies warm,' said Mrs Slocombe, kicking the straw around a bit. 'And it also gives us something to do when we're stranded under the tree.'
'You aren't stranded,' I say, 'you can always venture forth a little further than the three foot you've managed over the weekend. Being stranded means not being able to move at all. You're just being lazy. And I've been trying to clear the snow so you can spread out a bit. Trouble is, where do you put it? There's just so much of the stuff.'
'I could tell you where to put it...' begins Mrs Miggins. Snow, it seems, has done nothing to improve her humour.
'That won't be necessary, ' I say, leaning on my shovel for a breather. 'Where's Mrs Pumphrey, by the way?'
'That's a good question,' says Mrs Miggins. 'She was up early this morning, said she was going ski-ing in the North Wing. She said she liked the look of the marshmallow slope.'
'And?' I say, peering towards the North Wing, where the snow was like pizza - deep pan, crisp and even.
'And we can't find her,' says Mrs Miggins. 'I've tried her pager, I've tried yodelling, but she appears to have vanished.'
'Mobile phone?' I say.
'In the pod, on charge,' says Mrs Miggins. 'It's because she's white, you see. She's blending in with the current surroundings.'
'She's camel flahajed,' says Mrs Slocombe, who has now finished flinging straw around. 'Are you sure this isn't marshmallow?'
'Positive,' I say.
'I suppose that explains why it wasn't holding its form over the fire on the toasting fork last night,' sighs Mrs Slocombe.
'I suppose,' I say, 'that I'm going to have to organise a search party for her.'
'No need,' says Mrs Miggins. 'Tango Pete's already out with his four-wheel drive and his Saint Bernard called Bernard. He'll find Mrs Pumphrey, don't you fret.'
I'm not fretting. Being a chicken keeper in the snow has been very testing on the nerves. Locating a white chicken wearing skis in a snow drift would be the pinnacle of testiness.
I carry on with snow removal duties, Mrs Miggins carries on grumping about cold feet and Mrs Slocombe starts to build a snow cock, now she knows the snow is snow and not marshmallow, which isn't reknowned for its modelling capabilities.
The roar of an engine and the bark of a dog called Bernard interrupts our various activities.
'Did you find her?' I say, as Tango Pete alights from his 4 x 4.
'No,' says Tango Pete. 'Not a sight, not a sound, not a cluck, not a squawk. (I would like to say at this point that the 'squawk' is very difficult to remember how to spell. It gets me every time.)
'Oh,' I say. 'That's very disturbing. Now what do we do?'
We stand in the snow, me and Mrs Miggins, Mrs Slocombe and Tango Pete. Our friend and colleague is missing. This is a calamity. An eerie silence descends. My heart is starting to beat in a panicky sort of way and I'm feeling guilty for feeling narky about the difficulty of my chicken keeping duties these last few days.
And then...
'BOO!!'
We jump out of our skin and feathers.
'GOT YOU!!' crows Mrs Pumphrey, which is rather alarming. You know the saying - 'A whistling woman and crowing hen is neither good for God nor men.'
'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?' yells Mrs Miggins. 'WE'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU. WELL, ME AND BETTY HAVE; SHE DOESN'T CARE.' And she points an accusing wing in my direction (which is half way up the tree, given the fright I've just endured.)
'I've been here all along,' laughs Mrs Pumphrey.
'Camel flahajed in the snow!' says Mrs Slocombe, who joins in the laughter, because she likes a practical joke.
Anyway, we all have a swig of brandy from Bernard's barrel, even me and I can't stand the stuff, and then we troop into the Manor to toast some proper marshmallows, which is a much drier activity than trying to toast lumps of snow.
Snow - it was the best of times and the worst of times. Or is that another tale altogether??
Showing posts with label chicken run. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chicken run. Show all posts
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Ta-dah!!! Announcing the completion of Cluckinghen Palace
Only a tiny bit of blood was split today in the completion of Cluckinghen Palace. A quick dab with some warm water and kitchen towel, a cup of tea and 2 Jaffa cakes, and Andy the Architect/builder was back in the garden to complete his task. I went to my writing room to get some notes together for the 'A' level student I am tutoring at the moment and to keep Fred the Cat company. Fred the Cat is huge, furry and ginger and we are looking after him for three days until he goes to French France to become a French France cat. He is confined to my writing room for the duration because he doesn't match the black and white theme of our other cats.
As the yard arm swang/ swung/ swingled (I'm never sure which is correct) past noon, Andy appeared. He looked weary. He looked tired. Yet he looked like a man who has done battle with several lengths of four by two, some willow trellis and chicken wire and has won!
'It's finished,' he said, flomping on my writing room sofa. This is my cue to go for an inspection.
Presenting - CLUCKINGHEN PALACE -
Ahem...'This is not just any hen run. This is a specially handcrafted hen run, the like of which has never been seen before. It is unique. It has many special features. It was built by Andy. Please, come with me on a guided tour:-
The spa bath, for all your parasite removing needs. Fits two comfortably, three at a push and four if you want to get really down and cosy with your friends
The roosting bench. A smooth and soft seating area, wide enough for the biggest of chicken tushes. Sit and relax in the sun. Read a book. Knit a sweater. Or simply doze in comfort without fear of falling off.
The Woodlands. Get back to nature and ramble in the undergrowth of the eucalyptus. Grub for, er, grubs in the roots. Instant shade from the sun and a handy preening area for those inclement English showers
Camping For Fun! The gazebo area offers privacy and shade all year round. Cool in the summer, frost free in the winter. (Warning - no barbacues)
Eat 'n' Go food bar. Dangle cabbages, apples, clumps of dandelions from this novelty shrub
and exercise whilst eating. The pounds won't pile on with this handy little feature
The Long Run - ever felt like a good gallop but lacked the space? This run will let you get up enough steam to keep those thighs trim. Combined with the Eat 'n' Go bar, this stretch of ground competes with the best track and field keep-fit facilities in the country, nay the world.
The Lounge - root around until your heart's content in this deep bark scratching heaven. Pile all the chippings up in a heap, then spread 'em out again. The entertainment is endless.
And all surrounded by willow trellis, offering the ultimate in safety and beauty. (Landscaping to be completed by the end of the year, terms and conditions apply).
Good, innit??
As the yard arm swang/ swung/ swingled (I'm never sure which is correct) past noon, Andy appeared. He looked weary. He looked tired. Yet he looked like a man who has done battle with several lengths of four by two, some willow trellis and chicken wire and has won!
'It's finished,' he said, flomping on my writing room sofa. This is my cue to go for an inspection.
Presenting - CLUCKINGHEN PALACE -
Ahem...'This is not just any hen run. This is a specially handcrafted hen run, the like of which has never been seen before. It is unique. It has many special features. It was built by Andy. Please, come with me on a guided tour:-
The spa bath, for all your parasite removing needs. Fits two comfortably, three at a push and four if you want to get really down and cosy with your friends
The roosting bench. A smooth and soft seating area, wide enough for the biggest of chicken tushes. Sit and relax in the sun. Read a book. Knit a sweater. Or simply doze in comfort without fear of falling off.
The Woodlands. Get back to nature and ramble in the undergrowth of the eucalyptus. Grub for, er, grubs in the roots. Instant shade from the sun and a handy preening area for those inclement English showers
Camping For Fun! The gazebo area offers privacy and shade all year round. Cool in the summer, frost free in the winter. (Warning - no barbacues)
Eat 'n' Go food bar. Dangle cabbages, apples, clumps of dandelions from this novelty shrub
and exercise whilst eating. The pounds won't pile on with this handy little feature
The Long Run - ever felt like a good gallop but lacked the space? This run will let you get up enough steam to keep those thighs trim. Combined with the Eat 'n' Go bar, this stretch of ground competes with the best track and field keep-fit facilities in the country, nay the world.
The Lounge - root around until your heart's content in this deep bark scratching heaven. Pile all the chippings up in a heap, then spread 'em out again. The entertainment is endless.
And all surrounded by willow trellis, offering the ultimate in safety and beauty. (Landscaping to be completed by the end of the year, terms and conditions apply).
Good, innit??
Monday, 30 March 2009
Ground Force Part 2
We make a good team, Andy and I! Yesterday morning, the back garden/ chicken run plan took a great leap forward. Enthusiasm, compromise and no tea and cake until the first part of the fence was up were the order of the day.
This is how 'Team ANDYNISE' worked: (note my cunning wordplay in combining our names and making us sound like a brand of drain cleaner)
1) I took Andy a cup of tea in bed and shoved my artfully drawn plan for the back garden under his nose. He grunted approval (or is he catching a cold?) and made one or two suggestions which I agreed/ disagreed with but (and here is the trick ladies) I didn't tell him which was which!
2) we had breakfast and decided where to make our purchases. B & Q was out because there is never any sense of briskness at the tills and we were keen to get on (well, I was, and Andy got SWEPT up in my enthusiasm!), Homebase was out because I get easily distracted by their fluffy cushions and wallpaper with big flowers on it, so we went to Wickes because you can go in, get what you want and get out quick no probs.
3) In Wickes, Andy blatantly disregarded the sign that said 'PULL THE TROLLEYS, DON'T PUSH THEM OR THEY'LL GO ALL WIBBLY-WOBBLY' and did some wild, wibbly-wobbly pushing. I said 'It says to pull the trolleys' and he gave me a bit of look that said 'Back down,' so I did. We walked past the display which was selling bark chippings on a 'buy 3 for less' offer. Andy saw the look in my eye that suggested I might load his trolley immediately with many large and heavy bags of bark chippings and he said 'We'll get those on the way out.' I tried not to look too crestfallen.
4) We looked at various styles of fencing and wire mesh and posts and spiky post holders. We shared ideas about what we should buy which basically meant that I put random stuff on the trolley and Andy took it off and put on the stuff we REALLY needed. We ended up with 3 willow trellises, one fence post, one spiky fence post holder and six bags of bark chippings.
5) we discovered that not all our purchases would go in the car in one hit. Andy took the bark chippings, post and spikey post holder home and left me to guard the three willow trellises in the carpark. I while away the 20 minutes he is gone by glaring at people who park in the disabled bays with my best 'You-are-clearly-not-disabled' look. Andy returns, we put the trellises in the car and travel home with the trellises banging me in the back of the head.
6) we are on a roll now! Out come hammers and nails, digging implements and chickens. I dig the whole side of the garden that will be the long part of the chicken run, the chickens diving for worms as I go. I remove the remains of old shrub roots because I will not be beaten by lumps of bark. Andy nails the three willow trellises together and digs a hole to start off the process of banging in the spiky fence post holder/ fence post combo. I even see him using a tape measure rather than his usual 'Oh, it'll go there, that looks about right,' method. (Which can sometimes be around 6 man inches out).
7) Andy proceeds to bang the fence post into the ground using a rubber mallet. This is ineffectual and our neighbour agrees because he leans over the fence to offer the use of his huge metal sledgehammer. Gggggrrrrrhhh!!!!!! Proper man stuff!! Far more effective and even more so when Andy climbs onto a garden chair so he is above the six foot pole and can really give it a good whack!
8) Andy opens the bags of bark chippings and we cover the apex of the garden with them. Instant neat garden! We are a bit concerned as the bark chippings smell peculiar, sort of creosotey. Andy checks the packaging. 'It says they are safe for children's play areas,' he says. 'Who cares about kids?' I say. 'These are our chickens we're talking about.' We spread the chippings and pray for 4 live chickens in the morning. And now the hens have a big scratchy, barky ,behind-some-lovely- willow- trellis play area!! We stand back and admire our handiwork. Andy builds the hens a little roosting bench in the sunshine. The one shrub I can't get out of the ground will be handy for hanging cabbages and CD's on for chicken entertainment. We decide to abandon our plans to build the rest of the run from posts and galvanised green steel netting. We like the willow trellis so we're going to use more of that instead. It will be aesthetically pleasing.
We spend the rest of the day pausing periodically to admire our labours and say how lovely the garden is starting to look and aren't we dynamic? (whilst at the same time trying not to sound too smug). We are a good team, Andy and I.
This is how 'Team ANDYNISE' worked: (note my cunning wordplay in combining our names and making us sound like a brand of drain cleaner)
1) I took Andy a cup of tea in bed and shoved my artfully drawn plan for the back garden under his nose. He grunted approval (or is he catching a cold?) and made one or two suggestions which I agreed/ disagreed with but (and here is the trick ladies) I didn't tell him which was which!
2) we had breakfast and decided where to make our purchases. B & Q was out because there is never any sense of briskness at the tills and we were keen to get on (well, I was, and Andy got SWEPT up in my enthusiasm!), Homebase was out because I get easily distracted by their fluffy cushions and wallpaper with big flowers on it, so we went to Wickes because you can go in, get what you want and get out quick no probs.
3) In Wickes, Andy blatantly disregarded the sign that said 'PULL THE TROLLEYS, DON'T PUSH THEM OR THEY'LL GO ALL WIBBLY-WOBBLY' and did some wild, wibbly-wobbly pushing. I said 'It says to pull the trolleys' and he gave me a bit of look that said 'Back down,' so I did. We walked past the display which was selling bark chippings on a 'buy 3 for less' offer. Andy saw the look in my eye that suggested I might load his trolley immediately with many large and heavy bags of bark chippings and he said 'We'll get those on the way out.' I tried not to look too crestfallen.
4) We looked at various styles of fencing and wire mesh and posts and spiky post holders. We shared ideas about what we should buy which basically meant that I put random stuff on the trolley and Andy took it off and put on the stuff we REALLY needed. We ended up with 3 willow trellises, one fence post, one spiky fence post holder and six bags of bark chippings.
5) we discovered that not all our purchases would go in the car in one hit. Andy took the bark chippings, post and spikey post holder home and left me to guard the three willow trellises in the carpark. I while away the 20 minutes he is gone by glaring at people who park in the disabled bays with my best 'You-are-clearly-not-disabled' look. Andy returns, we put the trellises in the car and travel home with the trellises banging me in the back of the head.
6) we are on a roll now! Out come hammers and nails, digging implements and chickens. I dig the whole side of the garden that will be the long part of the chicken run, the chickens diving for worms as I go. I remove the remains of old shrub roots because I will not be beaten by lumps of bark. Andy nails the three willow trellises together and digs a hole to start off the process of banging in the spiky fence post holder/ fence post combo. I even see him using a tape measure rather than his usual 'Oh, it'll go there, that looks about right,' method. (Which can sometimes be around 6 man inches out).
7) Andy proceeds to bang the fence post into the ground using a rubber mallet. This is ineffectual and our neighbour agrees because he leans over the fence to offer the use of his huge metal sledgehammer. Gggggrrrrrhhh!!!!!! Proper man stuff!! Far more effective and even more so when Andy climbs onto a garden chair so he is above the six foot pole and can really give it a good whack!
8) Andy opens the bags of bark chippings and we cover the apex of the garden with them. Instant neat garden! We are a bit concerned as the bark chippings smell peculiar, sort of creosotey. Andy checks the packaging. 'It says they are safe for children's play areas,' he says. 'Who cares about kids?' I say. 'These are our chickens we're talking about.' We spread the chippings and pray for 4 live chickens in the morning. And now the hens have a big scratchy, barky ,behind-some-lovely- willow- trellis play area!! We stand back and admire our handiwork. Andy builds the hens a little roosting bench in the sunshine. The one shrub I can't get out of the ground will be handy for hanging cabbages and CD's on for chicken entertainment. We decide to abandon our plans to build the rest of the run from posts and galvanised green steel netting. We like the willow trellis so we're going to use more of that instead. It will be aesthetically pleasing.
We spend the rest of the day pausing periodically to admire our labours and say how lovely the garden is starting to look and aren't we dynamic? (whilst at the same time trying not to sound too smug). We are a good team, Andy and I.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Ground Force
Here's the plan:
1) the back garden is a MESS! It needs SORTING and it need sorting NOW! This I have decided after a sleepless night worrying about the back garden
2)the top triangle bit of garden and a 5 foot width strip running the full length of the garden on the side with the new, invincible fence shall be cordoned off with a range of fencing (willow being the current favourite). This shall be known as 'The Chicken Run' and is where the chickens can run, roost, scuff up the ground, dust bath, play poker, do aerobics and mud wrestle. The Chicken Run shall contain a dust bath, roosting perches, a bark chipping play area and cabbages swinging from the eucalyptus tree for the entertainment of the chickens
3) the fence currently separating the drive from the greenhouse will be moved DOWN the driveway thus creating a seating area for the garden table, two chairs and two benches. Denise shall then pressure clean the chicken poo from the aforesaid garden furniture, buff, polish and re-stain it to its former pre-chicken poo glory and place it in the new seating area which shall be then surrounded with some of the many beautiful plants that are growing in the greenhouse. Denise shall fill tubs and baskets and drape a wisteria over a pergola to create a lovely area for summer evening relaxation. This area shall also have the advantage of being away from the area where the next-door neighbours sit and chain smoke all summer and we shall avoid breathing in their stinky tobacco habit ourselves
4) the patio currently crowded with the garden furniture shall then be free to become 'Growing Facility Number 6' and house some of the 72 tomato plants that have managed to germinate. The patio may even be re-laid so it doesn't look quite so lumpy bumpy (but this will depend on the financial considerations)
5) the non-chicken run side of the garden will be covered with a variety of shapes and sizes of raised beds for growing vegetables and salads which can be gardened in peace and safety from chicken interference. The chickens may look whistfully at the raised beds from their side of the garden and rattle tin mugs along their fencing if they so wish but it will make no difference to the hard-hearted prison warder until she releases chickens in late autumn to clear the used beds for her and turn them over before winter.
6) the hops (which are now 7 inches high and looking v. lush) will be released from their chicken protection and trailed artfully over the swing bench which itself shall be raised on some nice paving slabs. The swing bench will become like a sleepy bower where Andy can rest his Bottom and Denise can prance around in a diaphanous gown like a Tit(ania).
7) the paths between the raised beds shall be sprinkled with gravel, unless the local cats decide to use it as their toilet facility in which case the paths shall be re-sprinkled with holly sprigs and sharp twigs
8) the garden will then look more like a nice cottage garden and less like the aftermath of the Battle of the Somme and Denise's mother will no longer have to bite her tongue over the state of it
9) we might even get the barbecue out again. And install a beehive.
10) Denise shall have no more sleepless nights worrying about the state of the back garden
That's the plan.
1) the back garden is a MESS! It needs SORTING and it need sorting NOW! This I have decided after a sleepless night worrying about the back garden
2)the top triangle bit of garden and a 5 foot width strip running the full length of the garden on the side with the new, invincible fence shall be cordoned off with a range of fencing (willow being the current favourite). This shall be known as 'The Chicken Run' and is where the chickens can run, roost, scuff up the ground, dust bath, play poker, do aerobics and mud wrestle. The Chicken Run shall contain a dust bath, roosting perches, a bark chipping play area and cabbages swinging from the eucalyptus tree for the entertainment of the chickens
3) the fence currently separating the drive from the greenhouse will be moved DOWN the driveway thus creating a seating area for the garden table, two chairs and two benches. Denise shall then pressure clean the chicken poo from the aforesaid garden furniture, buff, polish and re-stain it to its former pre-chicken poo glory and place it in the new seating area which shall be then surrounded with some of the many beautiful plants that are growing in the greenhouse. Denise shall fill tubs and baskets and drape a wisteria over a pergola to create a lovely area for summer evening relaxation. This area shall also have the advantage of being away from the area where the next-door neighbours sit and chain smoke all summer and we shall avoid breathing in their stinky tobacco habit ourselves
4) the patio currently crowded with the garden furniture shall then be free to become 'Growing Facility Number 6' and house some of the 72 tomato plants that have managed to germinate. The patio may even be re-laid so it doesn't look quite so lumpy bumpy (but this will depend on the financial considerations)
5) the non-chicken run side of the garden will be covered with a variety of shapes and sizes of raised beds for growing vegetables and salads which can be gardened in peace and safety from chicken interference. The chickens may look whistfully at the raised beds from their side of the garden and rattle tin mugs along their fencing if they so wish but it will make no difference to the hard-hearted prison warder until she releases chickens in late autumn to clear the used beds for her and turn them over before winter.
6) the hops (which are now 7 inches high and looking v. lush) will be released from their chicken protection and trailed artfully over the swing bench which itself shall be raised on some nice paving slabs. The swing bench will become like a sleepy bower where Andy can rest his Bottom and Denise can prance around in a diaphanous gown like a Tit(ania).
7) the paths between the raised beds shall be sprinkled with gravel, unless the local cats decide to use it as their toilet facility in which case the paths shall be re-sprinkled with holly sprigs and sharp twigs
8) the garden will then look more like a nice cottage garden and less like the aftermath of the Battle of the Somme and Denise's mother will no longer have to bite her tongue over the state of it
9) we might even get the barbecue out again. And install a beehive.
10) Denise shall have no more sleepless nights worrying about the state of the back garden
That's the plan.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)