And now Mrs Miggins has a scraped bottom. Don't know the whys, hows or wherefores but I do know that Mrs Poo finds it fascinating in a let's keep pecking it kind of way. So this morning, at 6.30, it was into the gardens of Cluckinghen Palace, grab Miggo, upend Miggo, bathe Miggo, anto-biotic Miggo, spray Miggo with gentian violet and anti-peck spray and then rig up a temporary fence to separate her from Poo whilst scraped bottom calms down and no longer looks like a tempting hors d'oevres.
Two purple panted chickens and one stubbly mad chicken. I am beginning to feel like a bad chicken owner.
Anyway, with Mrs Miggins segregated and sunflower seeds and greenery scattered generously on both sides of the partition, Andy went to work and I went swimming. On my return, I find three chickens on one side of the partition and no chickens on the other. Mrs Poo has a purple beak. I have no idea how Miggo got in with the others. There is no sign of fence wreakage or holes dug under fences or suspicious looking ladders.
'You've been pecking Mrs Miggins, haven't you?' I say, crossly.
'How can you tell?' says Poo
So I sit in the garden and observe to see if it is safe to allow them to stay altogether. I start doing chicken algebra.
Take a = Miggo, b=Pumphrey c=Poo and d= Slocombe. Pecking order factor 1=top, 2=bottom 3=minds their own business. Risk mix factor is x= good, y=tolerable z= disaster on a stick. Thus a3+b3= x. c1+d2= y and b3+ d2= z. a3+b3 divided by c1 minus d2 seemed to be working okay until incident bs (bottom scrape) but now carries risk factor y/z potential.
P=partition. So, if p is entered into the equation, potentially d2 could be re-integrated and z adverted if my theory that a3+b3 balances out c1+d2 is correct. 3+3=6. 1+2=3. So z=x divided by 2 (or half or 50%). Or is it double, not half?
Aaaaarrgghhhh!!! These chickens are doing my head in. Mrs Miggins isn't helping matters by presenting her bottom to Mrs Poo.
'Look!' she says. 'I have purple pants, too.'
Luckily, no blood has been drawn.
And I found a dead sparrow by the front door. What's all that about?
Meanwhile, Guy has arrived to do the fence for the courtyard garden as it is now pretentiously known. There is much drilling and banging going on. I'm expecting a call for tea in a moment but am being guided by the hammering and when it starts flagging I'll put the kettle on. I'm not having tea. I've decided, after 43 years, to take up alcohol. And possible smoking, too.
I've started a list of names for our bees when we get them. I thought I'd get a head start because there will be about 50,000 of them. So far I have the following:
1) Bee One, Cos I'm One Too
2)Bee Two Bee Do Bee Do
3)Bee Three, As Three as a Bird
4)Bee Four You Say Goodbye
5) Bee F'ive Got a Crush on You
Pass the gin and in the words of Blackadder, you'll find me standing on a bucket with a frog pinned to my lapel, saying 'bibble' in the Venetian fashion.
Showing posts with label fences. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fences. Show all posts
Friday, 22 May 2009
Monday, 30 March 2009
Ground Force Part 2
We make a good team, Andy and I! Yesterday morning, the back garden/ chicken run plan took a great leap forward. Enthusiasm, compromise and no tea and cake until the first part of the fence was up were the order of the day.
This is how 'Team ANDYNISE' worked: (note my cunning wordplay in combining our names and making us sound like a brand of drain cleaner)
1) I took Andy a cup of tea in bed and shoved my artfully drawn plan for the back garden under his nose. He grunted approval (or is he catching a cold?) and made one or two suggestions which I agreed/ disagreed with but (and here is the trick ladies) I didn't tell him which was which!
2) we had breakfast and decided where to make our purchases. B & Q was out because there is never any sense of briskness at the tills and we were keen to get on (well, I was, and Andy got SWEPT up in my enthusiasm!), Homebase was out because I get easily distracted by their fluffy cushions and wallpaper with big flowers on it, so we went to Wickes because you can go in, get what you want and get out quick no probs.
3) In Wickes, Andy blatantly disregarded the sign that said 'PULL THE TROLLEYS, DON'T PUSH THEM OR THEY'LL GO ALL WIBBLY-WOBBLY' and did some wild, wibbly-wobbly pushing. I said 'It says to pull the trolleys' and he gave me a bit of look that said 'Back down,' so I did. We walked past the display which was selling bark chippings on a 'buy 3 for less' offer. Andy saw the look in my eye that suggested I might load his trolley immediately with many large and heavy bags of bark chippings and he said 'We'll get those on the way out.' I tried not to look too crestfallen.
4) We looked at various styles of fencing and wire mesh and posts and spiky post holders. We shared ideas about what we should buy which basically meant that I put random stuff on the trolley and Andy took it off and put on the stuff we REALLY needed. We ended up with 3 willow trellises, one fence post, one spiky fence post holder and six bags of bark chippings.
5) we discovered that not all our purchases would go in the car in one hit. Andy took the bark chippings, post and spikey post holder home and left me to guard the three willow trellises in the carpark. I while away the 20 minutes he is gone by glaring at people who park in the disabled bays with my best 'You-are-clearly-not-disabled' look. Andy returns, we put the trellises in the car and travel home with the trellises banging me in the back of the head.
6) we are on a roll now! Out come hammers and nails, digging implements and chickens. I dig the whole side of the garden that will be the long part of the chicken run, the chickens diving for worms as I go. I remove the remains of old shrub roots because I will not be beaten by lumps of bark. Andy nails the three willow trellises together and digs a hole to start off the process of banging in the spiky fence post holder/ fence post combo. I even see him using a tape measure rather than his usual 'Oh, it'll go there, that looks about right,' method. (Which can sometimes be around 6 man inches out).
7) Andy proceeds to bang the fence post into the ground using a rubber mallet. This is ineffectual and our neighbour agrees because he leans over the fence to offer the use of his huge metal sledgehammer. Gggggrrrrrhhh!!!!!! Proper man stuff!! Far more effective and even more so when Andy climbs onto a garden chair so he is above the six foot pole and can really give it a good whack!
8) Andy opens the bags of bark chippings and we cover the apex of the garden with them. Instant neat garden! We are a bit concerned as the bark chippings smell peculiar, sort of creosotey. Andy checks the packaging. 'It says they are safe for children's play areas,' he says. 'Who cares about kids?' I say. 'These are our chickens we're talking about.' We spread the chippings and pray for 4 live chickens in the morning. And now the hens have a big scratchy, barky ,behind-some-lovely- willow- trellis play area!! We stand back and admire our handiwork. Andy builds the hens a little roosting bench in the sunshine. The one shrub I can't get out of the ground will be handy for hanging cabbages and CD's on for chicken entertainment. We decide to abandon our plans to build the rest of the run from posts and galvanised green steel netting. We like the willow trellis so we're going to use more of that instead. It will be aesthetically pleasing.
We spend the rest of the day pausing periodically to admire our labours and say how lovely the garden is starting to look and aren't we dynamic? (whilst at the same time trying not to sound too smug). We are a good team, Andy and I.
This is how 'Team ANDYNISE' worked: (note my cunning wordplay in combining our names and making us sound like a brand of drain cleaner)
1) I took Andy a cup of tea in bed and shoved my artfully drawn plan for the back garden under his nose. He grunted approval (or is he catching a cold?) and made one or two suggestions which I agreed/ disagreed with but (and here is the trick ladies) I didn't tell him which was which!
2) we had breakfast and decided where to make our purchases. B & Q was out because there is never any sense of briskness at the tills and we were keen to get on (well, I was, and Andy got SWEPT up in my enthusiasm!), Homebase was out because I get easily distracted by their fluffy cushions and wallpaper with big flowers on it, so we went to Wickes because you can go in, get what you want and get out quick no probs.
3) In Wickes, Andy blatantly disregarded the sign that said 'PULL THE TROLLEYS, DON'T PUSH THEM OR THEY'LL GO ALL WIBBLY-WOBBLY' and did some wild, wibbly-wobbly pushing. I said 'It says to pull the trolleys' and he gave me a bit of look that said 'Back down,' so I did. We walked past the display which was selling bark chippings on a 'buy 3 for less' offer. Andy saw the look in my eye that suggested I might load his trolley immediately with many large and heavy bags of bark chippings and he said 'We'll get those on the way out.' I tried not to look too crestfallen.
4) We looked at various styles of fencing and wire mesh and posts and spiky post holders. We shared ideas about what we should buy which basically meant that I put random stuff on the trolley and Andy took it off and put on the stuff we REALLY needed. We ended up with 3 willow trellises, one fence post, one spiky fence post holder and six bags of bark chippings.
5) we discovered that not all our purchases would go in the car in one hit. Andy took the bark chippings, post and spikey post holder home and left me to guard the three willow trellises in the carpark. I while away the 20 minutes he is gone by glaring at people who park in the disabled bays with my best 'You-are-clearly-not-disabled' look. Andy returns, we put the trellises in the car and travel home with the trellises banging me in the back of the head.
6) we are on a roll now! Out come hammers and nails, digging implements and chickens. I dig the whole side of the garden that will be the long part of the chicken run, the chickens diving for worms as I go. I remove the remains of old shrub roots because I will not be beaten by lumps of bark. Andy nails the three willow trellises together and digs a hole to start off the process of banging in the spiky fence post holder/ fence post combo. I even see him using a tape measure rather than his usual 'Oh, it'll go there, that looks about right,' method. (Which can sometimes be around 6 man inches out).
7) Andy proceeds to bang the fence post into the ground using a rubber mallet. This is ineffectual and our neighbour agrees because he leans over the fence to offer the use of his huge metal sledgehammer. Gggggrrrrrhhh!!!!!! Proper man stuff!! Far more effective and even more so when Andy climbs onto a garden chair so he is above the six foot pole and can really give it a good whack!
8) Andy opens the bags of bark chippings and we cover the apex of the garden with them. Instant neat garden! We are a bit concerned as the bark chippings smell peculiar, sort of creosotey. Andy checks the packaging. 'It says they are safe for children's play areas,' he says. 'Who cares about kids?' I say. 'These are our chickens we're talking about.' We spread the chippings and pray for 4 live chickens in the morning. And now the hens have a big scratchy, barky ,behind-some-lovely- willow- trellis play area!! We stand back and admire our handiwork. Andy builds the hens a little roosting bench in the sunshine. The one shrub I can't get out of the ground will be handy for hanging cabbages and CD's on for chicken entertainment. We decide to abandon our plans to build the rest of the run from posts and galvanised green steel netting. We like the willow trellis so we're going to use more of that instead. It will be aesthetically pleasing.
We spend the rest of the day pausing periodically to admire our labours and say how lovely the garden is starting to look and aren't we dynamic? (whilst at the same time trying not to sound too smug). We are a good team, Andy and I.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)