For Heather - news from the Homeland

My darling daughter, who is currently in her final year at university in Norwich, informs me by e-mail today that she reads my blog on a regular basis as it keeps her in touch with what's happening in Kent. Alarming news, I think, because now she thinks that Kent has become over run with chickens filming perfume commercials and reading Proust whilst her mad grandmother runs around electrical ware shops inserting bread sized bits of cardboard in toasters to check for fit.

So, in order to rectify this gross misrepresentation of Kentish goings on, here is today's news from the 'Garden of England'. (Fact or fiction? Who knows? Who cares??)

Ahem...politics - Barack Obama and John McCain continue to hide out in one of the many Fremlin Walk coffee shops until it's all over bar the shouting in the USA. Whilst able to splash out on a skinny latte each, they go halves on a blueberry muffin due to the current dollar/ pound exchange rate and the fact that McCain has many sub-prime interests in the muffin industry and is expecting a run on the bagel market any moment.

...entertainment - Russell Brand seen working behind the counter in the Body Shop. 'Try my latest range of men's toiletries,' he says. 'It's called Brand Gnu and is based on the aromas of the North American buffalo plains.' Buy One Get One Free? 'Not likely', says Brand, 'I need all the cash I can get.'
- Alan Carr says he will never return to the County Town of his birth following his recent outburst against the good and tolerant townsfolk. 'Good!' shout Maidstone residents. 'We don't want you here anyway, you goofy-toothed, squiffy four-eyed Nancy Jim.'

....food and drink - there is still food and drink in Maidstone. I made a chocolate chip and banana cake this morning and am currently weighing up the moral and ethical dilemmas of ordering one of those birds in a bird in another bird all inside a bird confections for Christmas dinner. Andy has several bottles of homemade wine now and the house smells like a brewery. It's good stuff, apparently. I haven't tried it myself; I'm very keen to preserve my eyesight.

....literature - Ginnungagaps, the latest phenomenon in children's fiction, is complete and hot for publication. Its celebrated author is currently working on her next book, Nearly King Jimbo, and has started mass production of Ginnungagaps merchandise, including soft toy Limonquills with risk assessed fangs. Andy is working on a new sausage recipe called 'Ronnie's Best from Gizzard and Gullet.'
- local schools continue to close their libraries in favour of students downloading books and having them read to them in 'virtual learning stations'. Does this mean they will be learning virtually... but not quite? Will students' eyes gradually sink back into their heads through lack of use? Join us in a debate at the bandstand in Brenchley Gardens. Bring your own drugs. Goth and emo-wear optional.

...the weather - is wet. And grey. And foggy in places. But at least it doesn't smell of cabbage like Norfolk (That last bit is from Andy - nothing to do with me, I like Norfolk, especially the pigs in fields.)

...and finally - some moron in a van has parked across the driveway. Local woman goes mental and causes a scene in the street where people point and stare and say 'She's a literary genius, she's allowed to behave like that. It's her artistic temperament, you know.'

And that is the news. For now.