Mother said...

There are many words and phrases you don't expect to hear in conversation with your mother and nipple tassles is one of them. During the post-swim hot chocolate/ shortbread break today, Mum suddenly announces in the middle of our conversation about making buns for last week's Children in Need day, that she was appalled to discover you could buy nipple tassles in British Home Stores.

'I was in the middle of pyjamas and there they were, amidst all the Christmas tat,' she says. 'Ah well, there you go. Christmas tat is your key phrase there, Mum,' I say. 'Even so,' she says. 'There was other stuff there, too, of a personal nature, and I thought why do people need this stuff? And what's more to the point, what has happened to British Home Stores that they would want to stock nipple tassles in the first place?' I prepare to block my ears in case Mum decides to elucidate me on the other 'personal items' available, but luckily she doesn't. I suspect they include chocolate willies and Santa gnomes who drop their trousers. We discuss the menopause instead and then go to HobbyCraft to get some 12mm knitting needles.

HobbyCraft is full of everything you'd ever need to make anything craft related you'd ever want. All Mum wants is gi-normous knitting needles because she wants to knit a bodywarmer in as short a time as possible. The needles she finds are the size of broomstick handles so I expect her to be in possession of her new bodywarmer by 7.30 this evening at the latest. During our trip I find out that she also made some flapjacks for Children in Need, had sold her miniature fibre optic Christmas tree at a boot fair and I am not to waste money on a present for her this year because she knows I am on a budget, poor penniless writer that I am. We have this conversation every year. I say 'What would you like for Christmas, Mum?' and she says 'Oh, don't spend your money on me, love,' and I say 'You may as well give me a few ideas because I'm going to get you something and I'd rather get you something that you would like rather than some old tat from, say, British Home Stores.' And then she gives me a few modest ideas like socks, or jam, or a DVD of the original 'Scrooge', you know the proper one with Alistair Sims and I buy her all the above and something else as well.

However, I've already got her present so her protestations are pointless. Rest assured though, her gift this year is NOT from British Home Stores!

On a hen related note, Mrs Miggins has finished moulting and today started laying again. There was a bit of a queue outside the nest box. Miggins was in first after doing considerable nest building (what's the matter, Miggo - shredded paper not good enough any more?? 'No actually,' says Mrs Miggins. 'And it's Mrs Miggo to you.') Mrs Slocombe was in there straight after and came out yelling and kicking up a fuss. 'What's the matter?' I ask. 'There is an EGG in the nest box and I can't possible lay MY EGG whilst the OTHER EGG is there. Kindly remove it NOW!' So I did and she popped in and laid hers.

I wonder if BHS sell nest boxes........