Things that have annoyed me this week

Considering I don't get out much now that I am a writer and work from home, I have found an enormous amount of things to get annoyed about this week, probably because the Jeremy Vine Show has become regular listening in the mornings as I work and I've slipped back into the habit of becoming a Daily Mail reader. As it's Friday and another weekend looms I feel the urge to vent my spleen now so Andy doesn't find himself on the receiving end of a wild ranting woman for the entirety of his ensuing week's holiday. So here goes - are you ready?? Gin and sedatives to hand? Good - you're going to need them.

1) Pensioners abroad. Apparently the pound is very weak against the euro at the moment and British ex-pats are moaning that their pensions aren't worth very much and the British government should subsidise their income. WHAT???? ARE YOU HAVING A LAUGH??? You chose to move abroad to enjoy the benefits of cheaper living and so-called better weather so GET OVER IT! Talk about wanting your cake and eat it. PAH! And even more PAH! when I discovered that pensioners who got the winter fuel allowance before they moved abroad still get it even though they are no longer in this country. Shame on you...

2) Human rights - this week it was revealed that the bloke who was found guilty of kidnapping and imprisoning Shannon Matthews has had his jaw broken in prison in a so-called 'revenge' attack by other prisoners. Radio 4 had a phone in about this and an ex-convict called and spoke with pride and justification in his voice about some 'revenge' he had exacted on a child abuser when he was in prison 'on behalf of the child victim.' WHAT??? Did you know this child victim or their family? Did you know that they wanted this attack to happen?? He seemed genuinely pleased he was able to perform this revenge attack 'for the family' and that this kind of behaviour is rife in our prisons and should be accepted 'additional' punishment for certain offenders. I think he was missing a salient point which I feel I need to point out to him...YOU WERE IN PRISON FOR A CRIME, YOU MORON. YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. GET OVER YOURSELF. YOU DID WRONG AND DON'T YOU DARE THINK OTHERWISE. PAH!!

3) In the local paper today there was an article about a school who were told they were no longer welcome in a Christmas Celebration concert because the carols they were due to sing were 'too religious.' WHAT?? CHRISTMAS IS A CHRISTIAN FESTIVAL. CAROLS ARE CHRISTIAN HYMNS SUNG TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS. YOU DO THE MATHS!

4) And I'm not even going to begin to get started on these stupid teen-gangs that are running riot on council estates in London and Manchester - YOU LOOK LIKE IDIOTS - STOP IT! - or Nigella and wearing a bear fur -SHE WAS JOKING - TAKE IT IN CONTEXT! - or the fact that despite there having been a 3% cut in interest rates in the last 3 months, the Alliance and Leicester have chosen to pass on only 1.3% of that to us reliable mortgage customers even though we have a tracker mortgage (apparently our tracker is tracking the base rate set by the A & L and not the base rate of the Bank of England - oh, I see, that's all right then. Silly me.) Or...

'Oi!' shouts Mrs Miggins. 'Tell them about the record egg week.'

Oh yes. On a more upbeat note, it has been a record week for eggs. So far the girls have laid 18 in the past 6 days!! Laying hasn't finished for today yet and with tomorrow still to count there is potential for 2 dozen. 'Oi!' shouts Mrs Miggins,'steady on.'

What little stars they are! And the house looked enormously pretty this morning, laced as it was with heavily frosted cobwebs. Instant Christmas decorations! In fact, I think the inside decorations may well go up this week. Deck the Halls and all that.

Before I go (I have writing and baking to do today), I have to say I'm a little concerned about one of Heather's house mates whom I met on Saturday. His name is Elliot and despite his trying to set fire to their house barely a month after moving in he seems a very nice young man. No obvious piercings, tattoos or psychotic tendencies which is always a good sign, I think. However, he does like Britney Spears - a little too much if I understand correctly. Elliot, listen to me - stand back from Britney. She's a bit bonkers isn't she? A bit, well, scruffy. She ain't no good, man! Can I suggest that lovely Catherine Jenkins? Now she can hold a tune and she's got lovely hair. A much more sophisticated role model for a performing arts student than someone who sounds like an alcopop. Just a thought.