Doctor Whom??

Andy showed only mild signs of irritation last night when people kept bobbing in front of the telly during the 'We're going to reveal the new Doctor TONIGHT!' programme. I thought this was very good of him given how much of his existence centres around Doctor Who but he is also a very kind and patient person and there's always BBC i-Player isn't there? (Is that what it's called? I'm never sure about these things.)

Any who, it was hype, hype, hype all the way through Christmas and into the New Year. Who will be the new Doctor? David Walliams? Too camp. David Morrisey? Too pudgy. David Cameron? Too Tory. Do we have to choose someone called David? Nah, let's try another name. Jeremy. Now there's a Doctor Who name if ever I heard one. Jeremy Vine? Too clever. Jeremy Fisher? Too froggy. Jeremy Beadle. Too dead.

Okay, what about someone really, really famous. Like...er, Michael Parkinson. Or George Clooney. He'd pull the ladies in. What about Victoria Wood? She'd be great! What? No ladies allowed. Why? Wouldn't understand the sonic screwdriver. Okay, yes good point. And she'd probably want a cat as a companion. Called Feel-ine. And that would never work.

Okay, what about Basil Brush. Suave, witty, good with kids yet with enough double entendre to entertain the adults. too. What do you mean he isn't real? Of course he's real. You'll be telling me that the Clangers aren't in charge of the government space programme next.

So who did they choose? Who did the writer, Steven Moffat pick to be the 11th Doctor (see, I know that much!). Someone young. Daniel Radcliffe? No. Someone who manages to look young yet old at the same time. DAME EDNA EVERAGE!!! (I've reached fever pitch at this point. Can you tell???) Andy tuts. 'It'll be that guy from doo-da,' he says. I have no idea what he's talking about but the cheese on my jacket potato is very lovely. It's a strong cheddar with onions in it and it's crumbly and....

'Oh,' says Andy. I can tell he's disappointed. In the brief moment I looked at my cheese, the new Doctor is flashed onto the screen without so much as a toot or a whistle. He looks like a potato, actually. With massive hair. Unkempt hair. 'Who is that?' I ask. 'Matt Smith,' says Andy. 'Matt Who?' I ask. 'No,' says Andy. 'Doctor Who.'