Rock- a- bye Andy

Ask Andy how he slept last night. Go on. He'll say 'Ooh, not very well/ badly/ awful,' and such has been the case since I first met him over seven years ago now. He professes to be a poor sleeper. I say he sleeps very well. He has the amazing ability to sleep at all sorts of odd angles on the sofa/floor/at work and at the strangest of times (8.32, 11.11, 1.56, 9.19). He merely has erratic sleeping habits and that's what's given him what our GP has termed T.A.T.T syndrome (Tired All The Time). (And you can stop rolling your eyes at me, dearest. You know this to be the truth and you know you won't win the argument. So shush!)

In an attempt to re-balance his sleeping patterns I purchased Paul McKenna's latest mind suggestion tome 'I Can Make You Sleep.' It's being serialised in the Daily Mail this week and you can send away for the book and CD for £10.99 but as I am not in the habit of paying full price for anything if I can help it, a quick hike into town procures us a copy for £5.49. Hurrah! I present it to Andy when he gets home from work. I can see he is thrilled with this gift. We quickly dispense with the jokes about how it will work - 'Shall I hit you with it repeatedly until you lose consciousness,' and 'It's probably so dull you'll fall asleep from sheer boredom,' and Andy settles down to read it. He then transfers the CD to his phone and so the process begins.

I am very impressed with Andy's resolve to follow Paul's advice. We've already got 'I Can Make You Thin' and Paul's advice is oft repeated when we treat ourselves to, for example, fish and chips. 'Paul's telling me to stop eating now because I'm beginning to feel full.' 'Shall I take your plate away then?' 'No way! I reckon if I chew loud enough I can drown out the sound of Paul's voice.' Still, the thoughts are there and if you persist, certain things do stick in your brain in a subliminal way. When I listen to the CD I rarely hear half of it because I doze off, only to wake to the sound of Paul saying 'and three, two, one, you're back in the room.' I just hope I don't find that I've been indoctrinated into voting Labour next General Election.

Part of the sleep process is to avoid caffeine after 2 p.m. Now, Andy likes his tea and coffee. He'll never turn down the offer of a cuppa, and spends much of the weekend saying 'Do you want a cup of tea?' , putting the kettle on then wandering off to do something else. So I am impressed that he hasn't been having his tea in the evenings. Admittedly, he says he makes sure his caffeine stores are good and full before 2 p.m (I imagine his colleagues have no end of fun with him in the afternoons when he's on a coffee-fuelled buzz) but in the evenings he follows La McKenna's instructions to the full. No caffeine, no eating within 3 hours of going to bed, going to bed only when tired, no tv/reading in bed etc. But last night was a bit tricky.

Having avoided caffeine and food and anything that would over-stimulate his brain including watching Eggheads and getting riled at the stupendous arrogance of CJ de Mooi, Andy was winding down for bedtime. And then a friend telephoned just after 9 p.m. I heard his conversation building to an animated buzz. He requested via a series of interesting hand signals for me to bring him a mug of hot chocolate. And when beddy bye time arrived he was in no way sleepy. I tried to help. I simulated a series of exotic yawns: this is something Paul recommends as they are catching (never mind me feeling a complete idiot, then). I engaged him in a gentle game of 'Doctor Who Top Trumps' which I won (this on the premise that if you can't sleep you have to do something boring). I got him to unload his work day worries so he didn't harbour them for 2.30 a.m fretting sessions.

And finally he felt ready to don his earphones and listen as Paul lulled him to sleep with heaven knows what sort of subliminal auto-suggestion.

And me? I was buzzing, me. So it was off to the kitchen for a cheese scone. I could hear it calling me. It was saying 'Paul McKenna says you don't need me, but what does he know? Go on. You know you want to...'