Whoolio Coolio??

I don't have the time or patience to watch reality TV. 'Big Brother', 'I'm a Celebrity...', 'Pop Idol', they all pass me by like a dose of syrup of figs. I like Strictly Come Dancing but I don't count that as reality TV. Don't ask me why - it's my rules okay?

Anyway, checking my e-mail today I noticed on my server's homepage that there is some issue going on with Celebrity Big Brother at the moment involving someone called Coolio. I didn't read the article - I was far too excited about going on to Puffin Post's website to claim my free book (I had to masquerade as a 15 year old fictional person called Phoebe in order to become a member of the Puffin Club because when I tried to register with my own date of birth I discovered I was too old. Too old????Ridiculous! I was a member of the Puffin Club when it existed first time around in 1975 ish - nothing's changed since then. Much...anyway I digress....)

Back to Coolio. What sort of a name is Coolio? Who is Coolio? I thought, I know, I'll ask Tybalt. He's a hip 'n' happening cat, he'll know what occuring with the Coolio.

'Coolio is a rapper,' says Tybalt. He is bent over his laptop working on his latest novel under the pseudonym of Charles Dickens.
'What, like in a warehouse?' I say. That would at least explain his name. Perhaps he works wrapping meat in a coldstore, hence 'Coolio.'
'No,' says Tybalt. 'He's a musician. You know, gettin' on down an' in da house type thing. How do you spell pseudoantidisestablishmentarianism? I can't find it in the spellchecker.'
'Look it up in a proper dictionary,' I say. 'One that spells 'colour' c.o.l.o.u.r and not c.o.l.o.r.' I try desperately not to get involved in any anti- American diatribes even though I'm in the mood for a good diatribe having just returned from town where I nearly met a nasty end at the top of an escalator because two idiot women got off ahead of me then didn't move away to let other people pass by. 'Where do you want to go now?' one of them asked, oblivious of the pile up they were causing. 'BHS or Clinton's?'

I was very good. I didn't tut or swear or even give them a hard stare as I leapt out of the way of certain death, or a nasty twisted ankle at least.

Back to Coolio. How did he come by that name, I wonder? Did he think 'I'm really cool, I am. I am in wiv da kidz. I need a cool name to do ma rappin' from.' And perhaps he had a mate with him as he thought this thought, a mate with baggy trousers, the kind where you wear the crotch somewhere around your knee caps so your pants are showing, a mate with lots of bling and a hat that's not on quite straight. And the mate might have said 'Hey, Aloysius,' (I bet that is Coolie's real name) 'how about calling yourself something like 'cool' but not quite?' And Coolie said 'Hey man, don't like call me Aloysius, coz that's like after da bear in dat Brideshead Revisited crap, innit an' I don't want no fans finkin' I got no teddy bear or nuffin'', and his mate said 'Like that's a double negative, man, so you is saying that you has got a teddy bear innit?' Then I expect there was a bit of a punch up and after the bruises and fat, no hang on, phat (!) lips had gone down they made a list of names that were like 'cool' but not.

And from the list - cooler, coolant, coolish, coulis, couliflower and coolio - they chose the one that made people laugh the least.

Personally I think it was a mistake. And if Mr Coolio wants to get in touch I am more than happy to help him out of his current social shortcomings. And so is Tybalt. He thinks 'Tybalt' is a jolly good name. He's willing to share it. For a price.