The Much Malarkey Manor Guide to Putting Up Christmas Decorations

Christmas Decorating Your Manor

You will need:
Two boxes of decorations accumulated over 25 years or however long it has been since you started 'doing your own Christmas.'
A Christmas tree - real
A Christmas tree - artificial
Several sets of lights, working or otherwise
Hammer and nails
A step ladder
An icy drive/pathway
A kitten
A chocolate snowman like the one left on your pillow this morning by your hubbie before he set off for Cheshire on a course

1) Decide to surprise hubbie by putting up decorations whilst he is away on his course, (something yukky to do with cats and their urinary tracts) so he will return to a veritable winter wonderland surprise of twinkly lights, tinsel, bells and trees

2) Sit on sofa and untangle many sets of lights. You will have needed to prepare carefully for this activity  last Christmas by forgetting your plan to wind light sets carefully around bits of cardboard to prevent them tangling and getting so fed up with Christmas mess that you grab the lights and shovel them back into box willy-nilly, giving them 11 and a half months to tangle themselves. Start untangling process by jiggling in a random fashion. This will not work, but optimists have to try, just in case it does.

3) First set of lights untangled will fail to work. Bin these immediately to prevent you repeating the process next year. Pick up next set and untangle. At around set 4 or 5, you will get fed up with bl***y lights. It is perfectly okay at this point to find a displacement activity like cleaning out chickens, or making a cuppa and listening to Jeremy Vine on the radio.

4) Give remaining lights to daughter to sort out. She's had more sleep than you and besides, she needs to earn her keep some how.

5) Go into garden to retrieve real tree. Defrost tree holder that hubbie left in garden, that then became filled with water from all the rain we've been treated to, then froze into a solid lump last night when we had the first really big frost of the year. Bash tree holder repeatedly on patio to attract chicken interest. Give chickens a lettuce to stop them staring at you like you're mad.

6) Wrestle tree indoors. Forget that pine sap brings you out in a rash, and wear a short sleeved cardi for this activity. Get fed up of trying to wedge tree in holder so it doesn't wobble and fall over. Get distracted into going outside to front of house and putting up twinkly icicle lights.

7) Balance step ladder on very icy pathway, climb step ladder, start bashing random nails into weatherboard. You won't know what you're doing, really, but it looks and sounds good, so is bound to work. Stop and talk to neighbour across the road. Move step ladder, bang in more nails. Hook up lights as you go. Think, 'these had better bloomin' well work; perhaps I should have tested them first.' Talk to man who has come to take away the 'For Sale' board from your front garden, about the appalling state of the housing market and how some buyers really muck you about. Bang in more nails. Wobble on step-ladder a bit. Talk to next door neighbour about how nice it is to see sunshine and heavy frost instead of rain. Finish hanging lights. Step back and feel a bit smug, especially when you switch them on and they look a bit fab.

8) Go back indoors. Remove shoe cupboard from front hall in order to replace with artificial tree. Hoover and dust space left by shoe cupboard. Struggle to get storage case containing tree from the loft without falling through the hatch and breaking a limb or three. Open case. Remove a billion branches. Think, 'where's the stand?' Return to loft. Move entire contents of loft from one side to other in search of artificial tree stand, all the while muttering 'it should be in the case with the rest of the tree. Why isn't it in the case with the rest of the tree?' Find stray Christmas tree bauble by standing on it in bare feet. Fail to find tree stand. Descend from loft. Remove entire contents from cupboard under the stairs in case stand got put there last year for some odd reason. Get narky. Place tree back in case, and daughter in loft ready to receive the case when you push it back up ladder through hatch on your shoulders. Know that when hubbie returns from course he will produce the missing stand in three seconds flat. Put shoe stand back in hall.

9) Move table with telly on it further into room. Put telly on smaller table in corner of room. Place real tree on top of first table and ram hard against wall so it doesn't fall over. Put lights on tree. Remove kitten from tree. Place tinsel on tree. Remove kitten from tree. Place bead strings on tree. Remove kitten from tree. Hang selection of jingle bells on tree. Remove jingle bell from kitten's mouth. Remove kitten from tree. Retrieve various bells from around the house where they have been stolen and strategically hidden by kitten in jolly kitten Christmas japes.

10) By now, any thought of tasteful decoration will be far from your mind. Free expression is called for now. Fling tinsel, lights, wreathes etc around in loose fashion to achieve the 'relaxed' look.

11) Remove kitten from tree. Remove bell from kitten's mouth.

12) Switch on all lights. Sit on sofa. Eat chocolate snowman. Think, 'Isn't Christmas great?!'