Make Your Mind Up Time

It's a bit unsettling, all this election/ government/ have we got a new Prime Minister yet malarkey, isn't it? Fascinating stuff, of course, despite the maths, but I can't help thinking that the longer the main parties are taking to sort themselves out, the more their 'cordial discussions' could be disintegrating into petty squabbling.

'I know,' says Mrs Pumphrey, who is true Prime Minister, but no-one of any intelligence ('cept me and Andy) has yet recognised her as such. 'I keep telling them. I keep saying, 'Dave, Nicky, calm down. I'm sorting it out, okay? And Gordon - get back in your box and count your fingers. But will they listen? Will they cocoa.'

This morning, when still no news was to be had, I thought, I bet they're arguing over billing rights. You know, the tricky negotiation that theatre stars undergo when deciding whose name goes at the top of the poster when it comes to joint appearances. It used to be that the biggest crowd pulling star would go first. The Royal Shakespeare Company list everyone alphabetically, no matter the star status.

And thus, I think, goes the current conversation behind closed cabinet doors.

Nick: So, Dave, with both our surnames beginning with 'C', whose going to get top billing on the posters at the joint party conference in the Autumn?
David: Well, Nick, I am more famous than you, so I really ought to be on top.
Nick : But I am a fresh young thing, and also slightly taller than you, so I think I should go near the top.
David: This is true. And I understand your argument completely. But, I should also like to point out that the letter 'D' for David comes before the letter 'N' for Nicholas in the alphabet, so I have double the right to be top of the poster.
Nick: Actually, Davey, my real first name is Aardvark Alfonso. And Clegg is an Anglicanisation of my true surname...'
David : Which is?
Nick: No, let me finish...
David: ...I am...
Nick: Oh, right. Er....yes, Clegg. Anglicanisation of 'a la Clegge,' from the French you know. With a soft, elongated 'g'.
David: Whilst I don't doubt for one moment that your true name is Aardvark Alphonso a la Clegge, I would wish for you to provide sustantial proof. Until the evidence if proven, I would like you to consider also that the second letter of my name is 'a', whilst yours is 'i'.
Nick: Now you're being petty.
David: I think not. I think you started it by being completely incapable of accepting that I am more famous than you. Before the first leaders debate, it was 'Nick? Nick who?'
Mrs Pumphrey: Bok, bok!
Nick : Who let that chicken in here?
David: Don't change the subject.

Well, it's either that or they're arguing about what biscuits to have during tea-break.