The News Today

One of the advantages of tutoring is that as I don't get paid for breaks and lunchtimes, I can do what I like during these times. Unlike being a classroom teacher where you have to spend breaks catching up on marking/ tidying your classroom/ being on duty/ being a listening ear to any student who has just broken up with their boyfriend/ girlfriend/ got into trouble with another teacher because they didn't do their homework/ had their sandwiches nicked by Kieran in Year 9, who flushed them down the loo. Oh no, breaktimes now mean reading the paper, doing some writing or immersing one's soul in a darn good book.

Today, I read the Daily Rant and did the coffee time puzzles to keep the old brain sharp 'n' ticking. There were some interesting stories to keep me entertained.

For example:
1) The hoo-ha about the two male commentators being overheard denigrating the female football referee and saying someone would have to go down pitch-side and explain the off-side rule to her. I thought it was quite funny myself, but then I'm not a great feminist; I just shout and /or sulk until I get what I want. Cuts down on unnecessary politics.

2)Leading astronomers have decided there are no aliens 'out there' (doo-de-doo-de-doo-de-doo-de). Well, clearly they are wrong because I taught at least two today, one of whom declared that Austria was the capital of Germany and people who lived there spoke Australian.

3)David Essex is joining the cast of Eastenders. I may just have to break my three year ban on not watching 'Stenders...

4) Staying fat may be better for your health - well, that's a relief; pass me a doughnut.

5) Lily Cole apparently 'walking' into the lead role at her university's production of Chekhov's 'The Seagull.' What else was she supposed to do? Arrive on a milk float? I saw a production of 'The Seagull' once. I was appalled that they actually allowed the actors to smoke during the performance because I could smell it from my seat and it made me cough, but the way the seagull landed dead on the stage with a massive 'bang!' was great! Especially as I was beginning to doubt a seagull was going to actually turn up, and Chekhov had somehow mis-named his play and it was really called 'Family Tiffs' or something.

6) Can Facebook lead to madness? You betcha! And bad tempers, accusations of all sorts of unsuitable practices, the misconstruing of innocent information, broken friendships and an ironic degree on unsociability.' Newsworthy? I hardly think so. Bloomin' obvious? Well....durr!

7) Paul Daniels selling his toupe on E-Bay. What? I didn't get very far with that article. I feared I would die from lack of interest.

8) Helen Mirren having a hair cut. Ditto above. Or was she the purchaser of Paul Daniel's toupe?? Hmmmm....

9) Some dreadful rant about eating 5 fruit and vegetables a day being a cynical myth. To begin with I thought the Daily Rant had inadvertently printed an item written by 'doctor' Ben Goldacre, but it's by some woman who (surprise, surprise!) has a book out! Ha! Who's the cynic now??? Er, that'll be you, Denise, so shut up. Honestly, if Mother Nature took the time to invent fruit and veg, I'm going to eat them. Mother Nature didn't invent MacDonalds and there is a good reason for that. And I know exactly what Andy will say when he reads this. He'll say something like 'Mother Nature invented tobacco/ deadly nightshade/ the dysentry bug. I told you vegetables were poison,' and I'll say, 'Do you want dinner tonight?' and he'll agree that I am right, of course fruit and veg are good for you, dear.

10) Oxbridge skiers who slid into shame and debauchery. Apparently, one Varsity trip organiser said he saw students 'losing their souls' whilst competing in some of these dubious games. Who'd've thought the Devil goes ski-ing? Still, if there are easy souls to be had, it'd be worth him investing in a set of warm thermals and an apres-ski suit, I suppose.

11) Some woman moaning about how she underwent 15 years and spent Lord knows how many thousands of pounds on cosmetic surgery and now she wishes she hadn't. And she's only 41. Blimey, think of the years of regret and whinging she's still got left in her. Yawwwwwwwnnnnnn.....

12) Are you set to inherit your mother's face? Well, given my brother has had everything else she owns, I doubt it because I wouldn't put it past him to have that too. I'll stick to my own face, thank you kindly. It's done me okay for the last 45 years, and as long as I keep hanging the hammock under my chin and strapping it to my ears every night, it'll do me for a few more years yet before it starts dragging on my chest. And then I'll just leave it in a paper bag until Heather decides if she wants it or not.

And that's not including all the fashion tips, the celeb shenanagins, the politic bumph and Janet Street-Porter's column which, the more I read, the more I think she should be in Government as Minister for common-sense- pull-you-socks-up-and-get-on-with-it.

Off to cook dinner now. Enchiladas! Mmmmmmm...I'll regret it in the morning.