Christmas Book Cheat

I'm sorry to mention the Christmas word so early in the year, but when one is a writer, one has to think ahead.

'And when one is a chicken, one has to think ahead, too,' says Mrs Pumphrey. 'I, for example, have already ordered a tankini and flipflops for my summer hols next year.'

And one especially has to think ahead when one is a writer who hasn't had much time to write these last few months because one is teaching full time.

Which is why Much Malarkey Press is going to release, as the Christmas Book 2011, a little tome called 'The Chicken Blogs' or some such nonsense, which is basically a rehash of the chicken-focused writing I've published on this blog in the last three and a half years.

Look on it as being similar to all those BBC2 /Channel 4 'revisted' programmes which they advertise as being a 'new series' although what they really mean is 'old programme repeat but with five minutes added on the end in the form of a 'let's-catch-up-with-the-owners-of-Dungball-Hall-and-see-if-they've-managed-to-avoid-being-repossessed/falling down/ remortgaging-up-to-the-hilt.'

Anyway, Andy has been illustrating some, er, illustrations to go with the blogs and at some point between now and 24th December I have to find some time to do some editing and rewriting. Of course, if I wanted to be a real and proper writer, then I'd stop doing pointless paper-pushing tasks like auditing Year 11 homework for Senior Management, or preparing mini-whizzy lesson plans for Open Evening for Senior Management, or preparing a Focus Day for Senior Management (this one happened by some strange form of osmosis, don't know quite how but I'm buying an anti-osmosis suit to stop it happening again), or creating, constructing and erecting a Mentor Board for my Mental, sorry, Mentor Group because they're supposed to be entering a competition with it on Monday and 'quite frankly, ma'am, we can't be arsed to.' Which reminds me, when is a Mentor board competition not a Mentor board competition? When it is deemed a compulsory competition by, yes, that's right, Senior Management.

I'd rather be writing. But then the thought of Plan 'Cottage in the Country with Massive Garden' drives me on and I complete these silly tasks so I get paid at the end of the month. Sometimes, I actually get to teach some children.

Anyway, half-term looms in two weeks. I am planning to do writing then. Even it means sitting up until 10 every evening between now and then doing school work so EVERYTHING is up to date.

But I've read a few of the blogs this evening. And yes, they need a bit tweaking, and yes, there was a little lump in the throat when I read the blog dedicated to Mrs Bennett (do you remember Mrs Bennett?) but on the whole I was pleased with the whole entertaining blog effort.

So that's the Christmas book sorted for this year. Bit of a cheat, maybe, but needs must and all that.

'Talking of needs,' says Mrs Pumphrey. 'I wondered if you thought it was about time I had my own transport? I was thinking a sporty little Mazda number, maybe?'

'Mrs Pumphrey,' I say, 'it is NEVER going to be about time for you to have your own transport.'

'Not even a unicycle?' says Mrs P.

'Especially not a unicycle,' I say.