On the Tiles

Dave the Plumber is due to start refitting our upstairs bathroom next Monday. This has thrown me into what is commonly known as 'Tile Panic.'

'We supply everything else,' said Dave. 'All you need to do is decide what tiles you want.'

All? ALL??????

I am assuming that, being a plumber of enormous experience, Dave is aware of the gazzillion types of tiles there are OUT THERE in the Universe. It not a case of having a choice of, say, three, and you can discount one immediately because it is avocado green. Oh no! I spent all last weekend fretting over tiles. I looked at around ninety seven websites, all with different tiles/colours/ textures/ sizes/ delivery times/ delivery dates/ costs/ inc VAT/ ex VAT/ etc etc until my little brain froze over and I considered installing an outdoor bathroom where tiles would be unrequired.

Eventually, because I am a big Laura Ashley fan and I love flowers, I chose some Laura Ashley flower tiles. Black flowers on white and white 'n' silver on white. But what combination to have them in? I then spent all this week taking the bathroom by surprise by opening the door suddenly and throwing a vision of a variety of black/ white/ patterned/ plain tile combos at the various bits of wall (metaphorically, of course, not literally - that would be crazy, not to mention loud and messy).

Andy tried to help. He made suggestions which he knew I'd reject, bless him, but then he seemed suddenly happier when he realised the tiles were LARGE tiles and not TIDDY tiles, I don't know why. And he said I should choose the tile combo because basically he really couldn't be bothered with interior design.

Neither could I at that point.

I even prayed to St Beenqueue, Goddess of la Toilette, for guidance. She suggested black on white half way up the walls from the floor and white 'n' silver on white for the top half of the walls except for the shower cubicle which should be white 'n' silver on white all the way from top to bottom! Crazy!

I said, 'Okay,' because now I can blame it all on her if it looks hideous.

And don't get me started on the measurements.

'How many should I get?' I asked Dave.
'Enough, plus 10%,' said Dave.

I brandished my tape measure. I made a wild guess and I added 10%. I remeasured the bottom bit for the black on white, then the rest for the white 'n' sliver on white, and then I made another wild guess and ordered the tiles before I could think about it too much. Fingers crossed. Oh, and I think I deserve an A level in Maths now, thank you very much.

We're off to the DIY shop now - to get flooring. And a mirror and a blind. Oh, and some tiles for the kitchen because we've decided, sod it, we're going to get a range cooker and we need to retile behind the space where it will go.

I can feel another tile panic coming on. The kitchen is in shades of green. P'raps avocado mightn't be so bad after all...