Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Psycho penguin possession

When Andy returned from a two-day training course a couple of weeks ago, he brought back with him a present for me because he's nice like that. The present was a pair of cute fluffy penguins wearing stripy hats and scarves. The penguins are called Kev and Stella and they are joined at the beak in a cute Christmas kiss. When you pull them apart, Stella says 'I love you! Merry Christmas!' and her beak clamps back onto Kev's beak via the magic of a magnet and Kev's hat shakes and trembles, ringing the little bell on top to the amusement of everyone who sees it.

Sometimes, though, Kev and Stella 'perform' without any input from me at all. This freaks me out big time and has convinced me that they are, indeed, possessed by alien forces. I tell people this and they laugh at me, poo-poooing it as the sign of an overactive yet highly talented creative writer's mind. Until they experience it for themselves...

'I'm fed up with this,' says Stella one night in the dark and cold of a kitchen in a house put to bed several hours previously.
'What?' says Kev, who'd been dozing and enjoying a pleasant dream about taking over the world and banning humankind from eating mackerel. (Fine by me - I had a nasty experience with a mackerel when I was a child and haven't touched one since - it was during my mum's 'exotic cookery phase' in the '70's when meat and two veg was no longer deemed good enough for your upwardly mobile family.)
'Bashing beaks together and kissing and you rattling your hat like it's given you some kind of thrill,' says Stella.
'I know,' says Kev, who is always left cold by the experience. He came out of the igloo a long time ago, but this was the only work he could get and even penguins can't afford to be fussy these days. It was a constant bother to him that his agent Svensson Svorgen Svennsvonnsonnighannigen refused to see that he, Kev, was the John Barrowman of the Antarctic.
'It could have been so different,' sighs Stella. 'If only I'd got that skating gig with the BBC for their Christmas trailer.'
Kev agrees. He'd met Stella at the same audition. He'd been rejected for being too short and Stella had been rejected for being too gobby. It didn't help that neither of them could skate either.
'And listen to those cats snoring,' says Stella.
'Yes,' says Kev, although he's been thinking for a couple of days now how cute Tybalt is.
'I've gotta get out of here,' says Stella.
'How?' asks Kev.
Stella smiles and rubs her flippers together in a Dr Evil crossed with Mr Burns kind of way.
'Prepare for 'Nightmare on Penguin Street,' she says, handing Kev a pair of rubber gloves, a razor blade attached to each finger. 'Here, put these on.'
'They look a bit dangerous,' says Kev.
'Just do it!' snaps Stella. 'MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!'
Kev glances at the moon. He nods in understanding. It's nearly full. She's got PMT, he thinks. Penguin Madness Tension.

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