Thursday, 18 December 2008

Today's news

Generally I find the daily newspaper very weak blog fodder but today it is a veritable cornucopia of treasures on which I can base my social observations. Front page - picture of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and a horse. Lots of teeth and hair. Unfortunately, the caption does not explain who is who in the photo so I'm a bit confused. Plan to carry pic around with me and ask others which one they think is the horse. (Note to Andy - don't buy a lottery ticket this week. By the laws of karma there is no way we will win after this blog.)
Page 3 - Nancy Dell'Olio wearing what looks like a semi-transparent bin bag dipped in latex and glitter. Someone is quoted as saying 'She was turning heads all night.' Yeah, and stomachs, too, I reckon. She's only 3 years older than me and she's starting to look like a sad old strumpet. Come on Nancy - now's the time to draw the line - but not with that lip pencil. You defintely need to stop that now.
Page 7 - apparently it takes a four mile walk to burn off the calories in one mince pie. Is it worth it? But what cheered me more was that the calculations were based on the 'weight of an average woman' who is only 5lbs lighter than I am now! I'm nearly an average woman, folks! My family and friends will be thrilled!! Last week, my mum and aunt who have both commented on my overweightness over the years, both told me not to lose any more weight because I'd 'look awful.' Good grief, I can't win. A part of me wants to lose another 10lbs just to get my own back.
Page 11 - 2 DJs at Birmingham Uni's station Burn FM have been sacked for making lewd comments about Des O'Connor's grand-daughter a la Brand and Ross. This just proves how lacking in originality some of today's youth are and that you can still recycle old ideas and make the headlines. Later today I shall begin writing my new novel 'Harry Potter and the Darth Vaders of the Jurassic Park.' Should be a money spinning blockbuster if my theory is correct.
Page 21 - Katherine Jenkins in stalker hell. Now look here, Elliot. I am glad you've got over your Britney thing and taken my advice to raise your standards of celebrity adoration, but stalking?? Steady on there. Step back from the Jenkins. I offer this advice in the spirit of someone who has forgiven you for pre-empting one of Heather's Christmas presents with your Secret Santa even though I had to go and get her something else and ended up in a shop where I felt obliged to help the owner defend her goods against a gang of slimy, marauding French teen shoplifters. (Don't ask - let's just say they didn't stand a chance against us two feisty old British birds!)
Pages 22/23 - A fabulous picture of a mummy hippo swimming with her baby hippo. It's a rear view shot and I am going to cut it out, laminate it, hang it in my study and never worry about my bum being too big ever again!

And so I could go on. But I shan't because Andy and I are off to town to get his eyes tested and buy some arnica for his bruises where I whalloped him last night after he tried to push me out of bed.

Oooh, and one final mention - page 66 (how almost ironic!) Tony Blair's Christmas card. Him and Cherie. I was transfixed by his teeth. Brushing with Toilet Duck are we, Tone??

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