Friday, 13 April 2012

Is This a Publishing Contract I See Before Me?

No, of course it isn't but, because I am creative writer and am always on the look out for ideas I can schmoosh together into a half decent blog, I can't waste the opportunity that has arisen in the last 24 hours to do just that.
Here we go...

Ingredients For Today's Blog:

1) a blog resident of MMM called, let's say, Pookie (not his real name, but he's in for a severe ticking off from moi so may wish to remain anonymous) who is a vet pal of ours and was best man at our wedding and is, co-incidentally (or not) a specialist in bunny rabbits and author of a veterinary book on how to look after bunny rabbits

2) the writing of a scheme of work on Macbeth by me (well, Shakespeare originally, and I suspect if he knew the trouble I was having trying to get my backside in gear with the task, he'd have put a codicil on his script, namely, 'This Playe of Greate Standing Shall Ne'er Be Put to the Childe of the 21st Centurie For Feare 'Twill Cause Much Rejection and Troble for Their School Ma'am. Government - Note Ye Welle.')

3) the being of a writer, published and unpublished, and the boiling of the rage and the sitting at the top of the stairs ranting into the telephone

So, I am supposed to be writing this scheme of work on Macbeth, and I am about halfway through but it isn't the most enjoyable piece of writing to write because I have to consider the National Curriculum strands, the exam board requirements, the use of high order questioning, KAGAN active learning, extended writing, Philosophy for Children, the differentiation, the time constraints, the fact 95% of all teens are Shakespeare resistant . Basically, I should be finishing it today, but I can't be arsed (and the phrase is 'Can't be ARSED' oh young people who Twitter and Facebook and social network in other ways, NOT 'Can't be ASKED' which is what they seem to think it is. C'mon teen-people, here's a chance to use a mild naughty word and you're missing out on the fun by using completely the wrong slang! I never expected to have to point that one out...)

And so I am finding many displacement activities like arranging the home and contents insurance (another soft toy meerkat on the way!!), and arranging Andy's birthday present, entertaining Mrs Pumphrey, cleaning the bathroom, reading the paper and looking forward to a lunch date with my friend Janet.

Andy, who is away in Birmingham attending scintillating lectures at BSAVA, phoned last night and said he'd had lunch with Pookie who is doing some rabbitty related lecturing type stuff, because his emminence in the World of Rabbits is clearly on the rise and his bunny know-how is beyond compare. And Andy said that at one point Pookie spoke on the telephone machine to his publisher. And Andy said, 'Denise is an entertaining writer; she needs a publisher. Can't you put in a good word for her with your publisher?'

And Pookie sighed and said, 'Oh, they're Swedish. And they want me to write two more books on rabbitty stuff; I'm really not that keen to be honest.'

WHAT??? Can't be ARSED???

'I could write a book about Swedish bunnies,' I said to Andy.
'I daresay you could,' said Andy. 'But probably not the kind of book the publisher is after.'
'Book..SSSSSSSSS....' I said. 'Plural. Pookie is turning down a two-book publishing deal. He is clearly madder than I thought.'
'Still....' said Andy.
'I mean,' I continued, in the manner of a piqued-frustrated-author, 'what is there to know about rabbits? Clip their nails, give them something hard to chew to keep their teeth tidy, groom them if they are long-haired so they don't get poo-balls, and don't feed them lettuce because it conforms to the rabbit-diet-myth-stereotype and actually isn't that good for them. My bunny books would be a lot more interesting than THAT!'

'Calm down, dear,' said Andy. Actually, he didn't say that, but I know he was thinking it.

So, Pookie (and you know who you are!), I am going to write a rabbitty book. TWO rabbitty books.The main characters are called Binky and Boenky, they live in Sweden and they have MANY fun rabbitty adventures together which include a nerve-wracking fight with a herring, a tea party for the Rabbit Queen of the World and coming to the rescue of two nest-building challenged wood pigeons who are still having trouble getting it right. (Much security light activity today and the addition of eight more pieces of straw. Nest still looks pathetic, though.)

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