Hermit

I had better warn you that I am in a foul mood. If you hear any stomping, and see any scowling, that'll be me.

'We have foul moods,' says Daisy.
'No,' I say, 'you have fowl moods, and that is because you are chickens.'
'I am glad we got that joke out the way sooner rather than later, aren't you?' says Primrose.
'Yes,' says I, 'especially as it isn't that funny.'

I tried to talk myself out of it, with one of those 'count your blessings' talks, but that made me feel even more foul, so I decided, instead, to indulge in my Great Mood Of Filthiness and have donned a T shirt emblazoned 'Stand Well Back - Crabby Old Bat Coming Through' on the front and 'I Told You to Stand Well Back,' on the back.

Why, you might be asking, am I feeling foul?
I shall tell you....
1) I have a mild stomach bug so slept very badly last night
2) I am having a bout of grey hair angst
3) I am fed up with insensitive 'look at me I'm so clever' Lefty morons having continuous pops at the late and great Mrs Thatcher before she is even laid to rest
4) I am fed up with the weather - the cold, the rain, the wind
5) I am fed up with my inability to motivate myself into doing something useful, like repaint the kitchen, tidy the garden and write a best selling novel
6) I am fed up with working
7) I am fed up with being surprised that eating too much makes me put on weight
8) I am fed up with being used as a sounding post and being expected to make decisions for other people
9) I am fed up with the BBC
10) I am fed up with hearing traffic and people and my ear whooshing
11) I am fed up of clutter and consumerism and stupid 'celebrities'
12) I am fed up of not being allowed to finish sentences...

Last night there was a brief news item about a man who lives in a mobile home van thing on the shores of Loch Ness. He parked it there over twenty years ago when he had the realisation that it was his purpose in life to prove the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. And that is his job. He sits and watches. He makes models of Nessie to sell to tourists. He doesn't have electricity or running water (although he has a massive watery Loch on his doorstep.) He does pay council tax - Band A apparently, so I hope he gets regular rubbish removals, unlike us who get them once a fortnight, which is something else I am fed up of especially when we have three indoor cats who use a lot of litter.

He has given up living a conventional life in order to pursue his purpose. He lives in a little cosy space, by himself, watching the water of the Loch. He seemed very happy.

Not foul at all.