Cats Can't Do, Cats Can Do

Cats can't:

1) fill fountain pens with ink

2) hang washing on an airer in a tidy and economical way, preferring to arrange it flat on the floor (easier to sleep on)

3) survive in fridges when on a leftover nibble hunt (What is white and meows to be let out? A cat in a fridge!)

4) tidy up their cat balls in order to avoid causing serious ankle injury to their human slaves

5) use biros in a way that suggests they are, in fact, highly literate creatures and not merely arsing around with a long pointy thing

6) balance on the arm of a sofa and go to sleep without eventually falling off. However, when they do fall off they are very good at giving you a look that says, 'I meant to do that.'

7) eat cat biscuits without spitting bits all over the kitchen floor, especially when you have just given the floor a jolly good sweep

8) use a kitchen broom correctly. By which I mean, using the handle and pushing, rather than clinging onto the bristles with their teeth and being swept around a la 'Broom Sweep Ride

9) keep litter in their trays rather than spreading it all over the floor so people walking with bare feet feel like they are walking on especially spiky Lego. With extra spikes.

10) refrain from chasing the bobbles on strings that are attached to a particularly favourite winter jumper worn by a human slave because it is jolly cold and windy outside, by golly yes it is

However, cats can: 

1) keep human ears warm on chilly nights by draping their furry cat bodies around human shoulders

2) create effective storage facilities for biros and assorted pencils e.g under the sofa, under the cooker and under the fridge. Unfortunately, not under the phone.

3) sing loudly. It's one tune on one note, but it is a good song, the Song of Purrrrrrrr

4) induce feelings of gooey aaaahhhhness, which counteract feelings of ggrrrrrrrnessss often induced by fellow human beings

5) create good photo opportunities e.g Cat Up A Christmas Tree, Cat in a Box, Cat in a Waste Paper Basket, Cat Under a Newspaper, Cat in a Slipper, Cat Watching Washing Go Around in a Machine

6) show very great excitement about each new day, because it is NEW, and who knows what MIGHT happen, and life is very EXCITING, and humans could learn A LOT from this Cattitude philosophy

7) have whatever shaped eyebrows they darn well like, and not care who might be pointing and laughing

8) manage without shower gel, soap AND loo roll

9) wear fur without fear of paint attack by anti-fur trade protesters. They can also share their fur with their human slaves and will perform automatic colour contrast co-ordination, e.g if you are wearing white, you will be donated black fur, if your are wearing black, donated fur will be white. 

10) show unconditional affection and forgiveness because they have already forgotten that yesterday you nearly squished them like a bug because they were hiding under the blanket that was on the sofa upon which you decided to sit.