Sunday, 8 December 2013

The Eighth Day of Advent - Did You Know?

There was a bit of an argument developing on Santa's sleigh.

'I say 'Trivial Pursuit',' said Tango Pete.

'And I say, 'Charades',' said Harold Angel. 'Charades is your quintessential traditional Christmas game. Everyone plays Charades at Christmas.'

'Not in our house we don't,' said Merrily Onhigh. 'Not since Christmas 1999 when Aunt Clementine fell into the sink trying to mime 'Titanic.' She got her foot stuck in the waste disposal unit and it cost a big wodge of wonga to get a plumber out on Christmas Day to set her free.'

'You could always just ask him,' interrupted Mrs Pumphrey, ever the voice of reason. 'He is, after all, sitting just there.' And she pointed at Santa, who was jingling the reindeer reins and steering the hitherto un-named gang towards a big land mass below which could have been part of Titbury von Streudelheim, or Barbados, or France, or the North Pole - nobody knew because everyone had completely lost track of time. 

'Ask me what?' said Santa.

'Is your favourite Christmas game Trivial Pursuit or Charades?' said Mrs Pumphrey.

'Neither, dear lady,' said Santa. 'At the Claus residence, on Christmas Day, our favourite game is 'Twinkle My Fairy and Butter the Carrots.'

Tango Pete looked at Harold Angel, who looked at Merrily Onhigh, who looked at Mrs Pumphrey, who shrugged. 'No idea,' she whispered.

'Well, ask!' whispered Tango Pete. 'This has become very much a need-to-know situation.' The other two nodded vigorously in agreement.

Mrs Pumphrey cleared her throat. 'So, Santa,' she said. 'I know that you are out this evening because you are having a trial run for Christmas Eve, just to make sure there are no Gremlins in the works, so to speak...'

'And to get Mrs Santa a bottle of Baileys,' added Santa. 'She's completely run out and her aged aunts are popping in for a Baileys 'n' Bingo evening tomorrow.'

'...quite,' said Mrs Pumphrey. 'But tell me, after you have been out all night delivering presents all around the world, how do you and your good lady wife spend Christmas Day? Or are you so tired that you just go to sleep?'

Santa laughed a great bellyful of laughter. 'Sleep? Through Christmas Day? Never!'

And here are ten things that Mrs Pumphrey ascertained about How Santa and His Family Spend Christmas Day...

1) when Santa arrives home from his global pressie drop at exactly one minute past midnight, he pops straight into St Olaf the Chilly, his local church, for the Midnight Eucharist. After all, if it wasn't for the Christmas Story then he would be out of a job, wouldn't he? Well, probably not, because Mrs Claus wouldn't tolerate him cluttering up the house all day and would find him something to do, but you know what I mean. And the vicar, the Reverend Chris Tingle, ALWAYS makes a joke about him being a few minutes late but being just in time for the mulled wine and mince pies. Every year, year in, year out, the same joke. It's like a tradition. Or an irritation. Santa says he can't remember which, but it is probably the one you can get an ointment for. 

2) Santa then goes home and on the way he always picks a sprig of mistletoe from the woods near his house. On arriving home he rings the doorbell and puckers up under the mistletoe for his first Christmas Kiss with Mrs Claus. Generally, this works well, unless Mrs Claus's sister Mildred is visiting. Then 'misunderstandings' can, and have occurred.

3) Santa always cooks breakfast on Christmas morning. Mrs Claus provides breakfast the other 364 days of the year - usually something healthy, like porridge or yogurt and granola, and a banana for potassium, because she is concerned about Santa's cholesterol levels, but on this one day of the year she lets her husband loose with the frying pan as long as he promises to use olive oil and to grill the bacon. 

4) at exactly 11 a.m the children of Santa and Mrs Claus arrive. They have five children - Peter, Susan, Edmund, Lucy and Tumnus, who has never quite forgiven them his name, even though he is carrying on the family tradition of a long line of Tumni. 

5) Santa's middle name is Tumnus.

6) Whilst Mrs Claus sets to cooking their traditional Christmas Dinner (which includes something called A Raisin'Toast From The Queen of England) Santa takes his grandchildren into the back garden to make snow angels, build snow houses, ride on sledges, take the ski lift up the mountain for a spot of skiing and all the other snowy activities one can do when one's back garden consists of several thousands acres of Winter wonderland. Santa's grandchildren, in case you were wondering, are called Robin, Crystal, Noel, Frosty, Nicholas, Polar, Cliff, Wizard, Slade, Eric, Ernie, Elizabeth,Victoria, Albert, Charles, Holly and Ivy. And Tumnus.

7) Christmas Dinner is served at 2 o'clock exactly. Santa always says a big 'thank you' to all the elves and the reindeer and other support staff and outworkers who make his job so much easier. He also makes sure he sits close to the roast potatoes because roast potatoes are his favourite part of Christmas dinner; in fact, if he could have an enormous turkey fashioned from roast potatoes he would be a very happy Santa indeed. He also swaps his traditional red, furry hat for a Christmas cracker hat, regardless of its colour and style. One year it was a traditional red, furry Santa hat! My, how they all laughed!!

8) At 4 p.m it is time for Games. There is the traditional Christmas Jigsaw Puzzle - at least 250 pieces - and then Pin the Tail Feather on the Turkey (but not literally). Then a game of 'Twinkle My Fairy and Butter the Carrots' which I would explain to you but sadly the instructions are written in Icelandic and it is a language of which I have no knowledge whatsoever so your guess is as good as mine and Mrs Pumphrey's. 

9) At 7 p.m EVERYTHING but EVERYTHING stops for Doctor Who. Except Mrs Claus, who nips into the kitchen for a nice cup of tea, a slice of her lightly spiced fruit cake and a quick jot down of her New Year Fitness Plan ideas in the back of new diary which doesn't take long because it rarely lasts longer than January 3rd. 

10) and finally, it is on with the ambient lighting, out with the cheese and biscuits, stoke up the fire against the chill night air, crank up the carols and drift in and out of a 'job-well-done-and-hasn't-it-been-fab-day?' snooze fest. 

And that, dear readers, is how Santa spends Christmas Day! 


Olly said...

I'm impressed that Santa gets his dinner at 2.00. I always aim for that, but it's never happened yet!

Denise said...

Mrs Claus is a bit of a control freak when it comes to time management. Also, and don't tell anyone this, she really aims for a 1 p.m start, but everyone thinks it is 2, so they are always impressed by her immaculate timing! Only she knows she is an hour late.

Countryside Tales said...

I've spent years wondering how FC passed Crimble day xx