The Thirteenth Day of Christmas - Wise Men Say Only Fools Rush In...Amongst Other Stupid Things

'Only fools rush into what?' said Merrily Onhigh.

Mrs Pumphrey shrugged. 'I don't know,' she said. 'They didn't say.'

Merrily sniffed in that haughty and dismissive way only geese can manage. 'Not very wise, then,' she said.

The girls had been considering the concept of 'the Wise Man' for the past half an hour or so, as Tango Pete and Harold Angel squabbled over Santa's telescope because they both wanted the manly job of looking for the brightest star that hopefully would lead them to the L.ast No L.

Mrs Pumphrey and Merrily Onhigh watched the two boys having what could only be described as a 'handbags at dawn' fracas.

'Good grief,' sighed Mrs Pumphrey. 'They aren't being very wise, are they?'

'What is on your list so far?' said Merrily. Mrs Pumphrey had been jotting down ideas on a list entitled, 'Features of a Wise Man,' just in case they were forced to place an advertisement in a suitable journal. She cleared her throat. 'A Wise Man...' she began - 

1) notices when the lady in his life has a new hairdo/ bought a new dress/ lost weight

2) remembers birthdays and anniversaries and accompanies them with suitable cards, gifts and loving sentiments

3) knows what day the bins need putting out and how to change an empty loo roll

4) understands that when the lady in his life says she is 'fine, thanks' she really means she isn't but isn't going to say why- it is up to the Wise Man to find out

5) pretends to understand why kittens/ babies/ designer shoes are so appealing even if he doesn't 

6) accepts that regular rearrangement of household furniture is an intrinsic part of the female nesting process and will accept it quietly and without complaint, even after crashing to the floor when trying to sit on a chair that was there this morning, but isn't now

7) will tolerate any number of visits to garden centres/ Lakeland kitchenware shops/ the Edinburgh Woollen Mill

8) will NEVER try to explain the off-side rule/ how time travel works / anything whatsoever to do with car engines because, quite simply, women don't care/ aren't interested / are too busy fretting how to fold a paper napkin into the shape of a water lily

9) will say 'That's  EXACTLY the colour of paint I was thinking of for the kitchen, too,' even when what they were really thinking about was if a chocolate covered deep fried chilli sausage might be a good thing to try eating

10) will NEVER rearrange, not even in a very subtle way, the contents of their underpants in the presence of any lady.

'It's not a great list, is it?' said Mrs Pumphrey.

'Well,' said Merrily, 'neither is it a bad list. In fact, it is very informative under certain circumstances. I was just thinking it lacks a certain worldly philosophy, that's all. I mean, where are the Ghandis and Diderots, the Churchills and the Homers?'

'Aaah,' said Mrs Pumphrey. 'The Iliad.'

'Simpson,' said Merrily.

'Right,' said Mrs Pumphrey.

Across the sleigh, Tango Pete and Harold Angel appeared to have developed some new kind of wrestling move. Harold had his foot pressed against the side of Tango Pete's head, whilst Tango Pete was chomping on Harold's wing. 

Mrs Pumphrey sighed. If only Tango Pete was a wise man, she thought. 

And so they continued to speed across the night sky. Santa was asleep, but the reindeer appeared to be managing well on auto-pilot. There was no sign of a significant star, and Wise Men seemed very thin on the ground. 

But things will turn out well, you know, because they just do. 

(P.S - Chris and Leane went for their 20 week baby scan today. All is well, and...it's a GIRL! )