Duvet Day

How to Make a Bed - The Pandora Kitten Way

Firstly you'll need a human. Make sure she's worn out after a session at the swimming pool and is wanting to get jobs done quickly because she's off to Norwich for her daughter's graduation.

Sit on landing and act all nonchalant. Whistle if you can. It adds to the atmosphere.

Wait until your human goes into the bedroom with pile of freshly ironed sheets, pillow cases and duvet covers. As soon as she places them on bed, leap onto pile, roll and kick. Fresh laundry provides excellent rollage and a bed is nothing without a few kitten hairs scattered hither and thither.

Bounce on all available pillows. If you somehow end up inside a pillowcase don't worry. A bit of judicious shredding using your best claws will soon get you out again.

Lie in wait on top of mattress. Ignores requests to 'Get off the mattress, Pandora, or you'll end up underneath the sheet.' Humans are stupid and don't realise this is the whole point of lying in wait.

At this point, the human might feign disinterest in finishing bed making task and wander off to clean the toilet or collect eggs or something. This is a ruse (unlike a roux sauce) because she is getting mightily fed-up with prancing kittens getting into pillow cases and under sheets and thinks if she does something else the kitten will get distracted/ lose interest/ go and make a puzzle or something and then she can sneakily return to the bedmaking task. Follow her. Don't let her out of your sight. But be surreptitious. Blend into the background. Become as one with the fabric of the house.

If you find yourself getting accidentally shut in the bathroom because your camouflage skills are A+ big tick, have a gold star standard, yowl very loudly until released. Yowling does the trick because it'll get on the one nerve your human has left. You'll know this when she says, 'Oh, for goodness' sake, Pandora!'

As duvet cover is being filled with duvet, get inside duvet cover yourself. It's fantastic fun! Like bouncing around in the middle of a huge cloud, or going for a ride at Alton Towers (but try not to be sick or you may find yourself wandering the streets with a red and white spotted hanky tied to a stick and containing all your belongings by nightfall.)

Leap from duvet just as buttons are being fastened. Remember Health and Safety at all times. Bounce around on top of duvet as duvet is being shaken out to fit across bed properly. This is the best fun of all. Just remember to cling on tight. If you can look a bit wild eyed and pin your ears back so you look like a torpedo head during this process, so much the better.

And if you want the maths and science:

Bedmaking time the human way = 5 minutes tops and easy as blinking

Bedmaking time the Pandora Kitten way = 20 minutes + lots of fun but about a tricky as going through revolving doors with a pair of skis over your shoulder.