Planning and Foundations

It was a busy day yesterday. Very purposeful, I felt. Firstly, I had a meeting with my web site consultant. His name is Andre. He is very flamboyant. Like a cross between Liberace and Freddy Mercury only without the tan and teeth. (He was wearing sequinned trousers though, droppings of which I am still hoovering from the carpet this morning.)

'What I neeeeeeeeeeeed,' says Andre,' is an ideeeeea of what you would like on your weeeeeeb site. Designs, text, colours, layout, pages....everytheeeeeeeeeeeng!'

I think, hang on matey, this is what I'm paying you to do. I don't have ideas, for heaven's sake. You're supposed to be the creative one if that shirt you're wearing is anything to go by.

'Can't you just build the site and then I'll add the writing?' I say hopefully.
Andre is picking through the biscuit barrel. He is looking disdainful of my selection. He is thinking, too right, not an ounce of inspiration in sight.
'No Duchy Originals?' he says.
'No,' I say. 'Although once the web-site is up and running I may add a shop that sells 'Much Malarkey Manor You've Never Seen Anything Like 'Em Crunchies.'

Andre sniffs. 'So,' he says, 'I will go now and purchase you the domain name.'

Already he's lost me, but Andre exudes a gentle, yet slightly edgy air that makes me feel I can let him get on with the project and no major disasters will ensue.

'Well?' he says.
'Well what?'
He sighs. There will be a lot of sighing today. 'What do you want your website to be called?'
'Much Malarkey Manor,' I say. I think, we've already established this, haven't we?

'I know! I KNOW!' says Andre. 'But do you want muchmalarkeymanor, or much-malarkey-manor, or much_malarkey_manor, or MMM, or...'

We decide on www.much-malarkey-manor.co.uk which is available thank goodness, as there would have been tears before bedtime if it wasn't. (And if you're thinking of clicking on the link now, I'd suggest you don't. You'll only be disappointed as all the work achieved yesterday is very much behind the scenes/ under the ground/ foundation level. I'll let you know when it all kicks off. We'll have a launch party or something, okay? Canapes, a jazz band maybe. Release a couple of emus into the wild.)

Andre disappears to the web site construction hub aka the back bedroom, muttering something about pay and conditions as he passes by so I keep him regularly furnished with coffee, tea and cake and try to avoid appearing at his side every five minutes saying 'Is it done yet?' Periodically, I am summoned to view the latest cartoon, or magic window idea. The more that appears, the more excited I become. I repair to my writing room and spread myself out on the floor with myriad sheets of paper, coming up with ideas for web content.

'I want bells in the hallway!' I shout. 'And an attic room which will be the link to Nearly King Jimbo. It has to be the attic room because there's going to be a telescope trained on Titbury von Streudelheim which is twinned with the village of Olden Glish where Much Malarkey Manor is situated. Mrs Pumphrey is going to be in charge of fashion tips and Pandora is going to manage the problem page. It's going to be called 'Dear Pandora...'

Andre appears at the door. 'You need to calm down,' he says. 'You need to understand there could be certain limitations on your vision.'
'No, no!' I say. 'No limitations. Everything is possible. The only limitation is my imagination.'
'Quite,' says Andre.

So it's coming together slowly, bit by bit. Andre and I are working our way through some delicate negotiations i.e I say things like, 'Can I have a plant pot with a little ladybird or spider appearing and tipping a wink at the visitor?' and he says, 'No,' and I quiver my bottom lip and pretend not to be shot through with disappointment at the crushing of my creativity and then he says, 'Well, I'll try and see what I can do,' and I give him a sweet.

The building work has begun. Until then, I'll blog on and keep you all informed of progress.
And work on my range of Much Malarkey Manor biscuits.