The Much Malarkey Manor Guide to Duckling Fostering

With Rubba safely on her way to her new home and the bathroom at Much Malarkey strangely quiet, I should like to impart a few tips for those of you who may find yourselves in the happy position of duckling foster parent in the future.

1) Duckling are inversely proportional to the size of mess they can make. Therefore, do not be concerned if the temporary foster accommodation you provide looks overly big -you're gonna need it.

2) Ducklings do tiny poos which can be overlooked if you are not fully poo-alert. Being fully poo-alert avoids any 'Eugh, yuk,' moments.

3) Ducklings get very excited at meal-times, to the point where they become unable to maintain their balance. They then do entertaining things like falling over backwards into water.

4) Ducklings must be 'wet-fed' i.e everything they eat needs to be mushed up with water because a) they do this funny wibbly-wobbly thing with their bill which tickles and b) they don't have teeth with which to chew. So remember - pellets+water= acceptable duck mush, bread +water= acceptable duck mush, corn +water= wet corn therefore unacceptable duck non-mush, and water+water= wet duck+wet human

5) Ducklings like green stuff e.g lettuce and grass but they are not very successful at eating it because their bills have not as yet achieved razor-like edges. Best to hang on to one end of any green stuff that is offered so duckling has something to tug against and therefore stand a better chance of getting it down their throats. (WARNING: It is not funny or clever to let go of greenery mid-tug and watch duckling fall over).

6) Ducklings can run at a speed that is disproportionate to their size.

7) Ducklings can peep at a sound level that is disproportionate to their size.

8) At bath-time it is wise to employ wet-weather gear - wellies, sou'wester, mackintosh, waders,umbrella, one of those fold-up plastic rain hats your gran used to wear. (For yourself, not the duckling).

9) Do not be tempted to wring out a duckling no matter how wet it appears after bath-time. Merely clip to washing line with wooden peg and allow to drip-dry.

10) DO NOT attempt to handle a duckling unless there is another creature with prehensile thumbs in the vicinity. Lone duckling handling can result in duckling running up your arm, onto your shoulder, across your neck and finishing up on your back, leaving you bent at a funny angle, your antics being watched with interest by three cats licking their lips. If you must indulge in lone duckling handling, use both hands at the same time and keep kicking cushions at the cats.

There. I think that just about covers all bases. Keep it wet, keep on your toes and you'll find that duckling fostering is a very worthwhile and entertaining experience!