Fat Quarters and Jelly Rolls

'Have you got any fat quarters?' says Mrs Miggins, appearing at the kitchen window. The kitchen window is open because it is bloomin' hot and in a rare act of stupidity (ahahahahaha!) I have decided to do some baking. The heat inside the kitchen is only marginally overcoming the heat outside.

'Well,' I say, 'as it happens I do. I keep doing the exercises and try to cut back on the amount of fat I consume, but they're still there, no matter what. However, they do mean I get to sit on rough ground without feeling too much discomfort. There's a lot to be said in favour of having a fat ar..'
'What are you talking about?' says Mrs Miggins. I notice she is wearing a floral dress a la Cath Kidston, and has plaited her feathers together into a long braid which she would be wearing over her shoulder if chickens had shoulders. She is also wearing sandals. I am thinking 'earth mother' here.
'My fat quarters,' I say, giving them a slap to underline my point.
'Not those fat quarters,' says Mrs Miggins. 'Fat quarters that are used in quilting.'

This time it is I who has no idea what she is talking about.
'Or jelly rolls,' says Mrs Miggins. 'If you haven't any fat quarters, I'll adapt the pattern and use jelly rolls instead.'

Now I know Mrs Miggins is nearly three years old, which is middle age for a chicken, but until now she's always seemed very on the ball in the noggin department.

'Or a layer cake?' she says hopefully.
'Ah,' I say. 'Now I can do a layer cake. I know where I am with a layer cake. What flavour would you like?'
'It's not cake,' says Mrs Miggins. 'It's not jelly and it's not fat. It's fabric.'
'Let's start again,' I say. 'What do you mean by all this drivel?'
'Mrs Pumphrey, Mrs Slocombe and I have started a quilting and patchwork club,' she says. 'We are keen to revive the quilting tradition in the hen-house.'
'Was there ever a quilting tradition in the hen-house?' I say.
'Well, we wouldn't want to revive it if there wasn't, would we?' says Mrs Miggins. 'That would be stupid.'
'And can I ask what brought about this idea for a quilting revival?' I ask, because usually when the hens discover they have extra time they wish to occupy, they go for something a bit more cutting edge, like paintballing, or croquet without flamingos.
'It's this,' says Mrs Miggins, and she hands me the latest copy of 'Net 10', which is a local mini-magazine for local people detailing all the weird and wonderful clubs and societies that are active in the local area. Don't ask me why it's called Net 10. I imagine next year it will be called Net 11, if it manages to stay in publication that is.

'Ah,' I say, looking at the advert she is stabbing at with some irritation, now that I am seemingly unable to assist with her demands for fat jelly quarter layer cake rolls. The advert says, 'Looking for a way to fill the long, dark and dreary winter evenings? Want to revive the old quilting tradition? Living in a hen-house? Then Q.A.P.S is for you! Join us on a Wednesday evening for creative fun and some bitchy gossip. Some skill needed.'

'Sounds fun,' I say, hoping this is the right response.
'That's what we thought,' said Mrs Miggins. 'But we need to get some skill under our belts. We can't show up next Wednesday as complete novices. We need to become au fait with quilting parlance at least.'
'Tell you what,' I say, because I have nothing better to do today (HA!), 'I'll take you into town, to C and H Fabrics, and you can peruse their patchwork and quilting section. Fiddle with the notions, pick up a couple of books, even.'
'And get some fat quarters?' says Mrs Miggins, hopefully.
'I expect so, I say. 'Especially if we pop up to the cafe on the top floor for a layer cake.'