Tunics

In my mind's eye, an holistic health therapist swans about her domain bare-foot and in loose floaty cotton trousers and a loose floaty cotton top, probably in a nice shade of purple, or azure blue. In my mind's eye I am thinking 'bohemian free spirit'.

In reality, if one wants to pass their reflexology qualification, an holistic health therapist has to swan about in a polyester therapy tunic 'n' trouser combo in a shade of, well, black. And if you have ever seen these outfits, they are designed for stick thin youngsters with pimples for bosoms and not middle-aged, curvy birds like moi. Still, needs must, and it'll give la famille a good laugh.

So, I type 'therapy tunics' into Google and am presented with a gazzillion different companies, all eager to sell their 'stylish professional work-wear.' And it's all in nylon. Or nylon with a dab of lurex, for extra stretch.

Extra stretch on someone like me is not a good look. Oh no. Think 'sausages hanging in a butcher's window' or 'semi-deflated balloons after the party.' In situations such as these, it is more flattering for the figure to order something a size or two larger than your usual, so that the fabric 'skims' the multitude of middle-age sin, rather than go for extra stretch when the fabric will merely enhance the extra lumps and bumps rather than deliver the suck 'em in and flatten 'em effect one is hoping for. Lurex, I find, is highly over-rated.

Also, there are many different styles of tunic to choose from. There are many different colours, too, but I am limited to 'black'. But styles - well, there are mandarin collars, no collars, round-neck collars, V-neck collars. There are ones with zips, ones with buttons up the middle, ones with buttons up the side, ones with buttons that go off at an asymmetrical slant. Ones with many buttons, ones with one button and velcro. There are long ones, short ones, sleeveless ones, ones as big as your head. There are ones with different colour pipings, ones with bows to tie at the back, ones that wrap over, ones that look alarmingly like strait-jackets.

Mercifully, trousers seem to come in one style only - bootleg.

So, I opt for a mandarin collar, button-down-the-front jobbie, with trousers, two sizes bigger than my usual, and await their arrival with a certain amount of trepidation because if they don't fit, I shall cry.

On a more exciting note, I have ordered some business cards! Not black. They were a freebie introductory offer from VistaPrint, but needless to say, once you've gone through the rigamarole of them trying to upgrade your selection and entice you into buying extras, your cards don't end up as the 'freebie' you anticipated. I held fast against the temptation of matching stationery/pens/websites/ rubber stamps/diaries/ etc etc blah blah blah and got 500 cards, a cardholder and 'special gift' of a block of post-it notes, all packaged and posted to arrive in the next 3 weeks for £4.93. Which wasn't too bad, I thought.

Of course, I am now being bombarded by their customer service department hell-bent on the hard-sell, but I have also set up a new e-mail business account, so once 'Cloud Nine' is up and running I shall shut the old account and they won't be able to find me ever again...mwahahahahahahaha!!!

My welcome pack for the Federation of Holistic Therapists has arrived. I am now in possession of a badge, a membership card, an insurance certificate, a very good, highly informative quarterly magazine and an equipment brochure containing many indispensible items including the dubiously named 'backnobber.' I showed Andy and he laughed like a drain. He is so immature sometimes.

I also joined the Complementary Therapists Association because it was free for students. But their badge is a lot smaller, and their magazine, although having nicer smelling ink, is not as informative, so I think I'll stick with the FHT when I renew next year.

Last night in class we covered 1.1, 1.1.1 and 1.1.2 of the syllabus along with the relaxation 'greet the feet' routine. And now I have homework to do. Fancy that. Homework!