Writer - Publish Thyself

'I've put together a copy of 'Ginnungagaps' on Lulu,' said Andy. 'It cost £7.04 and will be arriving in a few days.'

I am in mixed feeling about this. 'Ginnungagaps' was the first complete children's book I wrote, oh, a couple of years ago now. It has been sent to 20+ agents and publishers, and has come back 20+ times with a 'thanks but no thanks' attached. I had a couple of hand written comments from agents who felt it was worth more than the bog standard, impersonal rejection letter, with remarks like 'entertaining,' 'well-written', 'amusing' but all ending with 'but not quite what we are looking for at the moment.'

And now there will be a printed copy of the book sitting on our bookshelf in a few days. In a way it will be quite nice to see it 'in print' so to speak; in another way, I know I'll read it and think, 'Oh dear Lord, no wonder it didn't get anywhere.'

Andy's reasoning is that if we are going to self-publish 'Nearly King Jimbo' for Christmas presents, this copy of 'Ginnungagaps' will be a practice run for him whilst he gets to grips with the workings of Lulu. He'll be able to see where there are issues of layout, page numbering etc, and do a better job on 'NKJ' especially as he is going to do illustrations to go with it. I can see his point. And I am more happy about 'NKJ' going to print because I think it's a better book, especially now I've had to do quite a hefty edit and rewrite because half of it is stranded on my dead laptop.

And it's going to be Christmas presents for our long-suffering family and friends, who will receive it in the spirit it is given i.e Andy and Denise mucking about writing and illustrating a silly but entertaining story as a unique gift for the ones we love.

But it is still self-publishing. It jars with my conscience. I don't know why. I know it's irrational. Lots of people do it, I mean, it's the only way these days if you want to see your work in print other than that of your computer screen or on the internet, when publishers are willling only to take risks on established authors or celebrities, because they know they will get the sales they need to keep their businesses afloat in this recession-cramped world. The publishers and agents at the writing seminar I went to at Earl's Court admitted as much.

Despite it all though, being a writer is the hardest , yet most enjoyable and stimulating work I have ever done; I'll never give up, even if I flag every now and then and throw a notebook at the wall.

John Gardner, the American novelist, said, 'There is something I know about you that you may not even know yourself. You have within you more resources of energy than have ever been tapped, more talent than has ever been exploited, more strength than has ever been tested and more to give than you have ever given.'

I share this today, just in case you, like me, are struggling with the love of your life's work.