The Much Malarkey Manor Guide to Quilting With Cats

Firstly, I should like to point out that the title does not imply that cats were used in the manufacture of a quilt; merely that they were present in the same room as the quilter i.e me when I was quilting.

1) Remove, with glee, from the packaging the fabric purchased with great excitement in an e-bay auction frenzy last week. Sigh with fond remembrance about how exciting e-bay auctions can be. Make note to have another go soon.
2) Sort through fabric - 10 different designs all sharing the same autumnal tones for easy matching and no dodgy colour clashes.
3) Sit on floor in living room surrounded by needlework accoutrements. Phoebe Cat immediately appears from nowhere and decides THE BEST place to have a sleep is right in the middle of the floor where you want to spread out your fabric. Atmosphere in room takes on the air of rigid dogma as neither cat nor human are willing to move elsewhere.
4) Faff about for a good half an hour deciding which fabric to match with which, and in which order to achieve most pleasing effect. Use the woman's perogative to change mind at least six times.
5) Decide on project outcome for patchwork. Options are a) table runner b) cushion cover c) a fancy doo-dah padded handrail cover for the bannister rail of newly decorated stairs. Decide on cushion cover as an easy-entry into the world of quilting as will probably get funny 'Why?' looks from hubbie and daughter if attach quilted hand-rail cover to bannister rail. Besides, the colours don't quite match the hall, it being eau-de-nil, them being autumnal. (Ooooooh, get her!)
6) Pandora Kitten appears at exactly the same second the sewing box is opened and attempts to remove all cotton reels from top tray. Firm application of the word 'NO!' is treated with disdain, as is attempted reprimanding waggle of the 'finger of doom.'
7) Attempts to arrange fabric squares in pattern are hindered by jumping Pandora Kitten and sleeping Phoebe Cat. Start to piece together fabric squares with Pandora Kitten attempting to chase end of cotton thread.
8) Finish a reel of cotton and use it in an cunning attempt to distract Pandora Kitten from further distruction by rolling it through hallway into kitchen. All cats like to play with cotton reels. Hubbie comments the novelty will soon wear off and she'll be back to loot sewing box for a new one. Poo-poo idea. Keep faith with the cat 'n' a cotton reel = hours of distracted fun theory.
9) Two minutes later, Pandora Kitten reappears to loot sewing box for new cotton reel. Remonstrate with Pandora Kitten for letting the side down. Make note never to trust Pandora Kitten ever, ever again.
10) Manage to sew together 12 of the 25 squares without incurring injury to either self or creature of feline persuasion. Find 'specs perched on end of nose' method works well. Makes one feel like a real granny.
11) Re-assemble remaining squares after pattern destroyed in unexpected hunting ambush by Pandora Kitten.
12) Go and cook dinner.
13) Return with new vigour and detemination to complete half a cushion cover by the time 'Gavin and Stacey Out Takes' comes on telly.
14) Phoebe Cat now awake. Without invitation, decides to test the completed section of cushion cover. Complains about lack of room and padding. Leaves in a huff, shedding fur all over the shop.
15) Pandora Kitten renews attack on remaining fabric. Decide it is well past Pandora Kitten's bedtime and consign her to kitchen.
16) Complete half a cushion cover in peace. Relative quiet punctuated only by one inadvertent stabbing of thumb with sewing needle resulting in mild blaspheme.
17) 'Gavin and Stacey Out Takes' very funny.

On reflection, sewing and cats do not mix. On reflection I do not care.