How Not To Sell A Bed (or Anything Else For That Matter) to Lady Malarkey

Things that salesmen should definitely NOT to say to a middle-aged woman when she comes into your shop to purchase a new bed:

1) 'You look tired. Didn't you sleep well last night? Just joking! Ahahahahahaha!' 

2) 'You've had your current bed HOW LONG???'

3) 'Don't look at the prices - go for support and comfort, because the price really DOES NOT matter.'

4) 'Do you have dark circles under your eyes because you aren't sleeping well? Hardly surprising as you've had your current bed so long. Just joking! Ahahahahahahahaha!' 

5) 'Experts recommend you change your bed every 10 years. Well, every seven to ten years. You are well overdue a change.'

6) 'This top of the range mattress really cannot be beaten for support and comfort. Forget the price.'

7) 'Some people live in filthy conditions. You'd be surprised at how dirty their mattresses are.'

8) 'Women are always cleaning, aren't they?' 

9) 'You have to consider things like dust mites, stains and allergies.'

10) 'It really doesn't matter what side of the bed you sleep on - this mattress will support you whatever.'

Because the middle- aged woman, although she may be smiling through gritted teeth because she is quite capable of choosing her own bed, thank you very much and wants you to GO AWAY, will be thinking:

1) 'I slept very well last night. I generally do sleep well, except for the occasional return to consciousness to deal with a hot flush or two which I am not going to discuss with you because you will roll your eyes and smile in a very patronising manner. And you are NOT funny.'

2) 'Our current bed is fine, despite its age. In fact, the wooden frame is going into storage. The mattress, I grant you, could do with replacing, but the only reason we are here now is that we want a divan style which is slightly smaller than our current huge bed frame because I am practising being a design queen and need to maximise my floor and storage space. Oh, and your shop is having a sale.'

3) 'Of course I am going to look at the prices, you idiot. We are on a budget. Price matters. Shut up.'

4) 'If you mention the age of our current bed ONCE more, you too shall have dark circles under your eyes. And around your eyes. And on top of your eyes. Called a 'black eye.' And you are still NOT funny.' 

5) 'Experts recommend you change your bed every 7 to 10 years because they are experts who happen to manufacture beds and they want to sell beds as often as possible. You idiot.'

6) 'I am NOT paying over £1,000 for a mattress, no matter how top of the range it is. If I pay £1,000 for the mattress only, I would expect someone to arrive every morning with tea and toast as an extra free service. £1,000 for a mattress? Are you INSANE??? I could buy a CAR for that.'

7) 'I do not wish to hear stories about your delivery drivers refusing to handle an old mattress because of its disgustingness. I do not want to hear about other people's mattress cleaning habits. Shut up. Or I may well be sick. All over your floor.'

8) 'Well, yes, some women are always cleaning. Especially with cleaning fairies being a rare commodity  these days. But then, when did YOU last push a Hoover? Never, I expect. With your handshake grip you'd have trouble pushing the handle of a child's broom let alone pushing a Hoover. You flimsy idiot.'

9) 'Why? We do not have dust mite allergies and, as you have just pointed out, women are always cleaning. And if your mention of stains is building up to selling me Scotchguard treatment, forget it, pal, because you are now seriously getting on the one nerve I have left.'

10) 'Actually, it DOES matter what side of the bed I sleep on, because if I slept on Andy's side I would get up on a dark Winter morning and instead of heading for the bathroom, I'd head for a bookcase.  AND if we swapped sides we would suffer serious roll inwards issues. I prefer sleeping uphill, thank you. Which is why we are choosing a Slumberland mattress and not your top of the range mattress which, quite frankly, made me feel queasy because it bobbed around too much.'

And where was Andy during all this? Avoiding crusty salesman techniques by running around the shop bouncing on and off beds and vanishing behind display boards. 

We had trouble making the salesman understand that the delivery date would have to be on a Monday. Or a weekend. 

'They don't do Kent at the weekends,' he said. 'How about Tuesday 4th March?'

'That's not a Monday, is it?' said I. 'It's a Tuesday.'

And after several more false starts when he offered us a Thursday, a Friday and another Thursday, and then worked out I am a teacher, but only, I suspect, because Andy said, 'How about after the 4th April? You'll be on Easter holidays,' and the salesman offered us Friday 4th April, and I said 'but that's a Friday and we said 'AFTER' 4th April' and FINALLY, we got to Monday 10th April and the salesman couldn't resist a final quip about us having to put up with our very old bed for another two months, and Andy virtually had to stand on my feet to stop me leaping across the sales desk and committing salesicide, we paid and done was done. 

Anyway, mission accomplished. We did what we set out to do and that was to purchase a new bed. And a nice wooden headboard. On our terms. No extras. 

For I am steely-willed when it comes to dealing with salesmen. Unfortunately, the salesman did not know this. Poor chap. On many levels.