Cider with Andy

In our garden, we have an apple tree which is coming into its third year and still looks a bit like a stick. A tall stick, admittedly, for it has put on some growth, but last year it produced a grand total of 5 apples so as yet we're not self-sufficient, apple-wise. As Andy is keen to have a go at making cider this year, we needed to secure a supply of apples (you need more than 5 apples to make cider - I know, hard to believe, but true nonetheless). And our friend, Jean, who visited for dinner last week, came to the rescue, offering us as many of the apples from her two ancient trees as we can cope with.
'They'll be full of coddling moths,' she said, cheerily. 'But help yourself when they're ready.'

Now, I don't know a lot about cider-making beyond you have to cut the apples up and then squish them in a press and collect the juice. That's all right, I thought, I can cope with picking bits of moth out of the apples as we cut them up. I can handle worms after all (escapees on Tuesday - 4, escapes yesterday - 0 (hurrah!) escapees today - 2 (boo!)).
But then it transpires that it's not the parent moth I'd be picking out, but the baby larvae they produce a.k.a squishy bugs. I thought, I could get the hens to help. They like squishy bugs.
'They also like apples,' said Andy, which is true. So not only would they pick out the bugs, they would then make off with the apples, wolf them down, the excess consumption would probably ferment in their crops and explosions would occur.

'So,' I hypothesised, 'could you just leave the larvae in the apples and crush them in the press, regardless?'
'I suppose it depends how juicy a coddling moth bug is,' said Andy. 'And whether coddling moth bug juice is thin enough to seep through the sacking and mix with the apple juice.'
'Don't you know?' I said, appalled that, as a vet, he appeared not to know the viscosity of coddling moth bug juice.
'No,' he said, equally surprised that I thought he should have such knowledge when any fool knows his spare time is taken up with extending his understanding of the intricacies of Doctor Who.

Previously, we had researched the cost of cider presses. They are VERY expensive, even though the manufacturers are keen to say 'This Cider Press will last you a LIFETIME,' as a selling point. That's all well and good but Andy might not want to make cider for the rest of his life. He might give it a go this year and discover it's a lengthy, messy process with a revolting end product that is only good for stripping grease from the inside of an oven. So Andy has found a way of making his own press which involves bits of wood, a hessian sack and a car-jack.
'I shall hand craft my own press!' he declared, egged on by his work colleague, Tim, who is keen to make cider, too. (Tim also encourages Andy to play 'Consulting Room Bingo' at work in order to lighten the mood of sometimes stressful situations. Or is it Andy leading Tim astray?? Hmmm...it all sounds a bit 'Just William' to me.)

Andy has also discovered a book which tells you how to cook food inside your car engine. This time it was Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall leading him astray. In his early TV show 'A Cook on the Wild Side', Hugh cooks food on the engine of his camper van.
'Why would you want to cook food inside your car engine?' I asked.'We have a perfectly good cooker at home.'
'Well, you know, if you're out and about, miles from any shops, service stations, cafes etc, and you happen to be next to a river, for example, you could hop out, catch a fish, wrap it in tin foil with a sprig of wild sorrel, pop it on your hot engine and voila! Lunch!' said Andy.
'When did you start carrying a supply of tin foil in the car?' I asked.
'I haven't,' said Andy. 'Did you know you can buy a book about cooking in your car engine?'
'No, I didn't,' I said. 'You haven't purchased this book, have you?'
'No,' said Andy, suspiciously.

I shall be looking out for strange packages from Amazon...

So, by the end of the year we may have produced the first cider for carnivores -'Cider By Andy with Added Bug Juice' . And if our car starts smelling a bit gamey, you'll know why.