The National Trusting Bunch

The National Trust are a trusting bunch. Perhaps that's where they got their name from. Hadn't thought of that before now but it would explain why they have sent us our new membership cards without us having actually renewed our membership for this year. We've had a polite reminder to renew with an offer of a free organiser bag (whatever that is. This household already has an organiser bag - me!) if we pay by Direct Debit, they've even sent us the latest copy of the National Trust magazine.

But sadly, our NT membership is one of the casualties of me being an as yet unsalaried writer. That, and running a second car, having my hair coloured every six weeks and going on long weekends away to watch lovely Shakespeare productions by the RSC (although we are off to Stratford for an overnighter in June to see 'The Winter's Tale.' When I was a teacher I ran a drama club called 'Pursued By A Bear', a nod to the famous direction from the play -Exit, pursued by a bear,' and I am very excited to see how the RSC handle the bear issue. I hope they have a man in a costume rather than try and fob us off with clever use of shadows and sound effects. The play also has a clown and characters called Florizel, Mopsa and Dorcas. And false beards. And satyrs. And clothes swapping to bring confusion to the plot. Who said Shakespeare isn't a laugh???)

Anyway, we decided to let the NT membership lapse because we've 'done' all the properties in our vicinity. We like going to Sissinghurst because they have a nice restaurant, but you don't need membership to go into the restaurant or the gift shop as they are situated outside the gardens. Also, we've been around the gardens many times already and to be quite honest, there is only so much one can take of Vita Sackville-West and her lady-shenanagins with Virginia Woolf and the rest of the morally loose Bloomsbury set before they all start getting on one's nerves.

Of course, we now face a moral dilemma. We are in possession of the new cards. There is no way staff can check the validity of your membership from your card via a bar-code or chip 'n' pin, for example. And to be honest, they never check your cards properly anyway. I have a theory you could wave an old chocolate bar wrapper at them as you sail past and get in, no probs. It would be quite easy to get a year's membership for free.

We won't, of course. We are too honest to do something like defraud a charity. Besides, we'd both look too shifty to get away with it and God would make us choke on our Sissinghurst apple crumble for our sin. And the guilt trips would keep us awake at night. We'd end up doing something like bulk-buying NT advent calendars, bird feeders and collapsible walking stools to make up for not paying our membership fee.

I wonder if an MP would feel the same? Nah. I expect they'd try and claim it back on expenses.

Oooh, yes! My order from the Domestic Fowl Trust arrived yesterday. One bottle of gentian violet spray (very pretty - the girls will LOVE it! Purple pants all round), one pecking post (already installed with Mrs Pumphrey who is giving it a valiant pecking but it's made of solid stuff so should keep mad Mrs Slocombe occupied for her two week confinement) and eight anti-peck bits which look like nose rings. You attach them through the hen's nostrils, a bit like a bull nose ring, and it prevents them from gripping hold of feathers yet allows them to eat and drink normally. Only one ring at a time, I hasten to add, not all eight. Don't want Mrs S looking like a wayward punk rocker.

So come the weekend, Mrs Pumphrey will be released and Mrs Slocombe can begin her intensive psychiatric treatment. Goodness, but I hope it all works. We shall try our best.