Semi-detached hens

Here is the plan that WILL cure the chicken fracas. It is an organic plan involving no sprays, no purple pants and definitely no anti-peck bits (we tried the bits briefly - they are quite horrid and we do not recommend them.) And for those of you with a nervous disposition, the plan does not involve chicken casserole, chicken fricasee, southern fried chicken, lemon roast chicken or chicken nuggets (our hens, being girls, do not have nuggets.) I realise that my blog of a couple of days ago may have intimated that Mrs Poo was being earmarked for dinner this week but I could no more wring a chicken's neck than drown a mouse. I realise that some of you have probably grown as fond of our hens as we are. Having said that, Mrs Poo is still on probation and if any of you have fallen in love with her that much, she is available to go to a good home and I'll even supply the double reinforced canvas gloves and mini chair and whip you'll need if you want to keep all your fingers intact.

However, there have been developments which have evolved another plan. Our friend, Jane, has kindly donated her old rabbit hutch. It is just the right size to be turned into a maison a deux. This means that Cluckinghen Palace can be made semi-detached and two hens can live up one end and the other two down the other. In preparation for this I spent half an hour yesterday deciding which hen to pair with which. I gave up using my highly complex chicken algebra equations in favour of drawing four little chicken pictures, coloured in appropriate to each hen. I then wrote a list of the pros and cons of each hen and moved the pictures around on the table assessing the various combinations as I went.

There are 6 possible combinations. There is only one safe combination and that is Miggo and Pumphrey. Miggo and Pumphrey get on very well. They are well-behaved hens. They are the kind of hens a cockerel could take home to their mother (provided their mother wasn't like Mrs Poo). The other 5 combinations have varying degrees of risk factor, mostly involving Mrs Slocombe's lunacy and Mrs Poo's aggression. So after much chicken picture shuffling, this is what I, The Sadder but Wiser Hen Keeper, have decided. Mrs Pumphrey and Mrs Miggins shall share the new rabbit hutch extension in the North wing of Cluckinghen Palace and Mrs Poo and Mrs Slocombe shall remain in the pod in the South wing because it is closer to the house and I can keep a better eye on them as I don't trust either of them further than I could launch them in a cannon.

My theory is that these combinations will a) allow Miggo and Pumphrey to regrow their bottom fluffage to its previous glory, away from feather plucker Slocombe. And b)as Mrs Slocombe skirts around Poo, and if she does start getting up to anything minxy Poo will tell her straight away, then peace will reign once more between the 'do-as-you-are-told' and the 'I'm-doing-it-I'm-doing-it.' And finally c) as Mrs Poo will have only one other hen to lord it over, this might stop her being so pushy because having only one other creature to boss around has limited entertainment value.

In preparation for semi-deatched living I have today allowed Pumphrey into the North wing to keep Miggo company on her day release from chicken hospital. I say 'allowed' but what this really involved was me waiting until Mrs Pumphrey had laid her egg, then going into the run where we all flapped about like crazy things as I tried to get Slocombe and Poo separate from Pumphrey so I could close the partition between them.

As I write this I can see Cluckinghen Palace and all seems well. Pumphrey and Miggins are pootling happily together and when I went out earlier to give them all some greens I distinctly heard the words 'civilised', 'tea and crumpet' and 'crotchet club.'

And in the South Wing, Poo and Slocombe are looking calm and pootling together only with a slightly more bewildered air about them than the other two. Neither pair is fractious about getting through to the other pair. They can all see each other but no nerves are being tested. There is no scrapping for position at the food bowl or water bowl. It is all very companionable.

So it seems that two is company and three is a crowd. And four is just asking for trouble.