Rub-a-dub-pummel

Of course, I thought yesterday, when I was considering my part-time earning potential, I could always revive my therapeutic massage skills. I have to write 'therapeutic' because some people get very funny ideas (funny peculiar, not funny ha-ha) when you tell them you are a qualified massage therapist. Talk about getting hold of the wrong end of the malarkey stick.

About eight years ago, I did a year's course in Anatomy and Physionomy and Therapeutic massage therapy, with a view to taking additional qualifications in aromatherapy, reflexology and Indian Head Massage and setting myself up as a highly successful and independent self-employed person. Instead, and I still wonder what possessed me, I did the Graduate Teacher Programme and became a teacher. I think the earning potential in teaching was greater and, being a single parent at the time, I needed to think about practicalities rather than following my Whimsical Idea of the Year.

Anyway, I've got the certificate, I've got the books. I've got my old study notes and I've got the portable table (springy and lilac - v. comfortable). I no longer have my full size 3-D cardboard skeleton called George but never mind. I thought, I could brush up my routine and modesty towel technique and then I could either rent a room in a beauty salon or travel about to people's houses although that would require me getting my own transport. Andy could be a guinea-pig for me to practice on until I am back up to spec. In fact, Andy was one of my case studies that I did for my qualification. And he's used to being pummelled and slapped. (And talking of physical assault, Andy came home from work on Friday with a forearm devoid of hair where one of the nurses had taken it upon themselves to shave it in a total random act of vandalism. So, you vet nurses, I'll thank you kindly to stop manhandling my husband like that. It's bad enough that you write on his face with biro when he's having a lunchtime doze and lock him in cupboards when he is off his guard. I married his hairy forearms and would like them to stay thus. Also, it'll be me he's scratching at in the evenings when the regrowth happens.)

Towel technique is probably the trickiest part of massage therapy to master. One must maintain the modesty of the client at all times even if they prove to be a complete exhibitionist who cares not a jot about stripping off in front of a complete stranger. Towel technique can involve either one, two or three towels, depending on the size of the towels, the size of the client and the extent of the massage. For example, if you had a tiny person requiring a back massage only, you'd probably only need a single standard bath towel. Simple. A layer here, a flip there, et voila! Easy peasy. Problems arise when you are doing a full body massage, front and back on a person of above average measurements either widthwise, heightwise or all round the houses size. Then you need to start juggling. And whilst you are juggling, you need to issue very careful instructions to your client as to exactly what you are doing or it could end in complete chaos as you try to get them from back to front without exposing anything and/or having them fall off your therapy table.

'I need you turn over now, Mrs Smith. NO! Not just yet. I'm just folding the second towel back over you legs. Now, I'm going to ease the towel that is covering your back up a tiny bit so you can roll away from me whilst I avert my eyes. And then you tell me when you are settled and comfortable on your back and I'll tuck you in again. How long have you been on the Atkins diet now, Mrs Smith?Really? That long? Still, sometimes it takes a while for results to show, doesn't it? No, don't worry about the towel that was covering your feet, I'll pick that up in a second. And the one that is rolled up to support your neck, too. That's it, roll carefully. When you're ready. Yes, I've got a firm grip. MIND THE EDGE OF THE TABLE!!!'

It's very tricky, the modesty towel routine...

Animals like massage too. My friend Jane has a black labrador called Harvey and I sometimes give him a back massage until he falls over. Unfortunately, animals aren't very good at paying, probably because they rarely hold down full time employment. So people it will have to be. I'll dig out my books. See if there's an aromatherapy course starting at Adult Ed in the autumn.

And Vera, don't worry. I haven't fallen off the bicycle completely. It's just that one of my feet has come loose from the foot strap and I am merely pedalling with one leg at the moment. Let me work through it. I'll be okay...!!