Things Pandora Can Do

Pandora can :

1) Leap onto a table from a standing start, vertical take off style, like a space hopper

2) Eat tuna, salmon, cod, granola breakfast cereal, books, paper and fluff. She's not fussed about the complete kitten nutrition food I purchased for her

3) Play for 20 minutes non-stop then fall asleep in 0.0035428 seconds

4) Sleep in very bendy positions that really are not natural

5) Climb curtains in three bounds and descend curtains in one wild plummet to the floor

6) Use a computer keyboard (though not very well)

7) Share breakfast with Tybalt without him leaping backwards, startled and saying 'Are you STILL here?'

8) Use the big cat's litter tray for pooping and weeing and the big cat's water bowl for drinking and washing feet in

9) Clear a room with trumpet trouser farty fluffs

10) Make me laugh more than thirty times in half an hour

She has also worked out that if she sits on the digital TV aerial she can block the signal and prevent the telly from working, thereby gaining our immediate attention

Anyway, enough of the kitten, because kittens, like babies, are only fascinating to their owners and parents.

What else has happened this weekend? Ah yes, I made my first purchase for me on ebay yesterday. I bought a Carlton ware bowl in the shape of fruit for 99p plus £2.50 p & p.
'What do you think of that?' I said to Andy, showing him the picture of my lovely and very cheap purchase. 'It was only £3.49 altogether.'
'Do you like it?' said Andy.
'Yes,' I said.
'Then that's good,' said Andy, which is his non-committal way of saying ever-so-subtley 'I think it's bloomin' horrible.'

The Carlton ware purchase was the highlight of yesterday aside from finding out my great-great-great grandfather, James Pimm, invented Pimms. I really wanted to go and stand in Sainsbugs in the alcohol section next to the Pimms section and announce very loudly that 'Pimms was invented by my great-great-great grandfather, you know,' to all and sundry but Andy said that would be highly pretentious and socially embarrassing, so I stayed home and sulked and played with Pandora instead. We did very little else, mostly because Andy was feeling tired and drained after a grotty week at work. So I have decided to tackle his T.A.T.T syndrome myself, head on in a very confrontational 'I-intend-to-win' kind of way. Step 1 was the arrival of a hop pillow from Flynn's Bee Farm on the Isle of Sheppey.

'Here,' I said, presenting him the pillow. 'Pop that inside one of your pillows tonight and the scent will send you into a deep and dreamless sleep.'
Andy took the pillow and gave it a squeeze. 'It's very crackly sounding,' he said, which it was.
'You won't hear it,' I said, 'because the scent of the hops will send you into a deep and dreamless sleep.'

I locked myself away in my writing room this morning in order to create an anti- T.A.T.T therapy and nutritional plan for Andy to try, using the copious number of nutrition and alternative therapy books I've accumulated across the years. Over dinner I said, 'I am going to be your T.A.T.T therapist for the next few weeks. What would you really miss eating?' and Andy said, 'Cheese, sausages, potatoes and bread.'
And then I said, 'And what do you definitely NOT want to feature in your new anti-T.A.T.T plan,' and Andy said, 'Liver and nuts.'

This afternoon I went back into my writing room and crossed 'Liver and nut pate surprise,' off my list of potential recipes and added 'Sausage, chip'n'cheese sandwich,' in its place. I think I may have a battle on my hands getting Andy to fully embrace his new healthy living lifestyle.

Step 2 of the anti-T.A.T.T plan is, I admit, partly for my benefit, too. It will be the first practice massage in order to get me back into the swing of efflueraging, petrissaging and tapotementing. And that's what I'm off to do now. Straight after which, Andy will be immersed into a warm bath with lavender bubbles, then tucked into bed in a bedroom infused with the scent of more lavender, on a pillow of crackly hops.

And if he's late for work tomorrow, then it will be because he is still asleep and I haven't woken him. And my job will be done.

Somehow, I don't think it will be that easy...