Sunday, 19 December 2010

Round Robin, Fat Chicken

What do you think of round robin letters? You know, the kind of newsy 'this-is-what-we've-been-up-to-this-year-it's-so-fascinating' additions to Christmas cards you receive from people you don't see from one end of the year to the other, or in one case, one decade to another.

Well, we've had a couple this year. I've been threatening for the last three or four years to do one for us, but Andy always stops me, citing madness and boredom as two reasons I shouldn't inflict our tedious little lives on our innocent friends, relatives and passing acquaintances. But I figure that as I've been writing a blog for nearly two and a half years which has done EXACTLY that, he can't really stop me now. So here is my effort, tongue-in-cheek of course, for 2010.

Dear All,

Due to a lack of round robins in our garden this December, I've had to re-format this letter as a 'fat chicken' as we have plenty of those kicking about. I've had to buy larger envelopes but I'm sure you won't mind coughing up the extra postage if needs be.

Firstly, I hope you are all well, and 2010 has been kind to you. Of course, you won't have had HALF the excitement that Andy and myself have experienced this year, but I guess we can't all be thusly blessed, can we?

In January, we entered the Winter Luge Championships in Flangerhangerinnustribrucht, Finland. There was an awkward moment when neither of us found we could fit into our Lycra/ Elastine mix all-in-one bodysuits, due to over indulgence at Christmas (who'd have thought it???!!), but the officials were very good and allowed us to enter attired in bin bags. Despite the extra wind drag caused by flapping plastic, we still managed to knock 8.7 seconds off the World Record, beating Cameroon into second place, which annoyed them greatly.

February brought snow and litter of piglets to the Manor. Andy was all for eating them, especially when he found that if he squinted they looked like a string of chipolata sausages, but being vegetarian I refused to have anything to do with his dastardly plan, and suggested instead we train them as a porcine husky team for the 2011 Winter Sledge Championships in Flangerhangerinnustribrucht, Finland. Andy agreed, but I still count the piggies every day to make sure every single sixteen of them is safe and sound.

In March we became grandparents! Yes, hard to believe I know, unbetrayed as we are by our youthful good looks, but a delightful grand-daughter is now part of our lives. She's growing so fast! Quicker than a Jerusalem artichoke, and that's saying something. The sleepless nights, colicky screaming and indiscrimate farting are now over, and Andy is almost as well-behaved as the baby! If only the persistent dribbling on my new sofa throws would stop...

April. Quite frankly, the least said about April, especially the 1st, and the so-called 'practical joke' involving a potato, an exhaust pipe and an extremely rare 1923 accordian, the better. Suffice to say that Andy is now on four types of medication for his blood pressure and I have early onset middle age piles.

Auntie Carole came to stay in May. It was almost two weeks before Andy and I realised that neither of us has an Auntie Carole, by which time she'd redecorated the spare bedroom in a nautical theme and installed a parrot with personal body space issues. Bribing the local magistrate with a dozen jars of chilli jam has hastened the issue of an eviction notice and I'm looking forward to getting to work on scraping parrot poop from the skirting boards very soon.

June was warm enough for Andy and I to take a holiday in the Upper Nadgers. It's something we've been promising ourselves having always been confined to the Lower Nadgers in previous years, and a small win on the Lottery allowed our dream to come true. The day with the Old Arkle of Pipe Abroad was very enlightening, almost spiritual; an experience we shall remember for ever. Or a couple of months at least...

...Part Two of the Fat Chicken Letter tomorrow. Because I don't know about you, but this is doing my head in!

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