Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Hen Press

The chickens have decided to set up a monthly newsletter, despite their inability to type efficiently and their weak photo-shopping skills. (Is that right? Photo-shopping? I think I may be talking out of my backside on this technical term.)

Anyway, this morning, as I fed them and changed their water (I don't know why I'm bothering with the latter, given they are preferring to drink from puddles and rainwater filled bucket/wheelbarrows/ plant pots these days), Mrs Miggins says, 'Can we interview you for our newsletter?' And I said, 'Not really. I've just made a list of everything I have to do today and I don't have a spare window in my diary for interviews,' and she said, 'I didn't say anything about windows, and what do you have to do with your life that's so important anyway?'

I showed her the list which I had stapled to my forehead so I didn't make the mistake of putting it down somewhere and becoming sidetracked into watching Jeremy Kyle and eating marmalade cake in my pyjamas.

'Oh yes,' she said, perusing the sixteen items already thereon. 'You do have a lot to do.'
'I am a busy person,' I said. 'In fact, I don't even know if I'll have time to write a blog today.'
'Well, you're almost halfway done now; you might as well finish it,' said Miggins. 'In fact, let us interview you, and we'll finish the job and you can get on with the rest of your list. What's the next item?'
'Filling the holes in the kitchen ceiling in preparation for repainting,' I said.
'Fascinating,' said Mrs Miggins.

So here, courtesy of Les Hendames, is their interview. I want you to know it may have been heavily edited before reaching press.

'Welcome to Hen Press, the press for hens who like ironing and making cider. Today, we are interviewing reknowned author Denise Hunt about her life as a reknowned author. Mrs Hunt, you've recently published the highly entertaining and successful novel 'Nearly King Jimbo'.
Are there any plans for more Nearly King Jimbo?'
'Yes - in fact I have started on the next Nearly King Jimbo already and am designing a selection of associated merchandise.'
'That's interesting. Tell us more.'
'About what?'
'The merchandise.'
'Oh. Right. Well, soft toys, mugs, calendars, the usual stuff. And tours of Titbury von Streudelheim. I'm hoping they're going to be popular with the foreign travel trade.'
'Titbury von Streudelheim doesn't actually exist, does it? How can you market tours of a fictional town?'
'Titbury is a city, actually. It has a cathedral. And as to the actual reality of the place, well, the success of the tours will depend wholly on the tourists' willingness to suspend their disbelief in its fictionality; give and take is the order of the day. I'm merely taking the money.'
'Have you ever thought of being a politician?'
'Frequently. But nausea prevents me furthering my political ambitions. Bumping into Ed Miliband in the halls of Westminster would be too much for my stomach to bear.'
'You're currently supporting your writing career by providing one to one tuition in English. How is this going?'
'Very well providing I don't stray into Japanese.'
'Are there any more writing projects in the pipeline?'
'I'm considering a rewrite of 'Moby Dick' entitled 'Tossa Mackerel.' I may have to read 'Moby Dick' first.'
'You look very youthful for someone well into her forties. Have you every had Botox?'
'Never! Although I did eat some slug pellets once. The results of that had a startling effect on my forehead.'
'And finally, who would you like to play you in a film of your life?'
'Colin Firth. He seems to be on a bit of a role at the moment. Or Renee Zelwegger. She'd have to put on 6 stone first though. I am happy to tutor her on that score.'

'Thank you, Denise Hunt, for that fascinating interview. We shan't be back.'
'You're welcome. Can I get on with my hole filling now?'
'Please do. It's about time you tarted up that kitchen ceiling.'

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