Thursday, 12 May 2011

What To Wear

In the paper today is a list of items of clothing and the age at which us ladies are supposed to stop wearing them, presumably because of some mutton-dressed-as-lamb theory. It's a bit of a mixed bag, and I have to say (as you can imagine) I must take issue with them. So, in no particular dressing order, here is the list and my thoughts...

1) Bikini - aged 47 - blimey! Only eighteen months left to develop a bikini wearing habit! Should I go thong or boy briefs?? (I am, of course, employing the lowest form of wit here - I've NEVER donned a bikini in my life, and don't intend to start now.)

2)Miniskirt - aged 35 - well, how mini is mini, that's what I want to know. I mean, I've got a couple of two-inches-above-the-knee numbers, which, given the state of my chubby knees might be an inch or two too far already, but then you can get miniskirts that are little more than a wide belt. Is that what they mean?

3) Boob tube - aged 33 - Way too old for ANYONE by about 20 years, I reckon. Boob tubes should only be worn by ladies with no boobs. I've always considered them to be an ironic item of clothing.

4) Stilettos - aged 51 - I occasionally don high heels, for special occasions, but I find they make the fronts of my shins ache now, so I'll stick to my prefered style of footwear which is 'bare'.

5) Belly button piercing - aged 35 - if you can find my belly button, you are more than welcome to pierce it. Luckily, I am ten years too old and 45 years too sensible to go down this route

6) Knee-high boots - aged 47 - and what, pray tell, am I supposed to wear down the allotment?? Or are there other kinds of knee high boots beyond wellies?

7) Trainers - aged 44 - Me? Wear trainers? HA!

8) Leather trousers - aged 34 - I confess that during my passionate adoration of Adam Ant in his hey day, I owned a pair of black leather trousers. They were very comfy in the Winter, and it was always fun to polish one's clothing in lieu of shoving it in the washing machine. I wore them until they started falling to pieces which luckily co-incided with me getting fed up of being on the receiving end of lewd comments from men of a certain age

9) Leggings - aged 45 - leggings are only acceptable if worn with a very, very long top which reaches ones knees therefore rendering the wearing of leggings pointless. But leggings are quite handy for storing onions. Remember to tie knots in the bottom.

10)Ugg boots - aged 45 - Do I want to look like a Yeti? No, I do not. Do I want my ankles to slip irreversible into my arches? No, I do not. Ugg by name, ugg by aesthetic concept.

11) Swimsuit - aged 61 - is that when I get to go swimming in the nude?? I think the local leisure centre may have something to say about that

12) Tight vest - aged 44 - do the Damart ones count? But I guess they are right - loose vests trap more layers of air twixt skin and woolly jumper during Winter

13) Chiffon blouse - aged 40 - who under the age of 40 wears chiffon blouses? I thought chiffon blouses were the domain of those aged 85+?

There are a couple of additions to the list vis a vis long hair and pony tails, but I've never regarded hair as an item of clothing unless it's a wig.

On other notes, we have today been extracting our very first Much Malarkey Manor honey! It has been sticky and waxy and arm achy, and now we are waiting for everything to settle in the thingy tank to see how many jars we've got. Could be anywhere between 2 and 10, we don't know because we are very bad at guessing the accumulated volume of sticky, drippy stuff.

Which brings me to number 14 on the clothing list - honey. Despite your best efforts, you'll always find yourself wearing a bit of honey whilst engaging in the extracting process. And I guess that means that as long as you are young enough to keep bees, you are young enough to wear honey!

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