Tuesday, 27 November 2012


Well, here I am, back from another day at the creative end of the sausage machine! Every time I think of that phrase it tickles me! I've tried to think of some alternatives today, but words have literally failed me, such is the genius of the wording.

Anyway, today's excitement was provided by a fly infestation. In my classroom. Ooo-er.

I didn't notice at first. Too busy catching up with some marking before students began to arrive, and thinking it was a bit chilly and I'd leave my coat on for a While. Fly buzzes by. I think, unusual for a fly to be about in the nearly Winter. Then another appears. Lands on the desk I am working at. Looks a bit drowsy. I despatch said fly to fly heaven with a nearby handy copy of 'The Kite Runner.' It's not a book I enjoy, I have to admit, and I believe my sixth form chose to study it out of pure spite.

Well, I don't think the fly noticed its demise. Didn't put up the kind of fight a Summer fly would.

And then I made the mistake of looking up. I have two sets of skylights in my classroom ceiling. When they are open I can hear what I lovingly call the Crows of Doom thumping about on the flat roof and cawing, and impersonating telephone ring tones. No, honestly, one of them makes the noise of a phone. 'Pprrrrrp, prrpppp, ' it goes. Very clever. Most entertaining.

But beating against the skylights today were several flies. And when I looked around further, I noticed more and more flies.

By break time I had committed what shall henceforth be known as 'The Great English Department Massacre 2012'. There were bits of squished fly remains on the walls, on the windows, on text books and children. I was using the sticky side of a Post-It note to remove wings and legs and innards from exercise books. I went to the staff room and put a note in the Caretaker book along the lines of 'Biblical Fly Plague in D5 - Heeeeeeelp!'

Steve, one of the Caretakers, objected to me writing in the book because he had only just caught up with the list of jobs and was thinking he could have a bit of a break and a macaroon (don't ask).

'But I've got flies!' said I. 'The children don't concentrate at the best of times. They are concentrating even less now they have the entertainment of a fly circus.'
'Might have to get the pest controllers in,' said Steve.
'That's a bit harsh, isn't it?' I said. 'They're only children after all.'
'Ahahahahahahahaha!' said Steve, and we shared a bit of a laugh.

Well, nothing had been done by the end of the day and the flies they kept on a-coming and 'The Kite Runner ' was looking rather the worse for wear. I am dreading what I am going to find tomorrow. It's only one small step from flies to locusts to frogs, you know.

But where are they coming from, these flies? Oh, I know all about the maggot thing. Which makes me think that the Crows of Doom who play on the roof have left some half- eaten squirrel/ sparrow/ chicken tikka baguette from the canteen up there and it's gone off and is mouldering in a way that only a fly could love.

Anyway, the flies brought to mind one of my favourite sayings, which the writing of today's news now gives me a chance to share....ahem...

'Time flies like the wind like fruit flies like bananas.'

Too much time at the creative end of the sausage machine, I think.

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